#bruceman

google: “bruce wayne bat—”

autocomplete: “bruce wayne batman boyfriend”

he pauses. stares. clicks. regrets.

the internet has created a ship between bruce wayne and batman. there’s fanart. there’s fanfics. there’s edits to “take me to church”. he sits there in silence for three whole minutes.

by morning, everyone knows:

Jason: who told the internet about bruceman and how do i bless their firstborn

Duke: i read one of the fics and bruce calls batman “my dark protector” im in tears

Tim: he crew. we both crode

Steph: STOPP i think i saw that one it had like 87k views!!!

Damian: This is blasphemy. This is against reason.

Dick: The fanart. The fanart

Damian: There is no dignity.

Cass: True love.

bruce walks in mid-chaos. sees bruceman on tim’s screen.

utter silence.

because the thing is. the thing is it was supposed to be a cover. a deterrent he’d only started (stupidly, naively started) so no one would ever consider the possibility that they were the same person!

Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne is dating Batman. Everyone knows that Jason Todd is Red Hood. Everyone knows that Jason Todd is Bruce Wayne’s dead son. Everyone knows Red Hood hates Batman. This is all a very open secret. Everyone knows Tim Drake and Red Robin have a very public beef with one another. And that Red Hood used to have a very public (but much more violent) beef with the third Robin.

This leads to the general accepted truth being that Red Hood hates Batman because he is fucking his dad, and Tim Drake and Red Robin dislike each other because Tim’s brother beat up Red Robin, and, once again, Red Robin’s dad is fucking Tim’s. Everyone feels a little bad for Red Robin, being at the end of both Red Hood’s and Tim Drake’s distaste, because the former is a crime lord and the latter is Timothy Jackson Drake.

This, naturally, reaches the JL whom does not know Batman’s identity yet. Green Arrow makes a passing comment about having also fucked Wayne, which Batman overhears. Cue absolute bat confusion, which he does not show. And that was how the great Batman found out that he accidentally 100% enforced the rumors that he was dating himself by the way he replied to reporters strange questions that in hindsight were so incredibly obvious.

This whole time, Young Justice is having the time of their lives (while also becoming increasingly concerned) as they watch Tim switch between devices as he replies to himself on different accounts on Twitter to further his own feud with Red Robin.

And Jason is. Not sure how he feels. On one hand, Bruce is now very uncomfortable about many, many things. And people yell at Batman when he starts treating Jason like his son (especially when he yells “I’m not your son!” Because what kind of boyfriend would try to make their boyfriend’s kid their own when they clearly don’t want to be). That’s an upside. But on the other, this implies that he is Bruce’s son. And that brings up a lot of feelings he doesn’t want to deal with. And back on that first hand, people have mostly stopped making thirst traps of his dad (gross). And on the second once more, they have started shipping Red Robin and Tim.

Bruceman art by "shadowscribble" 🤭

(based on fic ship-to-ship combat by pomeloquat)

When Batman first shows up he's a friggen poltergeist. He's a cryptid. For a second there maybe people thought he was just a creepypasta.

Then when people start to think… actually it kinda seems like he's a guy…? Like, he's a real…? Person…???

Then the GCPD is like, 'Okay, well, then he's breaking laws.'

But your average schmo is like, 'And? Yeah he's a guy; he gave me fifty bucks to get home last night. Right after he saved me from an acid piranha pit.'

But the thing is, Bats has his own personality. He's a whole person as the mask. People don't ask who Superman's secret identity is because, as far as they're concerned, Superman is just Superman, and when they can't see him, it's because he went home. It would be the same with Batman. They probably think he sleeps or hangs upside-down all day.

I think Gothamites like him as Just Batman; he's the city's pet monster, and they like it that way.

I think we get super caught up in the, "Batman's secret identity might be revealed! 😱" because Batman's secret identity is famous. But if someone unmasked Clark or Barry or Hal it would be like

"…I have no idea who this is."

And they expect the same of Batman.

Now, think about a situation in which, for some reason, Bruce has to appear as Bruce Wayne, or perhaps suspicions of him being the Batman are really strong, and he needs Clark to be Batman for him. Clark is way too good at impersonating The Batman. Not that Bruce says it.

It feels a little uncanny even if this is exactly what he was hoping for...

They end up interacting for whatever reason and maybe at the end of the emergency, to have a little bit of fun, one of them starts to flirt with the other. Aggressively, "in character"

Furthering the Bruce/Batman rumors

Like, Bruce being all over Clark, making him nervous and playfully calling him "Batman" in a half mocking half flirty way that drives Clark insaaaane. Is this a test??? Will he be in trouble if he responds??? Could reciprocating count as being in character??? Everyone knows Batman has had a lot of flings! Should he get back at Bruce??? Now?? Later???

Or perhaps

Clark starts saying, embarrassing, flirty, and somewhat romantic things he thinks would sound way more hilarious if Batman were to say them. With a flat tone and a pokerface