#arospec problems

I spent so much of my life having a battle in my brain trying to figure out how the hell I felt about people and in myself, and even now I still don’t fully know. But ever since learning about these differences, I’ve stopped having so much internal turmoil and am able to sit down and look at/think about what’s happening with me. It’s not just black and white “this is sexual and romantic attraction because those things go together”. And it’s also not “asexuals can’t have a sex drive or an interest in sex”. It’s not any of that. They’re all completely different and we all feel them differently, at different times, at different intensities.

I feel really lost.

I always ID'd as a romance neutral/positive aro, so like, theoretically, I could end up in a romantic relationship. And I didn't feel like it made me less aro.

Until I got into this relationship, and I feel like I have no right to be part of the aro community now.

And I've got these feelings that I think might be romantic. Where I see her and I feel all soft and squishy, and that's okay when she's there. I feel ok with romantic attraction to this one specific person when she's around. I even like it.

But when she's not around, I'm so fucking uncomfortable with these feelings I don't even have words like what the fuck. It's sticky and cloying and I want to get away from these feelings. I'm experiencing romantic attraction, and am so uncomfortable. .. except when the person I'm attracted to is there. Then it's ok and less overwhelming. But when she's not here, the attraction is still here, and fuck, it's so WEIRD.

I don't understand why people like this, covet this, act like this is the best fucking thing in the world. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted.

Am I even making sense?

The struggle is real

So I have a GIANT squish on a girl from my school. Let’s call her... Rachel. I saw Rachel for the first time at an orientation day a month or two before we all moved in, and she really stuck out to me cuz I really liked her outfit. She was an art student, like me, and I REALLY wanted to compliment her hair. I was already pushing myself to talk to people that day, but for some reason, I thought she was so cool that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. A few days later, an adhd blog that I’ve been following posted a selfie, AND IT WAS HER!!!!! I couldn’t believe it!! What a small world!!! I probably should have messaged her asap and been like “hey, I saw you at orientation for (school)!! That’s so cool that we’re going to the same place, I’ve followed this blog for a while!! What’s your major? *etc*” But, once again, I was too nervous. (And now reading that back, I’m realizing that’s probably EXACTLY what I should’ve done so I’m kicking myself even more that I didn’t.)

 Since we’re both art majors, once we got to school, I saw her around campus every once in a while, but it wasn’t too much, since she wasn’t in any of my classes. But, a few days ago, I went to the dining hall like 5 minutes after it opened so it wouldn’t be crowded, and there Rachel was, working there!!! So I just ordered my food and waited, thinking how funny it would be if she was the one to give me my food, and guess what happened next. She was the one to give me my food. Shocker. I told her to have a good day, ate my food, and freaked out that we had actually exchanged words. 

I think I’ve seen her around campus at least once a day since then. Later, my friends were arguing about a girl named Rachel. I didn’t know if this was the same one or a different one. One of my friends (lets call her Dana) had matched with her on Tinder and was saying she was at pride, while the other friend was saying there was a girl named Rachel at pride, but a different one. Then, Dana showed me a picture of her and asked if she was at pride, and no, she was not at pride, but yes, it was the Rachel I had a squish on!!! What the fuck!!! So I started thinking, wow, wouldn’t it be funny if Rachel and Dana started dating??? Then, I’m SURE I would meet her at some point!

Guess what happened a few days later.

I was running back to my dorm because I forgot my eraser and I was gonna be late for class when I saw Dana and Rachel walking the opposite direction laughing and holding hands. WHAT THE FUUUCK. I told Dana while speedwalking “I’m gonna be late for class cuz I forgot my eraser aaaaa I’m so dumb!!!!’ and she went “oh no, good luck!!!’ So at this point my head was spinning. While berating myself for forgetting my eraser, I was also silently celebrating cuz if Dana and Rachel are dating, I’m sure I’ll be introduced to her at some point! But then I remembered that Rachel just saw me speedwalking scatterbrained all gross and sweaty cuz I forgot my eraser, but then I also remembered I literally follow her adhd blog, so she’s probably not gonna judge me for that. But THEN I ALSO remembered that Dana is the friend I ranted to about how much I wanted to be friends with Rachel and how I follow Rachel’s adhd blog but I’ve been too nervous to say anything, and Dana probably told her this. I still am not sure how to feel about this. I saw her again on my way back to class, eraser in hand, so I assumed she had just dropped Dana off at her class. I knew that she just saw me panicking over an eraser, and she knows I’m friends with her girlfriend, so I prepared myself for her to say something to me. But either she didn’t see me or she ignored me. I decided this was fine since I was late for class anyway and didn’t have time for a conversation.

But its not over yet. Literally THIS MORNING, I went to the cafe that I’ve been going to every morning I have class in that building, and GUESS WHO WAS WORKING THERE, TOO. WHAT THE FUCK. So I silently panicked and ordered an iced matcha latte, and Rachel groaned and said “another one?!”, laughed and said she was kidding, and I realized that she was already working on one for another customer. After I got my breakfast, I sat down and realized she made a joke. She joked with me!!!!! So I once again silently celebrated.

She HAS to recognize me at this point, right? Not only have I seen her almost every day, multiple times a day, but she knows I’m friends with her girlfriend, and thanks to that, probably knows how badly I want to be friends with her. It REALLY feels like the universe is pushing us together, but I have NO IDEA how to approach her. I’ve had a squish on her for MONTHS, and I’ve known her name and followed her blog and talked about how cool I thought she was and how much I wanted to be friends with her for MONTHS, and I probably know way more about her than she does about me when we’ve literally never spoken to each other, so it really feels like I’m stalking her, when literally every time I’ve bumped into her has been 100% accidental. Mostly, I’m scared that she’ll be creeped out by how I’ve wanted to be friends with her for so long. I kinda hope Dana told Rachel about me so that...... I don’t know, I guess so she’ll hear about me from someone she trusts who also is friends with me? Cuz I can’t get it out of my head that if I try to talk to her it would just seem like I’m like “I know you don’t know who I am but I know who you are and I’ve known who you are for months........” It just seems so creepy to meeee

I feel like someday soon either Dana will introduce us, or Rachel be like “I heard you’re friends with my girlfriend!” or I will be forced to talk to her first. Overall, I just have no idea how to phrase it without seeming weird. And I really don’t want to lie to her and say that I only just found out that I follow her adhd blog cuz if she already knows who I am from Dana and knows I’m too awkward to talk to her, she’ll know that I’m lying, and then I’ll seem even creepierrrr

I think someday if I see her just sitting and eating or something, like when she doesn’t seem busy, I just have to be like “Hey! We’ve been running into each other a lot, huh? That’s pretty weird!” and then try to casually mention that I follow her adhd blog cuz I feel like if we do actually become friends, the longer I go without saying that, the weirder it will be. Now that I think about it, I don’t really know why the adhd blog part is so important to me. I think its just that I know who she is from tumblr so I think it would be weird if I’m pretending that I don’t know anything about her and she’s a stranger to me when I already know who she is. I guess. Like it really feels like we’re destined to be friends, but THAT’S SO WEIRD I CAN’T JUST SAY THAT TO HER IT SOUNDS SO CREEPY!!!!!!