You know what the worst part of having a dissociative disorder is, for me personally?
The emotional amnesia.
Your entire life feels like something that you watched on TV, rather than something that you actually lived through.
You know that some of the most horrific things imaginable have happened to you, and you feel nothing about it. Sure, the memories disgust you on principle, but you donât feel anything.
It makes you question if anything that you remember is real. If that actually happened, shouldnât it feel significant? Shouldnât you be sad, angry, hurt, something?
And to top it all off, nobody understands. Not even yourself.
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hello dolly! so I hope you donât mind this request it is really odd but I randomly get waves of feeling homesick when I am literally in my own house and just get a wave of derealization and I was hoping you could make a fix of Sevika comforting reader during a moment like this. I hope this isnât too weird đ«¶đŒ
Summary: During a sudden wave of derealisation, you feel disconnected and overwhelmed until Sevika gently grounds you, staying with you until you feel real again.
It starts small.
Youâre standing in the kitchen, hands resting on the counter, staring at nothing in particular. The light feels too bright. The room feels⊠off. Like itâs been copied slightly wrong. The edges of things blur just a little too much, sounds come from too far away, like youâre underwater.
You blink.
It doesnât fix it.
Your fingers curl into the countertop, grounding yourself, but your body doesnât quite feel like yours. Your chest tightens. Breathing feels strange. Too shallow. Too conscious.
Somethingâs wrong.
ââŠhey.â
Her voice cuts through it, low and steady.
Sevika doesnât rush over. She never does. She just steps closer, slow enough not to startle you, sharp eyes already taking you in.
âYou with me, honey?â
You try to answer. It comes out weak. âI⊠donât feel right.â
Thatâs all she needs.
Her hand comes up, warm and heavy as it cups the back of your neck, anchoring you. Not forcing. Just there. Solid.
âYeah,â she murmurs, softer now. âIâve got you.â
She shifts closer, close enough that you can feel the heat of her body, the weight of her presence. One of her hands slides into yours, fingers threading through, squeezing just enough to be real.
âLook at me, baby,â she says, gentle but firm.
It takes effort, but you do.
Her face is clear. Grounded. Real.
âGood,â she says quietly. âStay here. With me.â
Her thumb starts brushing slow circles against your hand, steady rhythm, something for your mind to latch onto.
âTell me five things you can see.â
You hesitate. Your voice feels far away, but she waits. Doesnât rush you.
âThe⊠the table,â you manage. âThe window. You. The⊠the sink. My hands.â
âGood,â she says again, like youâve done something important. Because you have.
Her hand tightens slightly at the back of your neck, guiding your forehead gently toward hers.
âFour things you can feel.â
âYour hand,â you whisper. âThe counter. My shirt. Your⊠your thumb.â
âYeah. Thatâs it.â
Her voice stays low, even, like a tether pulling you back piece by piece.
She doesnât let go. Doesnât step away. If anything, she moves closer, pressing a soft kiss to your temple, lingering there.
âYouâre safe, sweetheart,â she murmurs against your skin. âItâs just your brain being an asshole. Itâll pass.â
Your breathing starts to steady, slowly syncing with hers as she subtly guides it, her chest rising and falling against you.
âThere you go,â she says when she feels it. âThatâs better.â
Her hand slides from your neck to your cheek, rough thumb brushing soft across your skin, grounding in a different way now.
âStay with me as long as you need, baby,â she adds, quieter. âNot going anywhere.â
And she doesnât.
She just stands there with you, solid and warm and real.
Holding you together until the world feels like yours again.
Transmedicalist's essentially saying that you need to experience body dysphoria to be transgender is some of the most ridiculous and ableist shit I've seen. Not top five, but it's up there.
I'm agender and functionally transmasculine. I do not experience body dysphoria, because I'm pretty much dissociating 24/7. I feel no connection to my body. I don't care what it looks like, because I don't even feel real most of the time. I like presenting in certain ways, but I don't feel distressed over my breasts or vagina, because I barely feel any connection to my body as a whole.
Does that make me "not transgender"? No. It makes me a transmasculine person who suffers with dissociation, and, as a result, doesn't feel body dysphoria.
And if I was fully present at all times but still didn't feel body dysphoria? I'm still transgender. Mainly because people don't have to be miserable with their bodies to be trans, but also because I'm not going to listen to what the ableist bastards in the transmedicalist community have to say. Who honestly would?
tw: eye/semi-realisticly drawn eye close up, depiction of possible eye strain?
I see out of this eye, but does it belong to me? Am I seeing myself?
Set while at the Jackson-Blofis house in the Hidden Oracle. I headcanon that Apollo deals with a lot of depersonalisation as Lester, especially in the beginning when this body didn't feel like his yet.
It's quite a feeling, to look in the mirror and realise that you recognise 'your' body, and yet it dosen't feel like yours, it dosen't feel like you.
also rip i forgot how hard it is to draw full pieces with colour i'm outta practice. I kinda just had an idea with the eye imager and tried to wing it ;a;
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yet another phm idea for the masses to consume as either a potential headcanon or fic prompt
feat. depersonalisation
ok so first depersonalisation can be experienced for a number of reasons including but not limited to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, hormonal shifts, ocd, and various other mental and personality disorders. and iâm sure we can all agree that grace has been chronically stressed for a long while and also probably has ptsd. so he totally could experience depersonalisation.
and here iâm referring mostly to the feeling of being disconnected from your body and/or inhabiting your body kinda like a ghost. sure youâre in the body but the body isnât you.
and then of course all the things that come with depersonalisation of that flavour like treating your body and brain as separate entities from yourself that you sometimes need to wrangle into submission or negotiate with to get things done.
idk my thought process was that maybe the rock aliens feel more solid in themselves since their brains are made of crystals and they never forget, etc? i just think it could be fun to watch eridians be baffled by the concept of feeling like the body and brain arenât part of yourself. itâd probably start with the lil phrases.
âsorry, my brain is being stupid.â -> maybe for anxiety grace canât seem to shake despite consciously rationalising his feelings and deciding itâs not that scary
âcâmon brain work with me here.â -> maybe grace forgot something and is trying to remember
âmy brain is being mean to me.â -> nightmares/intrusive thoughts/anxiety
âmy body just canât follow orders right.â -> perhaps said in reference to his clumsiness
âmy body just wonât get the memo.â -> said in annoyance when his body gives him hunger cues that he canât follow because heâs trying to ration
âit feels like my body is betraying me.â -> when theyâre getting close to erid and grace is getting sick
and if you wanted to go even deeper you could even connect it to the fairly widespread human belief that our consciousness or soul is seperate from our bodies and can move on to other planes of reality or inhabit different bodies or linger in places without a body after we die. or maybe tie it back to having a brain thatâs mostly water making us feel much more fluid and we therefore can easily feel disconnected from ourselves? thereâs lots of ways you could take this tbh.
you could also play with different severities of depersonalisation if youâd like! maybe it only feels mild during the mission when itâs kind of helpful to disconnect and just work as hard as possible. but then once thereâs suddenly 4 years of downtime with no particular objective to work towards and with the lack of focus and direction to keep grace tethered the disconnect feels much more like a problem. maybe rocky gets really concerned because sometimes grace just loses connection with his body and sits trapped in his mind looking out, and that manifests as lots of spacing out, dissociating and sitting very still staring off at nothing.
go for your life really
and as always anyone is free to adopt these ideas for personal headcanons, aus and fics they want to write!
