#juni hc

here are a few examples:

“wayne enterprises is thriving”: jason has to kiss two fingers, point to the ceiling, before downing his glass

“proud to support gotham”: dick must yell “WOO YEAH GOTHAM BABY” like a frat pledge. every time. he once knocked over a senator’s mini canape tower doing it

“community matters”: damian has to silently take the nearest silverware/art/object of value, and pocket it while making unwavering eye contact with the nearest stranger (don’t ask how they managed to convince him to go along with the bit)

“family is everything”: tim sheds one award-winning tear. just one. that never fails to choke up those surrounding him.

and a bonus wildcard rule:

if bruce says anything about “gratitude,” EVERY batkid nods solemnly and whispers “for now.”

and you KNOW that they absolutely keep score as to whoever commits the best. the prize being that the winner gets to choose one (1) rule the others MUST abide by for a whole week.

previous prizes have included:

tim once won and made a house rule that no one was allowed to wake him up for anything (disaster. crime went up, gotham almost burned. but. rules are rules)

damian won and selected “no shoes inside the manor” and enforced it like a warlord (bruce had to brief the justice league in socks. wonder woman took a photo.)

dick made a rule that everyone had to compliment him before asking anything of him. it was hell.

steph (when she gets to play) forced them all to sync their jog cycles for one week (they looked like a mafia flash mob everywhere they went). (bruce was so done).

it started because bruce said “maybe go to college” and dick heard “develop a new personality and flee the country”. next thing anyone knows he’s in romania qualifying for men’s artistic gymnastics under a fake name. the funniest part is he’s the adopted son of one of the most photographed billionaires on earth. “who is this mysterious gymnast? 😍” would last approximately six minutes before anyone chronically online goes “?? isn't that??? richard grayson???”. (it is quite literally the worst-kept open secret in history). (the fake name didn’t last very long).

and still, everyone pretends it’s normal. like, yeah. of course the acrobat heir to the wayne empire ran away to do elite gymnastics on a global stage. that tracks.

except the olympic committee is sweating through their suits because how do you deal with someone who is

a global celebrity and established philanthropist

actually qualified athletically

also somehow immune to media training

because dick will just casually give post-routine interviews like: “i train about 6 hours a day, plus core, flexibility, patrol… uh, patrolling my thoughts :) mental patrol. positive patrol. yeah.” the press laughs because they think he’s joking. bruce is at home gripping the armrest and tearing out his hair

they try to put him through media prep because they want gotham to have SOME good press but dick just does not get the memo. like he genuinely believes he’s nailing it while saying things like: “yeah no, i don’t really get nervous. i just pretend i’m vaulting over a burning car haha.”

fans are making thirst edits, sports analysts are crying, and every commentator opens their segment with “yes, that richard grayson.”

and every time he does a routine, there’s always like one move that’s not illegal so much as “the FIG code of points literally does not know how to categorize that.” the judges just quietly agree to let it slide because there is no rule that says “the gymnast may not perform a vigilante-adjacent aerial manoeuvre.” and through all of it dick is genuinely just trying his best and being stupidly sincere and uncompetitive like “i’m just grateful to be here :)” while absolutely assassinating the scoreboard.

clark interviews him once for the olympics broadcast (good ol’ “family friend” nepotism) and is sweating the entire time because this is his most globally televised story yet like do not mention batman. do not mention acrobat double life. do not mention chasing a dude off a train last tuesday.

and dick just smiles like sunshine and says “i don’t really believe in limits. b says pain is temporary and so is death if you have the right connections” and clark nearly chokes on-air.

google: “bruce wayne bat—”

autocomplete: “bruce wayne batman boyfriend”

he pauses. stares. clicks. regrets.

the internet has created a ship between bruce wayne and batman. there’s fanart. there’s fanfics. there’s edits to “take me to church”. he sits there in silence for three whole minutes.

by morning, everyone knows:

Jason: who told the internet about bruceman and how do i bless their firstborn

Duke: i read one of the fics and bruce calls batman “my dark protector” im in tears

Tim: he crew. we both crode

Steph: STOPP i think i saw that one it had like 87k views!!!

Damian: This is blasphemy. This is against reason.

Dick: The fanart. The fanart

Damian: There is no dignity.

Cass: True love.

bruce walks in mid-chaos. sees bruceman on tim’s screen.

utter silence.

because the thing is. the thing is it was supposed to be a cover. a deterrent he’d only started (stupidly, naively started) so no one would ever consider the possibility that they were the same person!

like some teenager gets saved and just goes “thanks, batman :) you’re doing great, actually” and he literally freezes because no one has said that to him since 1997. he just stands there in the smoke like some medieval knight having an emotional crisis. suddenly news anchors are saying stuff like “batman was seen preventing a mugging last night. great job, king” and the police scanner has gcpd officers doing it too “uh… b-man? mr batman, sir? rooftop on east. you’re doing… good. proud of you. over.” and batman’s cape very subtly twitches like he got shot

the batkids IMMEDIATELY clock what’s happening and it becomes psychological warfare:

nightwing on the group chat: You’re doing amazing, B!

robin: Father, I am… impressed. Do not make this embarrassing

red hood: nice punch. proud of you, buddy.

batman: Enough.

red hood: <3

babs starts leaving sticky notes on his gadgets like “good job charging your equipment :)”

and tim schedules google calendar notifications including “you matter. drink water.”

cass passes him in the hallway and bumps her shoulder into his like you’re here. so am i. she signs safe before disappearing again.

steph starts trailing him on rooftops yelling “DARK KNIGHT AAATE” until criminals leave out of secondhand discomfort

even the rogues are in on it. they all pool together to make a large bouquet (which looks totally incohesive, by the way) tied with a pretty bow and a small glittery card: thank you <3

he just. stares at it

Dick: Tim

Dick: Tim

Dick: ...

