嫌い

I've tried to explain to therapists and such that at any given time, I don't want to do anything. I don't have any long term goals, and I don't have the drive to do any of the things normal people tend to centre their lives around (i.e. having a successful career, travelling, starting a family). If I had it my way I would never do anything at all. I wouldn't even exist.

And yet every single time the response I get is "But you're working this job! You're studying this thing! You're doing this hobby!" as if that's some kind of undeniable proof that I actually do have desires and goals. But the real reason is I simply don't have a choice. You can't just not work in the world we live in.

If I were to just not get a job, I would have to deal with not having food or utilities or home, which would force me into more things I don't want to do. And so if I have to have a job, I'll pick whatever I'm best at and is the least mind-numbing. That's not because I'm actually super passionate about that thing, I'm just picking the option that I don't want to do the least.

I don't really feel that strongly about hobbies and such, but unfortunately I am a human being who can't survive off of literally zero stimulation 24/7. I just pick the things that sustain my attention the most, it doesn't mean that I'm passionate about them. Again, I'm just going with whatever I don't want to do the least. And even then I spend most of my free time not engaging with said "hobbies".

By that point they normally just default to "Well, you haven't killed yourself yet, so that must mean something!" but it really, really doesn't. Killing myself is way more effort and discomfort for something that isn't even guaranteed to work.

MIDNIGHT SZPD

[pt: midnight szpd /end pt]

inspired by midnight aspd; someone who either suspects, has traits of, or otherwise cannot be 100% sure they have SzPD, but still find it important enough to mention as they relate to experiences and need to note how they interact with others.

examples may include people who:

aren't able to properly self-diagnose (ex. memory issues, focus issues, not enough resources) and choose to say they're suspected instead

are in the process of getting diagnosed or on a waiting list

are an alter who has szpd traits while the rest of the system doesn't have these traits

are unsure whether their symptoms are pervasive/affect their day-to-day enough to be a personality disorder

are questioning whether they have szpd or another schizospec disorder

tl;dr : a person with suspected szpd, szpd traits, etc.

alt to penumbra szpd! symbol by @peculiareyez-flags, original flag by @schizoidflagcreator.

we do not consent to our creations being added to any wikipedia sites or reposted to other social media sites. anyone may use our terms and flags.

dissociation is such an odd thing.

honestly, its more rare that im not dissociating. im always dissociating. im always detached and reverting inward. im always disconnected from the external world around me. nothing ever feels real, nothing ever pulls me to life.

and some days, such as today, everything starts to feel much more heavy. like mud is being piled on top of me, soaking me with its grime and wet dirt. like a weighted blanket thats trying to suffocate and kill you.

where my memory becomes more fuzzy. where its hard to concentrate and focus. where i dont even know who im talking to. where i dont even know who i am, because even my name slips past me.

its almost just,,, extreme derealization. constant derealization. i know schizoid symptoms cross over into dpdr a lot, but... this is intense. so fucking intense.

one of these days, i really need to be evaluated for dpdr. i really do. just not today, just not anytime soon. life is not so forgiving to allow me such things.

i wonder if theres medication for it.

And this both leading to them hurting people with pds and also spreading wild misinfo