#steph brown

09.20.25 - Happy Batman Day!!

here are a few examples:

“wayne enterprises is thriving”: jason has to kiss two fingers, point to the ceiling, before downing his glass

“proud to support gotham”: dick must yell “WOO YEAH GOTHAM BABY” like a frat pledge. every time. he once knocked over a senator’s mini canape tower doing it

“community matters”: damian has to silently take the nearest silverware/art/object of value, and pocket it while making unwavering eye contact with the nearest stranger (don’t ask how they managed to convince him to go along with the bit)

“family is everything”: tim sheds one award-winning tear. just one. that never fails to choke up those surrounding him.

and a bonus wildcard rule:

if bruce says anything about “gratitude,” EVERY batkid nods solemnly and whispers “for now.”

and you KNOW that they absolutely keep score as to whoever commits the best. the prize being that the winner gets to choose one (1) rule the others MUST abide by for a whole week.

previous prizes have included:

tim once won and made a house rule that no one was allowed to wake him up for anything (disaster. crime went up, gotham almost burned. but. rules are rules)

damian won and selected “no shoes inside the manor” and enforced it like a warlord (bruce had to brief the justice league in socks. wonder woman took a photo.)

dick made a rule that everyone had to compliment him before asking anything of him. it was hell.

steph (when she gets to play) forced them all to sync their jog cycles for one week (they looked like a mafia flash mob everywhere they went). (bruce was so done).

Random Gotham Citizen: ranting My neighbor keeps playing music too loud—

Jason: What kind of music?

Citizen: Does it matter?

Jason: If it's good music, I'll ask them to turn it down. If it's bad music, I'll make sure they never play music again.

Citizen: ...it's country pop?

Jason: cracks knuckles Oh, we're gonna have a conversation about their taste AND their volume.

———

Steph: I heard you mediated a custody dispute between two villains over who gets to keep the hyena.

Jason: Harley won. Obviously. But now the hyena is trained to growl every time it hears Pitbull music.

Cass: Scary. But effective.

Jason: Put that on my business card.

———

Bruce: reading an official letter from the GCPD “Red Hood has resolved 34 neighbor disputes, de-escalated 11 road rage incidents, and mediated a PTA meeting that was about to turn into a fistfight over bake sale proceeds.” Jason. What are you doing?

Jason: kicking his boots off They weren’t resolving it themselves. I’m empowering the community.

Dick: By threatening to shove subwoofers up their—

Jason: Allegedly.

Tim: To be fair, noise complaints in Crime Alley are down.

Jason: Thank you, runt. See? Tim gets it. 

Tim: I didn't say it was legal. 

Jason: Details, Timmy. Details.

tim in french: have you figured out how we’re gonna tell b we’re not going to that gala yet?

damian in arabic: no i thought that was thomas’ job?

duke french: me? no jason said he’d do something

jason in arabic: hey don’t drag me into this!

dick in romani: i’m gonna kill him i really i am

steph in russian: who are we killing?

dick in english: ah! nobody! wait i didn’t know you spoke romani

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason in english: wait my greek is rusty say it again slowly

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason: …. you motherfucker

cass signing: nice drawing

damian in chinese: thank you

dick yelling at bruce about something he did

jason in spanish: what language is he speaking right now?

tim also in spanish: uh all of them i think

jason: does bruce even know-

Bruce: So the Robin costume is inappropriate?

Zatanna: You can't say that. But yes, she's a teenage girl and the early versions of that costume are seven ways of wrong.

Bruce, taking notes: OK.

Dinah: She's going to need better protection. Just because she's a girl and might want to look good, doesn't mean that she shouldn't think about safety.

Diana: And can't have her wearing shorts. It's freezing in Gotham.

Bruce: But Dick-

Kara: Grayson was eight when he picked those, we will be polite and call them pants. Steph is a teenage girl.

Dinah, nodding: Yeah, shat if she gets her period? She's going to want as much coverage as possible.

Bruce:

Selina, holding his hand: Bruce, we discussed this. Every month-

Bruce: Every month? That goes on every month?

Dinah:

Kara:

Diana:

Selina: And she should get to have a say in all this, too. She's the one who wears it. And I'm sure she doesn't want to look like a carbon copy of the boys. She's a young girl, she will want to feel like one.

Bruce: We could... Um, give her a hairband? A red one? Red for Robin...?

Jason: *Breaking the silence suddenly* Have y’all ever read fan fiction about ourselves?

The rest of the Batkids: …

Duke: … There’s fan fiction? About us??

Tim: Oh yeah. Lots of it. Also tons of fan art.

Dick: Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with those. They make me feel both honored and violated, usually at the same time.

Jason: Some of them are so funny. We should read one tonight.

Babs: *Raising an eyebrow* Aren’t they pretty raunchy?

Tim: There are some clean ones. I’ll find one for later.

Later that evening

Tim: Alright y’all, this story has the highest rating on Battpad and it says it’s family friendly. Let’s see how this goes.

Moments later

Dick: Ok, that’s just creepy.

Jason: How did they know I like Jane Austin and listen to classical music before bed? I don’t like that.

Tim: They literally named Red Robin’s alter ego Jimothy Duck and gave him a caffeine addiction. How??

