#911reader

A few weeks passed and as LA became warmer and prepared itself for spring, your hopes of a “new start” seemed to be crumbling as your mental and physical health already started declining. You worked every hour of the day, everyday of the week. You worked hard for this position and didn’t want to let anyone down. But the pressure of perfection and achieving was getting too much. 

“I’m aware of the numbers, just get the report done so I can look it over.” You sighed in annoyance. It felt like the hundred work call of the day and it was way after work hours. You poked your spatula in the frying pan as you held with your other hand the phone closer to your ear. It was late and you were tired and hungry. 

Your mind felt hazy as you finally ended the call and glanced over the time that read past midnight. “Jesus Christ.” You muttered to yourself, realising you still had a lot to do to prepare for your meeting that morning. 

Your eyes became heavy and your body almost limb with tiredness. “C’mon got to eat.” You reminded yourself before rubbing your eyes exhausted. You sighed deeply, throwing your head back as a frustrated groan escaped your lips. Work papers were scattered around the counter mixed with broken eggshells. You could almost laugh at the absurdity if you had the strength.

As the eggs cooked further you looked over some more documents. You read the files over, not taking your eyes off the paper as you accidentally knocked the pan of the stove onto the counter due to an attempt of grabbing your spatula again. “Shit.” You cursed, dropping the file to save your food. But just when you turned to the side you noticed the paper landing onto the gas stove and catching fire almost immediately, creating a chain of everything flammable on the counters. 

“No, no, no!” You panicked, suddenly wide awake as you tried progressing what was happening. You cried out. Your hands flew drastically in the air as you looked around for something, anything, to stop the fire. Once you realized it was way out of your control you quickly backed away, your head slightly hitting the counter behind you as you trembled to grab your phone from your pocket. 

“911 what’s you emergency?” 

The emergency services arrived quickly and the fire was out in no time. Yet for you it all seemed to have happened in slow motion. You sat frozen on your couch, the angle from where you were sitting gave you an overlook of your burned down kitchen. The firefighters were cleaning up and examining the damage, words seemed to fail you as you tried progressing what had happened. 

“Do you need anything?” A firefighter asked kindly, kicking you out of your trance. His voice was soft as he lowered down to kneel in front of you. “A blanket? Some water?” He offered before remarking on the cold night breeze that escaped through the open windows as ventilation. 

“I’m okay, thank you.” You muttered, unable to pierce your eyes away from the sight in front of you. There was a short silence as you looked at the damages and you could feel the tears almost starting to fall. Your head was pounding but you didn’t know if it was from emotion, hunger or the hit you took from the countertops. 

The firefighter didn’t seem to believe your words as he grabbed a nearby blanket from your couch and threw it over your shoulders. You looked at him slightly taken off guard but grateful. “Thank you.” You whispered. And finally you looked at him. He had a warm smile as he introduced himself as Buck. He was kind and gentle and had these ocean blue eyes you could almost drown in. It was a horrible moment to be caught of guard by a handsome stranger but you just couldn’t help it with him. 

You told him your name and he complimented it before repeating it to himself with a smile. “So,” He started, tilting his head slightly to take a better look at you. “Are you sure you’re not in any pain.”

It was if he knew exactly what you were thinking. Your head was started to be a real pain but you were too hazed to acknowledge it yourself. “My head hurts a little.” You said quilty, rubbing the back of your neck to sooth the pain. “I took quite the hint from my cabinet.”

“Mind if I take a look?” He offered to which you nodded in approval. His fingers were soft as they traced over the spot you were caressing earlier. He had a concentrated look on his face, his eyebrows slightly knitting together as he examined you further. 

“I’ll give you something for the headache.” Buck offered, grabbing a painkiller from his kit. “It seems like that cabinet had it out for you.” He joked as he gave you a bottle of water. “Yeah I think so too.” You chuckled. 

“I don think it’s anything to worry about. But if the pain keeps coming back you come and see me okay.” 

“I will. Thank you Buck.” 

“Anytime.” 

Days went by and your kitchen was still under construction but luckily you got some time off of work. After working countless hours and weekends it was finally your first time to explore your new city and take some time off for yourself. You were thrilled and felt alive for the first time in weeks. You saw the kitchen incident as a firm reminder of the universe to set better boundaries when it came to your career. Even though the step was terrifying, it was very much necessary.

