#steph brown

09.20.25 - Happy Batman Day!!

here are a few examples:

“wayne enterprises is thriving”: jason has to kiss two fingers, point to the ceiling, before downing his glass

“proud to support gotham”: dick must yell “WOO YEAH GOTHAM BABY” like a frat pledge. every time. he once knocked over a senator’s mini canape tower doing it

“community matters”: damian has to silently take the nearest silverware/art/object of value, and pocket it while making unwavering eye contact with the nearest stranger (don’t ask how they managed to convince him to go along with the bit)

“family is everything”: tim sheds one award-winning tear. just one. that never fails to choke up those surrounding him.

and a bonus wildcard rule:

if bruce says anything about “gratitude,” EVERY batkid nods solemnly and whispers “for now.”

and you KNOW that they absolutely keep score as to whoever commits the best. the prize being that the winner gets to choose one (1) rule the others MUST abide by for a whole week.

previous prizes have included:

tim once won and made a house rule that no one was allowed to wake him up for anything (disaster. crime went up, gotham almost burned. but. rules are rules)

damian won and selected “no shoes inside the manor” and enforced it like a warlord (bruce had to brief the justice league in socks. wonder woman took a photo.)

dick made a rule that everyone had to compliment him before asking anything of him. it was hell.

steph (when she gets to play) forced them all to sync their jog cycles for one week (they looked like a mafia flash mob everywhere they went). (bruce was so done).

Random Gotham Citizen: ranting My neighbor keeps playing music too loud—

Jason: What kind of music?

Citizen: Does it matter?

Jason: If it's good music, I'll ask them to turn it down. If it's bad music, I'll make sure they never play music again.

Citizen: ...it's country pop?

Jason: cracks knuckles Oh, we're gonna have a conversation about their taste AND their volume.

———

Steph: I heard you mediated a custody dispute between two villains over who gets to keep the hyena.

Jason: Harley won. Obviously. But now the hyena is trained to growl every time it hears Pitbull music.

Cass: Scary. But effective.

Jason: Put that on my business card.

———

Bruce: reading an official letter from the GCPD “Red Hood has resolved 34 neighbor disputes, de-escalated 11 road rage incidents, and mediated a PTA meeting that was about to turn into a fistfight over bake sale proceeds.” Jason. What are you doing?

Jason: kicking his boots off They weren’t resolving it themselves. I’m empowering the community.

Dick: By threatening to shove subwoofers up their—

Jason: Allegedly.

Tim: To be fair, noise complaints in Crime Alley are down.

Jason: Thank you, runt. See? Tim gets it. 

Tim: I didn't say it was legal. 

Jason: Details, Timmy. Details.

tim in french: have you figured out how we’re gonna tell b we’re not going to that gala yet?

damian in arabic: no i thought that was thomas’ job?

duke french: me? no jason said he’d do something

jason in arabic: hey don’t drag me into this!

dick in romani: i’m gonna kill him i really i am

steph in russian: who are we killing?

dick in english: ah! nobody! wait i didn’t know you spoke romani

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason in english: wait my greek is rusty say it again slowly

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason: …. you motherfucker

cass signing: nice drawing

damian in chinese: thank you

dick yelling at bruce about something he did

jason in spanish: what language is he speaking right now?

tim also in spanish: uh all of them i think

jason: does bruce even know-

Bruce: So the Robin costume is inappropriate?

Zatanna: You can't say that. But yes, she's a teenage girl and the early versions of that costume are seven ways of wrong.

Bruce, taking notes: OK.

Dinah: She's going to need better protection. Just because she's a girl and might want to look good, doesn't mean that she shouldn't think about safety.

Diana: And can't have her wearing shorts. It's freezing in Gotham.

Bruce: But Dick-

Kara: Grayson was eight when he picked those, we will be polite and call them pants. Steph is a teenage girl.

Dinah, nodding: Yeah, shat if she gets her period? She's going to want as much coverage as possible.

Bruce:

Selina, holding his hand: Bruce, we discussed this. Every month-

Bruce: Every month? That goes on every month?

Dinah:

Kara:

Diana:

Selina: And she should get to have a say in all this, too. She's the one who wears it. And I'm sure she doesn't want to look like a carbon copy of the boys. She's a young girl, she will want to feel like one.

Bruce: We could... Um, give her a hairband? A red one? Red for Robin...?

Jason: *Breaking the silence suddenly* Have y’all ever read fan fiction about ourselves?

The rest of the Batkids: …

Duke: … There’s fan fiction? About us??

Tim: Oh yeah. Lots of it. Also tons of fan art.

Dick: Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with those. They make me feel both honored and violated, usually at the same time.

Jason: Some of them are so funny. We should read one tonight.

Babs: *Raising an eyebrow* Aren’t they pretty raunchy?

Tim: There are some clean ones. I’ll find one for later.

Later that evening

Tim: Alright y’all, this story has the highest rating on Battpad and it says it’s family friendly. Let’s see how this goes.

Moments later

Dick: Ok, that’s just creepy.

Jason: How did they know I like Jane Austin and listen to classical music before bed? I don’t like that.

Tim: They literally named Red Robin’s alter ego Jimothy Duck and gave him a caffeine addiction. How??

Dick: I just want to know how the HECK it pinned me as a patterned socks guy. Most of my close friends don’t even know that.

Damian: I, for one, am just offended they made my persona obnoxious and annoying when I clearly am not.

Jason: Naw, this is just too creepily accurate. Who wrote this?

Tim: Some gal named Rottin’Milk.

Tim: …

Tim: Wait