Dick: I just want to know how the HECK it pinned me as a patterned socks guy. Most of my close friends don’t even know that.

Damian: I, for one, am just offended they made my persona obnoxious and annoying when I clearly am not.

Jason: Naw, this is just too creepily accurate. Who wrote this?

Tim: Some gal named Rottin’Milk.

Tim: …

Tim: Wait

featuring... dick grayson, jason todd, tim drake, damian wayne (aged up duh), duke thomas. stephanie brown

synopsis: the dates i think the robins would take you on. self explanatory

song: take me out - franz ferdinand

dick grayson

dick grayson who... takes you out to some fancy restaurant for your first date.

dick grayson who... seeing as it is the first date, doesnt try to do the lady and the tramp kiss, but thinks about it

dick grayson who... insists on paying since he’s the one who asked you out

dick grayson who... walks you home after because he wants to savour the moment, and driving goes too fast

dick grayson who... once you get to know each other better, takes you places that are much more niche.

diners on the brink of closing down, or food stalls on the street with meals you’ve never heard of, none of them are off the table with him

dick grayson who... kisses you under lamposts when it gets dark and twirls you around like youre in a disney movie

dick grayson who... wants to give you these things that he holds dear to him and make them part of you … and whats a more universal way to communicate that than food?

jason todd

jason todd who... regrets asking you out without having anything planned, and has been panicking for the past week

jason todd who... ends up giving you a ride around gotham on his bike (yes, of course he gets you your own helmet) in the evening when everything looks all pretty and glowy

jason todd who... shows you all his favourite little hidden treasures that the majority dont know about -- bookshops tucked away in nooks and crannies, antique stores full of little trinkets, all the stuff that juxtaposes his appearance

jason todd who... is as sweet to you as these places seem, and makes sure you don’t get back too late

jason todd who... walks you to your door to know youre safe, and texts you when he gets home that he is too, as if you need to worry

tim drake

tim drake who... invites you to his house to watch a movie. you know he’s rich, but jesus, this mansion is huge. a home theatre? youre kidding.

tim drake who... prepares lots of snacks, too, as you find out, bowls and bowls of them laid out in case youre picky.

tim drake who... lets you pick the movie because its the nice thing to do, and makes little quips to the characters when a scene isnt particularly tense

of course, once it’s done, theres still plenty of time…

tim drake who... now puts on one of his favourites and watches you intently throughout, making note of each change in your facial expressions

tim drake who... stalks your letterboxd when you leave (if you have one) to see if your film opinions are valid. and seemingly, you align with him pretty darn well

damian wayne

damian wayne who... quietly offers you a walk in the park with him. during the daytime, of course. no need for you both to get murdered.

damian wayne who... isnt as nonchalant as he seems at a glance. its nice

damian wayne who... takes turns with you feeding the ducks in the pond seeds, NOT bread, because he doesnt want to kill them.

damian wayne who... lets you talk his ear off for all he cares -- its like having a podcast playing, except it talks about silly things that he finds himself almost embarrassed to slightly care about

damian wayne who... buys you an icecream from an actual parlour down the street, not some low-tier van

damian wayne who... refuses to ask his father to drop you home when he can do it himself, thank you very much, and does it with grace

damian wayne who... calls you later and tacitly asks if you'd like to do it again sometime

duke thomas

duke thomas who... keeps it nice and simple by taking you to a cafe. somewhere cozy and warm, family-run, not some mega-corporation

duke thomas who... gives you a sip of his drink after seeing you eye it up without question

duke thomas who... engages so deeply in the conversation you start to believe he could be a customer service robot, because you’ve never met another human as curious about your life

duke thomas who... squeezes your hand across the table every time you make him laugh, which is actually quite often

duke thomas who... of course, doesnt make you do all the talking. 

duke thomas who... shares some of his other special coffee shops and tells you which ones to avoid, gives you little tidbits of gossip that really, he shouldnt be sharing, makes you giggle with his silly little jokes

duke thomas who... asks if youd be down to get dessert, because theres a cake shop thats just opened, and hes been dying to try it out

stephanie brown

stephanie brown who... takes you to a mini golf place without realising it will be her downfall

stephanie brown who... gets the ball into the first hole in 13. its not a great start, but it is great foreshadowing. at least youre polite enough not to laugh in her face

if you’re good at it? yeah, shes a little jealous. she stares at you carefully with each of your movements like shes studying one of the greats. you dont spend twenty minutes on one hole, so why does she have to be cursed to?? she’ll beg you to teach her your ways after, though, and if you say yes, she’s bound to pick it up eventually

if you’re bad at it? at least you suffer together. the whole time youre more focused on laughing at yourselves (and each other) to care about getting the best scores. its only when the people behind you start getting frustrated that you hurry off and take your business elsewhere

stephanie brown who... takes you to the restaurant on the course and asks if you wanna share a basket of fries. this time she doesnt even eat more than her half!!!! youre lucky, really

stephanie brown who... holds your hand the entire way home, asking very sincerely if you mind that she's terrible at golf

dividers by @/uzmacchiato

ok i know i said i would write but i had no inspiration for dc so you get headcanons. eat up.