You went on a small shopping spree for new kitchen items before stopping at one of the local cafes people kept raving about online. You walked up to the entrance, ready to open the door but someone beat you too it. Smiling politely he held it open for you as you both entered. “Thank you.” You said kindly before looking up at him.

You pushed your bag closer to your body, completely caught off guard as you suddenly realized the cute firefighter from your apartment fire was standing in front of you. He was taller than you remembered and his eyes sparkled even more with the sunlight. He wasn’t wearing his uniform, just a white shirt with a blue denim jacket. His lips turned into a genuine smile as he said your name so perfectly again. You were surprised he remembered it and from the way his face lit up you could tell you had made a bigger impact on him than you realized.

“Buck.” Your heart was pounding in your chest as he moved closer. His hand breezed inches away from your waist as he gestured for you to move with him further inside. “You remember me?” Buck playfully scoffed as if he was surprised that you even asked that. “such a cute face I can never forget.” He admitted, flashing a warm but teasing smile that made you feel fuzzy.

“How’s the kitchen?” He asked curious.

“Still under construction.” You answered with a tired sigh. The thought of the situation was still delicate to you since you hadn’t fully processed it all, not to mention all the stress renovating and organising a new kitchen brings with itself. “I took some time off work to wrap my head around everything.” You admitted.

“That sounds like a smart idea.” He said genuine. “I sometimes forget that after my job, putting out the fire, for most people then the real mess begins.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Well I- I am terrible at paperwork, I have got a captain to prove that to you but-,” He grinned, slightly fixing his posture. “I am great at fixing things. So I will give you my number and if you need literally anything, I’d be happy to help.”

You felt your heart racing and your cheeks heat up. There was a short silence were you just looked into each other his eyes smiling, completely caught of guard that you almost forgot to hand him your phone. But in that small moment, you just knew. Eyes sometimes say so much more then words and in that beat you felt such a connection to each other that the universe was basically screaming at you to take up on his offer.

“Yeah- yeah, of-of course.” You were snapped back to reality. Messily looking and hitting every pocket to find your phone. You both laughed at the clumsiness’s and he commented how he almost never could find his own phone.

Buck put his number in your phone, payed for coffee and you both stayed talking. He shared stories of his work and his friends and you talked about life in London and moving to LA. Buck vowed to take you out someday and show you the city, not wanting you to miss out and everything Los Angels had to offer. You couldn’t believe how much you had in common and how natural and easy conversation with him felt. You could listen to his stories for hours but sadly you had to get back and he had to start his shift. So with a hug goodbye and a promise of a text you both parted ways for the day.

Luckily you kept your promise, Buck helped you with your kitchen and your place felt back like home. Who new that because of all this you met your soulmate and were able to make Los Angels your true new forever home.

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A frustrated sigh left your mouth as you downed your third shot of the night. You supposed this was you drinking away your sorrows. It wasn’t like you, but you could handle your liquor well. Besides, the night just wasn’t going as planned.

In most ways, it was like any other late night out after a shift. You and the crew were out at Tony's, one of the bars most frequented by police and firefighters alike. It was a chill place to swap war stories and relax with everyone before going home for the night.

Usually, you thoroughly enjoyed it, but tonight? Tonight was utter shit.

The reason for that sat across the bar, in the form of a sly dark brunette trying to have her way with Buck. She had set her sights the moment she walked into the bar. Initially, you were sitting next to him, but after listening to her over-the-top flirting, you found another seat.

It wasn’t the first time you had been forced to listen to someone try to put the moves on him – probably wouldn’t be the last – but why did it have to happen on the night you were going to?

It didn’t help that Buck looked so damn alluring tonight. After shift, he had changed into a maroon short sleeve button up that perfectly complimented his bulking frame. His blonde hair was perfectly brushed back, cobalt eyes sparking and mesmerizing.

God, you were a sucker for him.

Which was why you had finally decided to make an official move on him. You say official because well, technically you already had. The two of you had slept together a few months ago at a party another crew was throwing. It was a brief drunken moment of passion and fun, but one that hadn’t left your mind.

Neither of you had spoken about it since, but you couldn’t stop thinking about it. You wanted to feel his hands on your body again, kiss those plush lips, and more. But, you also wanted more of him - for him to be yours.

