#eupd

I know that this scene is about Shadow grappling with the fact he has alien DNA, but I feel like his thoughts in this scene are relatable to people with conditions like autism, BPD and NPD (not an exhaustive list) who struggle with feeling and being treated like an outcast or monster at times. For some, it’s because we struggle to operate in a world not designed for us. For others, it’s fighting against all the negative perceptions society has of us.

Shadow sees himself as a monster. But Maria assures him that just because he expresses himself differently, that doesn’t make him evil. I feel like especially for people who struggle with empathy, this really hits home. People often assume that people who struggle with empathy, whether cognitive or emotional, are heartless. And for those with personality disorders, they’re often treated as if they are abusive or manipulative just because of the disorder they have, even though people with said disorders are victims of trauma and abuse themselves.

I hope you all have a Maria in your lives. And if not, please remember that it’s your actions that define you, not your neurotype or disorder. If you struggle with socialising, or emotional regulation, or empathy, you’re not a monster. You’re strong for living in a world that so often seems to outcast and insult you. You’re strong for choosing to be as kind as you can be, even though so many people refuse to show that common courtesy in return. Even when you can’t be strong, you are not a monster.

it can look like needing reassurance, then feeling ashamed for needing it.

it can look like wanting to explain yourself but getting overwhelmed before the words come out right.

it can look like being triggered over something “small” because your body remembers a bigger pain behind it.

& the hardest part is, people will judge the reaction without knowing the wound it came from.

that doesn’t mean people w/ bpd don’t have accountability.

healing still matters. growth still matters. learning your triggers, your patterns, your communication, your boundaries, your nervous system. it all matters.

but awareness means we stop reducing people to their hardest moments.

because behind a lot of people w/ bpd is someone who feels deeply, loves deeply, regrets deeply, overthinks deeply, & is trying deeply. someone who may be fighting battles inside their own mind while still trying to show up gentle in a world that has not always been gentle to them.

people w/ bpd are not broken beyond repair.

we are not unlovable.

we are not our diagnosis.

we are human.

we are healing.

The mental health service is reluctant to put me back on my antipsychotic because they think my GP won't keep up the repeat prescription

My GP who referred me so I can go back on it if I want

Also even if they agree it would require me coming off amitriptyline which I take for my back pain. Which I already tried reducing and which made everything much worse

I went to emotional regulation group therapy which was good! I learned a lot of useful stuff which is helping me manage my dysregulation better then before I went and is keeping me from danger when I spiral. But I am still very dysregulated and it's getting worse

I just feel like if I can write again I'll do better but I can't fucking write

I have tried and there is a huge disconnect from the ideas and putting it on paper

I am scattered so often and I just feel stuck