#dpression

I have been in a horrible depression since the beginning of winter. The world is a hellscape and everything is rapidly getting more unsalvageable by the day us all. Meanwhile people still kick back and manage to go about their lives and each day I curse my brain for not following through on finally snapping. I feel like an alien that can't figure out how to operate correctly on this planet.

tw: talk of mental illness, self harm, etc,

I got me some Clear Loop Engage Earplugs! Pretty great for school. No one notices I have them in. I used to use those big, foam earplugs sometimes but I would have to have my hair down if I wanted them to be even close to discreet. I have loud parents and get overstimulated pretty easily so it makes the day justtt a little bit easier and I can still talk to people.

I got a Little Ouchie Stim Toy. It's amazing. I got a pink one and it really does help when I have self-harm urges or when I'm having an anxiety attack or depressive episode and I can't leave class. I even got one for my friend who also has depression and she seems to like it. (Obviously it doesn't fix EVERYTHING but it's a useful tool to have)

I got protein shakes cuz a lot of the time I struggle to have the motivation to eat or make food and getting protein shakes help me a little. (I got the fair life lactose free ones cuz Im lactose intolerant)

Art/Drawing/Creating. Okay, I knowwww this one seems so cliche and you're probably sick of neurotypical people being like "FiNd WayS tO eXpReSs YoUrSeLF" but it really does help me. It doesn't have to be pretty art. Things aren't beautiful cuz they're perfect, they're beautiful because they're authentic. I keep a little bundle of sticky notes in my pocket to take out and doodle on, write depressing poems, write an angry letter to no one, make horrifying art, draw a picture of myself crying just to feel. It's good to feel, ya'll. I got these, like, paint markers that I've been using to make some sad, chaotic depressing creations and it really helps to just get things out. Just do ANYTHING. You are allowed to feel.

I might post some of the art I've made with my markers cuz idk. Just cuz.

Touch Up--I'm 18, driving to an art lesson in acrylic painting and distracting myself from the pain of a broken rib.

O My Heart--It's late at night and I'm on Minecraft with my friends, building a home together in the mountains and creating a story we'd hold with us the rest of our lives.

Eureka--Singing and laughing while making posters for our economic simulation class. Drawing the lion in the corner of each. The Sticks--I am 17, sitting outside in a grassy field on the hottest day of the summer. My break will be over soon, and I'll go back to work but for a moment I am soaking up the heat of the sun. Very Good Bad Thing--It's dark outside and we're singing and dancing in the parking lot of a church after our homeschool dance. I hurt my foot but I don't care.

No Culture--It's the longest most boring week of school, and this music is keeping me sane as I teach myself physics.

Dance and Cry--Exploring the forest on a fall day between community college classes. People leave weird things in these woods.

Inside--Driving along country roads for hours to reach my home in the woods. Feeling hopeful.