You weren’t sure if the feeling was mutual, but why not try? It was hard to work up the courage, but after a talk with Eddie last week, you were ready. Or so you thought.

It wasn’t like you lacked confidence but compared to that beautiful woman pushing up on Buck… You weren’t so sure you stood a chance. It didn’t help that Buck appeared to be enjoying her attention if the laughs and smiles between the two of them were any indications. Hell, maybe he would even be taking her home tonight and you couldn't blame either of them in the slightest.

Maybe the night the two of you spent together had been completely forgetful. Maybe he had never thought twice about you.

The mere thought had you needing more alcohol to pour down your throat. You were about to call the bartender over for another, when someone placed a hand on your shoulder.

“Whoa there. You’ve been knocking them back, think you should slow down?” Eddie asked worriedly as he sat down next to you.

“Nope, I’m just swell,” you replied defensively.

You pretended to not notice the bitterness in your voice.

The brown-eyed firefighter sighed, “We talked about what you were going to do tonight. So, I know how you must be feeling.”

“Fine, I’m bothered, but maybe this is a sign that it wasn’t meant to be… that it’s for the best.”

“I don’t think that’s the case. Sometimes shit just happens, doesn't mean you should give up.”

You smiled at the earnest in Eddie’s voice, knowing he was genuinely concerned and wanted to cheer you up. Eddie and you had grown quite close since you transferred. You thought of him like the older brother you never had. In fact, you had spent most of the night with him after moving away from Buck. He was the only reason you were still here.

“Thanks, Eddie, I appreciate that. I think I should just head home. I’m gonna call an Uber and put this night behind me.”

Eddie seemed to mull it over for a moment before getting up and saying, “Nah, I can’t let you head out of here alone. Let me take you. I’ll just go and say goodnight to everyone.”

“Sure,” you said with a shrug, getting up too. “But I’ll go ahead and wait outside for you. Tell everyone I said bye.”

Eddie nodded without protest as you quickly paid your tab and made an exit before anyone else noticed. It wasn’t like you, but you had seen more than enough tonight.

Love was a battlefield for Evan Buckley and you were its loser tonight.

You accepted the defeat as you stepped out of the bar and breathed in the fresh California air. It was beautiful tonight with stars out and glimmering. You couldn’t even hear any sirens, which always put you at ease.

As soon as Eddie dropped you off, you planned to get into a nice hot shower and let the stress soak out of you. Maybe stay up all night and watch some sappy romantic comedies. You didn’t work again for a few days, you could afford to ruin your sleep schedule.

A few minutes passed and you began to wonder if Eddie had forgotten about you. You were about to peek inside when the bar door opened and to your surprise, Buck stepped out.

“Hey,” he said, stepping towards you with a grin that nearly took your breath away.

“Buck?” You squeaked out, “what are you doing out here?”

The blonde-haired firefighter frowned in confusion. “I’m taking you home. Eddie said you asked me too.”

Your eyes narrowed at that, knowing exactly what Eddie was up to. That no good trouble maker…

“Um no, I’m good actually. Eddie was mistaken, you should head back inside.”

“Nonsense, I’m ready to go anyways,” Buck said quickly, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and pulling you into him. “Let’s get out of here.”

Heat flaring in your cheeks, you could only nod, your protests dying on your lips at the feeling of his body against yours. It was completely innocent, but just a mere touch from Buck always sent your heart racing. There was no way you were going to be able to say no and maybe a part of you didn’t want to.

So, here you sat in Buck’s nice shiny car. Your hands wrung together anxiously in your lap as you stared out of the window. The bar was a half hour from both your places, which was only minutes from Buck’s. It made sense to drive home together, but that didn’t mean you were exactly happy about it.

Your buzz was starting to wear off now and so your emotions were coming to you tenfold. After all, you were pissed that Eddie had done this to you. Why had he lied to Buck about taking you home?  Surely, Buck must have not wanted to, considering he had been busy talking to that girl.

Thoughts of them were still buzzing in your mind and you couldn’t help but unconsciously clench your jaw. The mental image of her draping her hands all over him sent a pang through your heart.

“You okay over there?” Buck asked, taking you out of your head. “You seem tense.”

“Just tired, I guess,” you replied curtly.

“You didn’t seem too tired at the bar.”

