#greyro

But in some way, I almost prefer the dynamic between my ships before they get together? The way they grow closer and stumble and overthink. There's something deeply attractive in the concept of realising "huh my life could actually be a lot better with this person/people around and I actually can return the favour. we can give eachother what we want and be happy about it" (the happy part isn't always necessary some fictional bros are just meant to suffer). This mental journey is what makes any kind of relationship yummy.

The problem is: a lot of people seem to see getting together as The Ultimate Incredible Form of Relationship upon reaching which all development ceases. Why change if We're Already Perfect or whatever. Nevermind that a relationship isn't frozen veggies and can and WILL change with time. People actually fall out and break up and divorce you know and even if they don't their feelings will change with time, just as much as their personality. A couple doesn't just reach the Perfect Spouses level and then live forever in harmony that's just. Wrong. Get This Bullshit Out Of My Yogurt.

Then you go and read something with actual good aro rep, or a committed platonic relationship or even romance written for giggles by a fellow aro (poly relationship stories also tend to be much better in this regard). And you're just stunned by how good it is? There's all the good things from romance but without all the cheesy meaningless nonsense that is here just because amatonormativity says it has to be. There's all the intricate levels of personal growth and attraction and love. Ugh why can't everyone see love the way aspecs do/hj

hey. i am also aroflux and i relate to what you're saying, i've definitely felt weighed down by rocks at the thought of being in a relationship before!

you said you don't know why you felt repulsed. my advice is to break the feeling down into parts. what elements of "being in a relationship" appeal to you, and what parts are repulsive? get specific! when you notice yourself feeling repulsed, what just happened to trigger it? why? what would you prefer to have gone differently? if you could construct an ideal relationship, completely disregarding all societal expectations of what a relationship is supposed to look like, what would it look like? how would it differ from what you are currently doing?

no self-judging anything you think of!! no "but that's stupid, who would accept to be in a relationship like that", no "but i SHOULD want that", not even "if i'm like this i won't be good enough". even if you think it's true! we'll get to that later. first we want to just identify what you like and what freaks you out by using your feelings as a compass. don't worry about what love "is", just think about what you like/want and what you don't like/want.

here's some examples of things i've identified as repulsion triggers for myself. if my partner expects romance all the time but i can't do that cuz of aroflux, i feel like i have to force it, and that makes me feel trapped. pda makes me feel unsafe. i don't want to be perceived by others as "dating". if i don't have enough time by myself, i feel trapped. i don't want to live with my partner or share money or even share meals.

next. communication. the goal is to have an honest dialogue about what each of you wants and needs out of the relationship.

the things you identify as repulsion triggers, tell him what they are and explain what you think might need to be different for you to not feel that way. ask him how he feels about that. tell him you're still trying to figure this all out, but you'll let him know what you figure out as you go.

you said he deserves to be loved romantically all the time. in order to know if this is true, you have to know if it's actually important to him to be loved romantically all the time, or if he's fine with flux (genuinely fine, not secretly disappointed). it may take some work from him to figure this out. if he's not fine with flux, maybe there's something you could do during the flux that would make him feel more secure without making you feel uncomfortable. if you're both honest about what you want and need, you can figure it out together.

there is a chance it won't work out. for example, if living together is a really important element of what my partner wants out of a relationship, but it's really important to me that i don't live with my partner, then we have a compatibility issue and we're probably better off not being together. it's not their fault and it's not my fault. we aren't fighting or being mean. we are facing a hard reality together. at least we can say we tried our best to make it work. they DO deserve to be with someone who can live with them, and i also deserve to be with someone who is happy living apart.

woah woah woah what do you mean you still want to say your opinion? demi and greyros 100% count as aromantic and we don't discriminate on this blog no sir!!