#mdd

Having MDD and trying to have a positive mindset is the worst combination a person could have and somehow? I have it

Maybe not 100% positive but like 70% positive 30% realistic

I don't know

I'm both

I know I'm happy, I know I'm living the best life I could have but the feeling of emptiness that I have ever since I was young still exists and lives with me like a monster

Am I happy with my life? Yeah, but will people miss me when I'm gone? I don't know, mostly I'm just a side character for everyone's life

That type of an NPC where they tell you tips and just simply talks to you but you just skip the whole dialogue because "blah blah blah, it's not gonna help me later" and because it's too long

Maybe my life kinda sucks and someone should've told me when I was a teen that it doesn't get better when you're considered a fully functioning adult

A little story about a magical girl and her daily life. She climbs down the dangerous rocks to find the herbs she needs.

Been masking my whole life to make others feel comfortable. my parents feelings always superseded everyone else’s. they were never truly able to handle anything slightly emotionally taxing…the burden to always protect their egos while their response to any unplanned thing was met with violence and yelling and hitting.

Add a mountain sized portion of religion. Constant. Endless. Our only relationship is through the lense of a religion they can’t prove is real, helpful, or good but they’ve sacrificed the entirety of our relationship over the possibility that a god might exist and save them. The same god that…well. We all have eyes. There’s been no saving of anyone.

My parents stayed married. They both worked. Money wasn’t terrible. But they fucking hated being parents. They hated having to do anything. They couldn’t handle having sons that wanted to grow up, even less a daughter. When we didn’t learn fast enough, they beat us in to performance. No discussions. No thoughts of our own. Just obey and behave. The very essence of me being a child was offensive to them, and there wasn’t room for curiosity for things that didn’t immediately benefit my future adult self.

So now life has reached a fever pitch and the mask is slipping. I can’t stay happy. I can’t keep up appearances. Taking care of myself is getting really hard. I think about toaster baths and feel filled with guilt. But what can I say…My neurodivergent, likely autistic brain heard “treat others the way you want to be treated” and its stuck to bones. Despite being misunderstood and gaslit by people who seemed to never understand me I deeply feel this need to get it right and to be kind even when no one is looking.

Having to carry my families untamed and often explosive reactions and stay the way they wanted, while carrying the unbearable burden of pleasing a demanding omnipotent got who might disappear my family at any moment and leave me behind because I was awful and bad and dirty inside? Also I was like 7.

I’m just not sure what kind of trajectory I’m supposed to have when my nerves feel fraught with anxiety. I feel over prepared for things that don’t matter and too scared to do anything that does.

I need an “I survived a cult” (technically 2) support group or something. Or “I survived thinking my parents were never going to come home despite them beating the fuck out of us and being very scared of them”. Still working on a name.

Still can’t get over my mom saying it’s a miracle us kids didn’t pull a Menéndez brothers on them. Never thought she’d acknowledge just how fucked up it was. I let out a guffaw. I hate that word but honestly. At least it’s a form of validation that it wasn’t all just in my head.