“Pfft, I’m surprised you noticed, considering how preoccupied you were,” you muttered defensively.

Buck glanced at you in confusion.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know, you seemed busy with that woman sitting at the bar. The two of you were pretty friendly,” you huffed, knowing how silly and jealous you sounded, but unwilling to give in.

However, you were surprised to notice Buck grip the steering wheel a bit tightly, his eyes suddenly serious.

It took him a second to reply, but when he did, jealousy coated his voice. “Well, you and Eddie were getting cozy too.”

“Yeah, we were talking, so what? Why would you have a problem with that? Eddie and I are friends, you know that,” you asked, squinting.

Buck let out a heavy sigh and didn’t respond. Instead, he got off the highway and pulled the car into an empty parking lot.

You could tell he wanted to say something important, so you waited patiently until he turned to you and spoke.

“I have a problem with that because I like you. I really fucking like you. I have since before we slept together a while back.”

Your heart skipped a beat at Buck’s words. How many sleepless nights had you spent imagining this exact moment? Wondering what it would be like for him to spill his heart out like this to you, but still, you needed clarity.

“But, if you feel this way, why were you talking to that girl? She was all over you.”

“I didn’t even want to talk to her, she started talking to me and I was being polite. Next thing I know you’re gone and all alone with Eddie. So, maybe I let her flirt with me because I was jealous.”

You blinked at his words. Was Buck seriously telling you he was jealous of Eddie? That he thought you liked Eddie?

Taking a deep breath, you prepared to tell him everything.

“Buck - I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t like Eddie, he’s like a brother to me. I’ve liked you for so long too. I’ve been wanting to tell you and I was going to do it tonight, but I let myself chicken because I was jealous too.”

Buck simply stared at you for a moment in astonishment.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“So - you’re saying we’ve both been jealous of the other all night when we could have been together the whole time?”

“Looks like it. We’re idiots.”

The two of you let out chuckles at that and you couldn’t help smiling. Relief and warmth filled your heart as you processed the fact that Buck liked you too. You didn’t have to keep imagining a repeat of that sweet night the two of you shared - more would come soon.

Buck leaned in toward you, intertwining your hand with his and squeezing gently. You could tell he was just as happy as you.

“Maybe I could take you on a proper date tomorrow. We can talk things out, figure out where we wanna go from here..”

You nodded, “I’d love that Buck. I gotta say though, I’m not sure I’m feeling up to being alone tonight. Maybe you could stay over?”

Buck clearly caught the implication of your words, because in seconds he was letting you go of your hand and pulling back onto the road.

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“I swear there’s something illegal going on there but no one believes me! Doesn’t help that I don’t have any proof to prove them wrong,” you sighed, sitting back in your chair at the dining table in the fire hall, your arms crossed over your chest.

“You are absolutely insane for spying on your neighbours, you know that, right?” Eddie asked and you rolled your eyes.

“Come on Eddie, if you saw what I saw, you’d be snooping.”

“Which was what exactly?” Buck asked as he joined you.

“She says she has an Etsy store, but people only ever come and buy stuff from her in the dead of night.”

“So like 10:30 for you?” Hen teased and you lightly shoved her.

“No like 3 am, I’m not joking,” you said. “And I found her instagram and that girl is living well beyond her means for a retail worker who has an Etsy shop on the side. I’m talking about vacations every other month, she bought a Mercedes recently, something is up for sure.”

“I agree,” Bobby jumped into the conversation.

“Thank you! Finally someone with some common sense,” you exclaimed. “Now if only I could figure out what the hell she’s up to.”

“You need to stake her place out,” Bobby said simply.

“You say that as if you’ve done it before, Cap,” Chimney chuckled.

“Maybe once or twice off the record, but with good reason and my hunches were right.”

“What do I have to pay you to come over tonight and help me figure this out?” you laughed, but the whole team knew you were being dead serious.

“Just a cup of coffee, I’ll come over at 11,” he smiled and you clapped your hands together victoriously.

“5 bucks says this is gonna blow up in your faces,” Eddie took out his wallet and put the cash on the table.

“I’ll take that action,” Hen nodded. “I’ve seen Bobby do his thing, there’s a slight chance this could go right.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence Hen,” you said sarcastically. “Jokes on all of you, this is gonna go great.”

After your shift was over you headed home and ate something for dinner before napping for a few hours so you could manage to stay up late that night.

