#anxienty

They are ugly screams—thoughts telling me I am too much.

They are ugly screams—thoughts telling me I’m not good enough.

And I can't silence them—these thoughts sow seeds of doubt so great that I begin to act.

And so the chaos begins….

and with this chaos, I destroy the things in my life that are good and mean something to me.

it takes me a while to process emotions. i asked my therapist once what it means to process one's emotions. to paraphrase, it's sitting with how you feel. before that, i thought of it as 'i don't know how i feel about things right away. it takes me a while to realise a situation was pretty shitty.'

i feel the separation between my friends now. i don't mourn it; i acknowledge it. there's been friendship breaks i'm not aware of, trips, new recurring characters. there's so much i want to do but i'm afraid to do it myself. my fear is that i won't talk to anyone, stand by myself in a corner and leave early out of boredom. thus i'd have to initiate conversation and i don't do that.

i used to hate the idea of small talk. not because i felt i was capable of profounder conversation, but because it felt like i couldn't keep up with the verbal back-and-forth. i lacked the rhythm, the momentum. i will get it eventually. i need more information. small talk leads to bigger talk i'm sure, and for a first meeting, i'm not entitled to that depth.