#bruceman

Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne is dating Batman. Everyone knows that Jason Todd is Red Hood. Everyone knows that Jason Todd is Bruce Wayne’s dead son. Everyone knows Red Hood hates Batman. This is all a very open secret. Everyone knows Tim Drake and Red Robin have a very public beef with one another. And that Red Hood used to have a very public (but much more violent) beef with the third Robin.

This leads to the general accepted truth being that Red Hood hates Batman because he is fucking his dad, and Tim Drake and Red Robin dislike each other because Tim’s brother beat up Red Robin, and, once again, Red Robin’s dad is fucking Tim’s. Everyone feels a little bad for Red Robin, being at the end of both Red Hood’s and Tim Drake’s distaste, because the former is a crime lord and the latter is Timothy Jackson Drake.

This, naturally, reaches the JL whom does not know Batman’s identity yet. Green Arrow makes a passing comment about having also fucked Wayne, which Batman overhears. Cue absolute bat confusion, which he does not show. And that was how the great Batman found out that he accidentally 100% enforced the rumors that he was dating himself by the way he replied to reporters strange questions that in hindsight were so incredibly obvious.

This whole time, Young Justice is having the time of their lives (while also becoming increasingly concerned) as they watch Tim switch between devices as he replies to himself on different accounts on Twitter to further his own feud with Red Robin.

And Jason is. Not sure how he feels. On one hand, Bruce is now very uncomfortable about many, many things. And people yell at Batman when he starts treating Jason like his son (especially when he yells “I’m not your son!” Because what kind of boyfriend would try to make their boyfriend’s kid their own when they clearly don’t want to be). That’s an upside. But on the other, this implies that he is Bruce’s son. And that brings up a lot of feelings he doesn’t want to deal with. And back on that first hand, people have mostly stopped making thirst traps of his dad (gross). And on the second once more, they have started shipping Red Robin and Tim.

Everyone on planet Earth and in several corners of the universe know that the Greatest Emerald Knight to Ever Live is happily married to the elusive Dark Knight of Gotham. There are popular compilations online of the Batman and Green Lantern bickering like an old married couple during missions. Statisticians have made an art of predicting if the Green Lantern is earthside depending on how often it is reported that the Batlantern walks among the Justice League. Gotham's rogues know to schedule around the times when the Green Lantern is apparently back because the last mf who gave Batman a reason to leave their marriage bed ended up being blood pulp in Park Row.

But Hal Jordan and Bruce Wayne?

That's preposterous.

Why would the wealthiest and most popular man in the east coast even know some dude bro test pilot from across the country.

It's driving Hal insane.

Like how and why is it easier to percieve Green Lantern and Batman having a romantic picnic overlooking a recently rescued city... than it is to concieve the idea of a married civilian couple holding hands, taking their kids out to family dinners, and making out in company offices???

Hal is constantly fumming and bitching about it. He's TIRED.

So tired in fact that one day, he just... comes and kisses Bruce in public.

But his uncontrollable will made the ring snap to attention, so now the people of Earth are under the impression that Bruce Wayne and Green Lantern are having an affair.

.

.

And you ask what statement does Batman have about all of this?

Well in front of the eyes of the world and god himself, Batman has dignified concerned netizens with a response:

When Batman first shows up he's a friggen poltergeist. He's a cryptid. For a second there maybe people thought he was just a creepypasta.

Then when people start to think… actually it kinda seems like he's a guy…? Like, he's a real…? Person…???

Then the GCPD is like, 'Okay, well, then he's breaking laws.'

But your average schmo is like, 'And? Yeah he's a guy; he gave me fifty bucks to get home last night. Right after he saved me from an acid piranha pit.'

But the thing is, Bats has his own personality. He's a whole person as the mask. People don't ask who Superman's secret identity is because, as far as they're concerned, Superman is just Superman, and when they can't see him, it's because he went home. It would be the same with Batman. They probably think he sleeps or hangs upside-down all day.

I think Gothamites like him as Just Batman; he's the city's pet monster, and they like it that way.

I think we get super caught up in the, "Batman's secret identity might be revealed! 😱" because Batman's secret identity is famous. But if someone unmasked Clark or Barry or Hal it would be like

"…I have no idea who this is."

And they expect the same of Batman.

I know that in the Harley Quinn show they joke around with this idea but

Picture oeople in general, Lex, Bruce or even Lois at some point believing Superman and Clark are a thing? And everyone would be like

"Can you believe Lois Lane and Clark Kent are fighting for Superman???"

"But Superman only gives interviews to Kent!! And how nobody can find him when Superman is fighting??? I mean, he's definitely taking Kent to a safe place"

"Oh, but he and Lois Lane always are having some action movie adventure! If they're so close, why isn't Kent tagging along, huh??"

"They NEED TO KEEP IT SECRET!!! If they didn't have a close bond, why would Kent look so offended every time Luthor talks shit about Superman?!"

"Hey, what about Superman and the Batman—?"

"Nono, that guy is with Bruce Wayne. Everyone on Gotham says so. There's even a confirmation from the Robins and the other vigilantes from around there"

"Oh???"

Later, Dick gets accused of being Robin and his only defense is to go "COPYCAT" with as much disdain as possible and then refuses to speak anymore on the matter.

Gothamites now think Robin looks up to Dick like some sort of role model while Dick Grayson just hates Robin for copying him.