Your alarm went off just ten minutes before Bobby arrived and you had a pot of coffee hot and ready when he came inside.

“So where does this neighbour of yours live?” he asked.

“She’s the apartment directly across the hall,” you pointed. “If you look through the peephole you can see, that’s how I’ve been doing most of my spying.”

“Alright, we can use that and since you’re on the first floor if the opportunity presents itself, maybe we can see if there’s any clues from the window.”

“Man, I didn’t even think of that,” you chuckled. “Oh this is gonna be so fun.”

You poured Bobby a cup of coffee and you waited eagerly for one of your neighbour’s customers to show up. After a while, no one had come and your neighbour had left the house a while ago so Bobby suggested to get a look through the window.

“We’ve gotta be quiet though, I’m not the only snoopy neighbour, if someone sees me they’ll call the cops for sure,” you noted, grabbing Bobby’s hand and leading him out of the building and to the rear where you could peek in through the windows.

Some of the blinds were drawn and others were open so you got looks where you could, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

“This can’t be it,” you shook your head.

“I know, somethings not sitting right with me,” Bobby agreed, there had to be something you weren’t seeing.

You leaned against one of the windows in defeat and looked over at Bobby in shock when it shifted. You exchanged knowing glances, no one would find out about this part.

Since you knew the neighbours better, you stayed on lookout to make sure you didn’t get caught while Bobby carefully climbed inside and searched for clues.

He took a few photos here and there so they could go over them later, but what he was really looking for was what she could possibly be selling that was making her so much money.

On the table he found a date book and quickly flipped through it, finding some potentially useful information on the sales, but before he could do anything about it, he heard your voice quietly, but urgently exclaim,

“Shit! She’s back! Bobby you’ve gotta get the hell outta there, but just as he was going to climb out the window you saw something that told you he should wait a moment. So you hid behind a bush and waited for another neighbour to go inside before practically grabbing Bobby and pulling him out of her apartment and closing the open window.

You both ran inside and you fumbled for your keys as your heard footsteps coming closer. Honestly, you thought it looked pretty incriminating, but it was possible the adrenaline was getting in the way of your better judgment.

The footsteps became even louder and for some reason your keys were not in your pocket, so in a desperate attempt to save face you looked Bobby dead in the eye and said,

“Kiss me.”

“What?” he quietly exclaimed like he hadn’t heard you correctly the first time.

“Just trust me Bobby! Kiss me!”

Just as he took your face in his hands and he pulled you towards him you wrapped your arms around his neck and his lips came crashing down on yours. You kissed feverishly as your neighbour came past you and to her door, only breaking apart to nervously chuckle as you made eye contact with her.

“Tinder am I right?” you shrugged and she smiled knowingly before nodding and giving you a thumbs up of approval before going inside her place.

“Tinder? Really?” Bobby asked.

“It was the only thing I could think of!” you slapped a hand to your forehead and shook your head.

“Just like kissing me was the only thing you could come up with?” he asked with a raised brow.

You finally found your keys, unlocking the door and letting Bobby go inside before you.

“Okay, maybe the adrenaline got my wires crossed,” you admitted. “But I could say the same for you Captain Nash, you really committed to the bit for that kiss.”

“Well,” he coughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe my wires were crossed too.”

“Maybe we should cross them again,” you suggested, coming a little closer, “And never tell anyone about what happened tonight, like ever.”

“I can live with that,” he agreed, wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing another kiss to your lips.

“I desperately wanted to hate what I could see growing before my eyes, whilst I felt the sting of bitterness deepening within the depths of my soul.

Knowing I was being unintentionally pushed aside, I couldn’t bring myself to hate such tender love, pure and healing those festering wounds within you both. I knew there was no way forward. This was my out and I had to take it before those dreaded dark seeds blossomed. I could not be the one to tear down love as beautiful as yours.”

The sound of silence was almost deafening in how all-consuming it was, as you stood staring straight ahead. You had brought the axe down hard, cutting the conversation dead in its tracks. What else could be said after such a heart-breaking confession?

Your mouth was dryer than the Sahara desert as you waited for the oppressive atmosphere to pass.  You would have regretted the moment those words crossed your lips if they had been a falsehood, a lie to distract from the truth. However this was your reality, this was how you truly felt. You watched as Bobby’s hope deflated as he began to disappear into himself once more.

