#derealisation

The emotional amnesia.

Your entire life feels like something that you watched on TV, rather than something that you actually lived through.

You know that some of the most horrific things imaginable have happened to you, and you feel nothing about it. Sure, the memories disgust you on principle, but you don’t feel anything.

It makes you question if anything that you remember is real. If that actually happened, shouldn’t it feel significant? Shouldn’t you be sad, angry, hurt, something?

Just that flat-out refusal to accept the horrible facts of life (in this case Sister dying). His mind trying to manifest the reality he wishes for, and the confusion as he slowly sees what’s actually happening again.

The way how confused he is when he’s suddenly changed into his black robes.

The hazy way he sees reality and his own imagination blending (Sister being tended to by a doctor while he tries to ignore it).

The. Fucking. Balloon. Sequence.

Copia wants away from his problems, so his mind flies him away until he literally crashes back into reality.

The balloon was great way to show it bc I know when my issues start, it does feel like I’m floating, like I’m in a different realm to the rest of the world.

disorders that can cause dissociation include:

DID

OSDD

PTSD

depression

OCD

BPD

DPDR

anxiety

eating disorders

some people also experience dissociation due to chronic pain

being dissociated can feel like, but is not limited to:

feeling disconnected from the world

feeling "blurry", "buzzy", "foggy", or "out of it"

not feeling any emotions

not feeling any physical pain

not remembering whole periods of time

feeling like you're floating outside of your body

your brain constantly going in and out of focus

dissociation is generally broken down into two categories:

derealisation: the feeling that the world around you is unreal, foggy, or just out of reach

depersonalisation: the feeling of being outside of yourself, or of not feeling real

I'm agender and functionally transmasculine. I do not experience body dysphoria, because I'm pretty much dissociating 24/7. I feel no connection to my body. I don't care what it looks like, because I don't even feel real most of the time. I like presenting in certain ways, but I don't feel distressed over my breasts or vagina, because I barely feel any connection to my body as a whole.

Does that make me "not transgender"? No. It makes me a transmasculine person who suffers with dissociation, and, as a result, doesn't feel body dysphoria.

Stop for a second. Sit down, if you can. Take a breath. Focus on how the air feels in your lungs. Focus on how the thing you're sat on feels. Is it cold? Warm? Rough?

Look around you. I'm not going to ask you to "name five things" because that's relatively well known and doesn't help when things feel fake, at least for us.

Look for one item. A stick, a stone, even something like your phone will do. Really look at it. Look at every detail you can. If it's a stick, pick off some of the bark. Feel the dirt between your fingers. Look at the fibers between the outer bark and the wood. Make a mental note of how each piece is made up of other pieces. If it's a stone, look at all the divets, all the different colours. Find another and smash them together, feel the vibrations go through your hands. Really look at the details of this item.