Dick: Anyone got eyes on Tim?

Duke: thought he was with you

Dick: No, he peeled off near Park Row. Said he’d be 12 minutes

Jason: if he fell asleep on a rooftop again leave him there

Jason: natural selection etc

Bruce: He should have checked in by now.

Steph: bruce u trained him to run on negative sleep and zesti 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ this is on u

Damian: Tt. Typical of Drake to go missing.

Cass: ❌🏠🧭

Dick: Okay, I’m doing a sweep around Crime Alley

Duke: GUYS I FOUND HIS BIKE

Bruce: Oracle, send location. Regroup there.

Barbara: On it.

Tim: im fine stop acting like im missing

Dick: Where were you?

Tim: altercation. its handled now

Dick: ?

Barbara: ?

Jason: ??

Duke: ????

Steph: ??????????

Tim: alley cat stole my comm. i had to negotiate

Jason: you got mugged by a cat

Tim: it had backup

Steph: so you got jumped by. what. multiple cats

Tim: look im not discussing this. i'll be home in 20

Damian: I have reviewed the city’s feline population. None record a threat level high enough to defeat you. Explain yourself.

Tim: they flanked me ok

Cass: Ambush. Respect.

Jason: holy shit we are never letting him live this down

Bruce: This goes in the patrol report.

Tim: no it doesn’t.

Bruce: Yes it does.

Damian: Failure should be documented for study.

Tim: i hate this family

Dick: Anyways

Dick: Because Alfred is gone for two weeks we need a cooking rotation so we don’t all die

Jason: bold of you to assume im not ordering takeout every night

Dick: b said we “should learn basic domestic independence”

Duke: umm which is rich coming from a man who once asked a blender “what mode is soup”

Bruce: I am capable in the kitchen.

Steph: lmaooooo

Barbara: Lol

Jason: last time you boiled pasta without water. i had to scrape burned noodles off the pot

Jason: my FAVOURITE pot

Cass: 😬

Jason: so who’s cooking tonight

Bruce: I will.

Jason: no

Bruce: I am capable.

Jason: we’re gonna starve

Tim: i will hunt

Steph: tim

Damian: Drake.

Tim: a feral turkey was spotted near the west garden last month. i tracked it.

Duke: like hell we're eating garden turkey

Tim: okay forget it. i ordered three pizzas. eat and shut up

Steph: three?!?!

Bruce: I could have cooked.

Steph: three.

Jason: sure old man. and i could be a dental hygienist. we live with our limits.

Steph: t h r e e

Tim: oh my GOD ill get more

Dick: Wait, does anyone want a bagel? I’m passing the 24hr deli

Cass: 🙋‍♀️

Steph: ooohh

Jason: just get me something violent. like something with jalapenos forged in regret...

Steph: wtf

Steph: strawberry milk :)

Tim: coffee black litre sized

Duke: 1 of those chocolate covered pretzel packets pls

Damian: Nothing. Food weakens focus at this hour.

Tim: says the child who once threw up after half a donut

dick’s is long, rambling. the kind of thing you can tell was written over years. it starts as a joke (“play ‘another one bites the dust’ at my funeral. i dare you” and “don’t let bruce wear black, make him wear the discowing”) but it slides somewhere heavier around paragraph three. there’s a sentence crossed out so many times it’s unreadable, and below it: “i’m sorry.”

jason’s note was torn and tossed in a dumpster outside his apartment. it is unorganised, more confession than message. no punctuation. no structure. just anger that keeps folding in on itself. “i wasn’t trying to make it your problem” is repeated three times, then erased, then rewritten smaller. the last line just says, “i’m sorry if it happens again.”

tim’s reads like documentation. he has it saved on the batcomputer, under a code that only comes undone after his passing. he lists passwords, evidence caches, two separate encrypted folders, and a five-step contingency for what to do if he “mysteriously disappears again”. all neat, clinical. the last line ruins it: “delete my ao3 history before anyone finds it.”

cass’s note is short, tucked in her phone case. one sentence. sharp: “don’t let them make it pretty.” she doesn’t elaborate, but she doesn’t need to.

damian’s is a formal, written letter he keeps in his desk drawer. like a will. “ensure Titus is cared for”, “inform Jon personally”, “tell Grayson he was unbearable”. then, at the bottom, written months later: “delete the recordings of me laughing. that’s private.”

barbara’s note starts practical: who to contact, what systems to shut down. halfway through there’s a lowercase line that breaks the pattern: “don’t let him shut down again.”

bruce’s exists too. the name’s the same. it’s empty. it’s been opened hundreds of times.