This cut deeper than anything else, as you witnessed his confidence and self-worth splinter into a million differently shaped pieces. This was not what you wanted but a by-product of your choices.

No matter how you phrased it, no carefully thought-through planned statement could have stopped the blunt force of agony that swiftly followed. It was a hard pill to swallow but you couldn’t skirt around what this was. This was the end of the road when hearts got broken, where feelings were pushed out of the way for the cold harsh light of day. This was a break-up, one that had been long coming. You had heard the deafening sirens in the distance but ignored them for as long as possible. You had truly wanted this to work, you had clung to the notion that they were it, your endgame. 

This was failure plain and simple, no matter how it was presented even neatly with a bow tied on top. This attempt at an unconventional relationship, a throuple had crashed and burnt in a way that you hadn’t given a second thought to. Yet here you were with an increasingly despondent Bobby. Athena had held steadfast to her Second Amendment rights, falling silent and staring anywhere else in the room to avoid your gaze.

You felt as if you had been caught with your hand in a cookie jar when you had been told no treats before dinner. At this moment, shame and guilt were the most prevalent emotions but shades of regret and the anguish of waking up alone tomorrow were starting to manifest, mixing in. The weight of this new dawn was unlike what you had experienced before. You had navigated through both messy and amicable breaks before but this felt on another level.

This would be a whole new scenario to manoeuvre through, the various twists and turns that encompassed the maze that you standing in with walls that stretched as far as the eye could see. Your reality had somewhat shifted, changing the illusionary location rapidly. In a blink of an eye, the interrogation room melted away. This was what your mind replaced it with. An inescapable maze of your own design, that you rushed through but constantly failed to find the correct path that would lead you out.

This was your anticipated worst-case scenario in one way yet things were not playing out as you initially imagined. It was a hell of a lot worse, than anything that your twisted mind would conjure up. You should feel relieved as the pressure on your chest was finally released as you spoke what had been lingering in the back of your mind. However, that dejected look in Athena’s eyes stung more than you ever thought it might as if that knife you used to cut the thread connecting you to them had been turned around and wrapped itself around your damaged heart.

It twisted left then right, damaging just enough with each turn to leave a permanent mark behind. A reminder whenever you found yourself alone with your thoughts. There it would be, a figurative wound, raw and never truly closing for all your days to come. A fractured heart, aching to be healed but the missing piece could never be reclaimed. This was the price too high that would be paid here and now. The piper was calling and this was your reply.

What else was there to be said? The ball was in their court, you just needed to be patient and wait to see what happened next. Bobby Nash, Fire Captain of Firehouse 118 stood off to one side contemplating how small his world had just become. In a few short minutes, his happy little world had frozen over as feelings of failure, inadequacy, confusion and grief overtook his peripheral vision. Sliding over him like the visor clicking down on his helmet. 

This felt like a step to the side, not a step backwards into the darkness. He wasn’t alone in his despair this time. He had a partner along for the ride, sharing the load as he felt Athena slide along before placing her hand into his. An act of comfort, this was what he needed. Tears would come but not quite yet. He had cried enough for more than one lifetime. Athena barely contained the sorrow as it quelled beneath her simmering fury. 

The storm had come and gone, brushed aside in the heat of the moment. A numbness soon followed, settling over the two of them as they took their first steps back into the world, their hearts bruised and cracked but holding firm. Knitting the threads that held them together tighter than before. This had tested them, pushing them to the edge, only to pull them back again. 

One where things hadn’t worked out when they tried taking a different path, by inviting one another in and opening up their cosy relationship. It had been one hell of a ride, where flames of passion smouldered. Ultimately the spark dimmed as that once fierce blaze cooled until three had disappeared right back to where it had been in the beginning, just the two of them. Where a couple stood on by, watching as their third left. 

Had the right person stumbled in at the wrong time? This bizarre thought dared to cross his mind. Maybe this was simply poor timing and ill-planning. He had nothing but time to run through all the questions, the what-ifs and the rabbit holes that it might lead him down. Athena would be there to set him straight when he’d evitable delve too far into the depths of his mind, becoming lost in the dark. She would be the light to emulate the path hidden from his sight.

This was both an end and a new beginning. It would be an uphill battle, only this time he would have someone else along for the journey. “This was never the plan when Athena and I opened up our relationship, to invite you in for a time and then to push you right back out into the cold” He started as he worked through his thoughts, trying to vocalize his rapidly shifting feelings. 

He was everything all at once. A perfect storm locked away in a glass flask but the fierce winds were steadily calming. Athena was another story together as she had remained tight-lipped. All her words were locked away in a vault, under lock and key. There was no doubt that she would make one hell of a poker player, as she masked through each time she bluffed about the cards in her hand. Winning round after round with ease. Burning holes in various pockets and wallets like a seasoned pro. This was different, this was her vanishing beneath her mask and simply walking away.

Storm Athena had vanished in a blink of an eye but was it for the better? That would be the question you would be battling with in the days to come. Overanalyzing all the little details of this moment, trying to find sense and logic in her actions. Trying to almost read what was happening within, to hear those precious few thoughts that indicated her next play, the steps that she would inevitably take.

Would things ever be amicable? You hoped that would be the case in time but that’s all you could do. Hope that the day would crest over the horizon sooner rather than later but you wouldn’t push. They deserved all the time in the world as the walls sheltering their little piece of paradise began to rebuild. As their battered and bruised hearts started on the next stage of their healing journey without you. This was how it needed to be. Athena, I know that you don’t want to talk to me. Hell, I don’t expect you to even respond or read this but please know that I never meant to hurt you or Bobby. I saw the door start to close and simply reacted. 

I should have tried harder to reach out, to be heard but we are long since past that. I don’t know if I’ll be back this way but please know that I did cherish the time that I was there, standing toe to toe with you and Bobby. I would never want to stand in the way, have that loving affection turn sour and embittered by the very experience of having a front-row seat to a show that slowly capsizing.  

You deserve better than this, you both do. The dear John letter was a stupid and careless idea that I never thought all the way through but please know that I will never freeze out the lines of communication if you ever think of me and want to reach out for that long overdue talk. I will say this one last thing, 

I did deeply care about the pair of you, you meant the world to me but this was not our time. This was not ours but it is yours and Bobby’s. I saw that secret smile whenever you locked eyes with him and vice versa. A love story in motion but I was grateful to have been a part of it. I wish you nothing but all the happiness in the world for all that is to come. 

Clicking send hadn’t been the hardest part, as you sat in the back row of the Grey Hound bus heading out of town. The hospital had arranged transport to the bus station then the rest had been up to you. Your one-way ticket was tucked firmly between the pages of the cheesy romance book you had picked up in the little shop at the hospital on your way out. Something to keep your mind preoccupied for the long hours ahead. 

You had let yourself chuckle softly when you had first pulled it out of your bag. You hadn’t even checked the title when choosing between the limited range and selection staring up from the shelves. there had been a grand total of three different books to choose from, you had split down the middle and just gone for door room two which had turned out to be the only romance-heavy option. It was truly karma in action, a borderline cruel reminder of what once had been yours. 

An epic love for ages, well it might have been if the fire hadn’t been blown out. You had been one to finish off those embers, never once giving them a chance to reignite. Now as you sat staring out of the window watching the world rush past. A sense of conflicted peace rolled over. This was a new beginning, a chapter closing as you started on a new adventure into pastures unknown.

Whether the grass was greener on the other side, you’d soon find out as the bus turned the corner and headed out onto the freeway. You had crossed the point of no return more than once in the last few hours. Or so it felt but there was no point in looking backwards, no matter how much it hurt to admit.

Silently you muttered a single word, finally cutting the tattered remains of the thread that held you in place.

Goodbye

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a rollercoaster of ups and downs in the years since you had last dared to step foot in Los Angeles. Both professionally and personally. You pushed any thoughts of those failed relationships and the dead-end jobs that landed at your feet when you had struggled to begin again. 

Home had found you when an unmissable job opportunity crossed your desk one fine day, three months back. It was almost impossible to stop your fingers from typing up and updating your resume. Before you had known it, you had completed the application and clicked the send button launching into the depths of the electronic superhighway that was the internet. Regret did not follow in its wake. You had anticipated some awkwardness resonating within you but nothing occurred.

You had expected nothing to come from it, it was a shot in the dark. Yes, you had the skills and the experience in a similar field but would that be enough? As you worked your socks off day in and day out, you had pretty much forgotten about that one particular job application sent three weeks prior. 

You had long since concluded that if you hadn’t heard by now then you were highly unlikely to hear anything at all. You pushed forward with the daily grind. Going to work and then back home. Rinse, lather and repeat. 

Until that one notification last thing on Friday night shook things up. An interview came and went before a second dropped in and then a third soon followed after. Before long an offer of another job, a chance to spread your wings and take flight back to the City of Angels manifested. All that you needed to do was simply say yes, well that and find a place to set up shop. Apartment hunting pre-pandemic was hard enough but this was a whole new ball game. Virtual viewings were the done thing in the post-pandemic world.

Viewing a possible home through the screen of any available device, a tour at your fingertips allowed you to go from room to room as you tried to ascertain whether this one, the third tour of the day was the one. Whether it met all your basic requirements. Was it too far from your base of operations? Was it located in a reasonable neighbourhood? Were there good transportation links into the city itself?

Question after question arose as you continued to scroll into the next room. This seemed a lot harder than all the times before when you had needed to go apartment hunting. It was turning into a headache, they all could easily be made to look rather bigger with the click of a well-positioned camera lens. 

As text came through lighting up your phone screen, you paused the video for a moment. The name displayed above the message knocked you for six. You hesitated opening it, for it could easily go one or two ways. At this moment in time, you were solely existing in Schrödinger's cat type of scenario.

It could both be a harmless conversation starter, cracking open what once had been slammed shut or yet it could be something that held steadfast to the notion of flogging a dead horse. Or it be both at the same time but until you dared to look inside that box, you wouldn’t know. Without a second more to mull it over, you clicked upon it. You held your breath as the message revealed itself to your increasingly growing anxiety that bubbled within.

After all this time, Athena responded and replied to the mammoth message you sent way back when. Your olive branch to do right by her, to have the chance to sit down and talk like adults. To see if it was truly possible to let sleeping dogs lie and move forward as friends. You hated the idea of completely burning that bridge and cutting her and Bobby out of your life because of the mistakes that had been made. There had been the building blocks for a stable foundation which you have decided had been breaking apart at the seams.

In the time since then, you had searched through every avenue of what had been. Through rose-tinted glasses, you had viewed the long hours, the lapses in replies and the never-ending chain of cancellations and rearranged dates in haste. They were a part of the daily ups and downs when dating two first responders. You had acted with the emotional range of a moody teenager. You hadn’t taken the time to consider what it meant for them, who you were at the end of the day.

You were meant to be their safe harbour, away from the multiple emergencies that lingered on the other side of that door. When it closed, you could have their light in the dark leading through the long nights. Instead of being the salve to heal their wounds, you had ripped them wide out, tearing out their hearts, watching as they bled at your feet when you had penned that letter without even giving either of them a second thought.

It had all been about you. You had changed and grown as a person since then learning more about how to navigate a relationship. The many twists and turns that came and went day in and day out and learning from your past indiscretion. When it came to communication, it truly did lay at the heart of every relationship. Looking back, it hadn’t been your finest hour, the last time you were even in the state. You had run away, with your tail tucked firmly between your legs. Across several state lines until you found yourself darkening your brother’s door. He had been expecting you. 

Only a few weeks later than initially planned. You had kept him updated from your hospital bed, your ear red raw from his worried rants, stuck on repeat like a broken record. Each time you called, he softened his tone and inclination and by the time you arrived. The once bare-to-the-bone wire-like threads that had once connected you had begun to heal, deepened as that proud man opened his heart and mind to welcome home the sibling that had been pushed away. It had been a challenging climb but he had been by your side, walking in tandem.  He had grown as a man, a brother and a human being. 

One relationship had flourished, whilst another faded away. However this message, oh how it made your heart skip a beat. Anxious laden but still hope began to flutter its paper-thin wings as it flicked back to life.

I will not deny that your actions hurt, not only me but Bobby too. It has taken me years to come to terms with how things went down. I’m ready to talk, understand and move forward then we can go from there. 

It had been frank and straight to the point like the woman behind those words but it was a chance. One that you won’t waste this go around. It was hard not to smile, to fight back those feelings that you long since buried. Soon enough those dreaded butterflies would take up residence within your stomach but you won’t let them consume you. This was a fresh start, not a blank slate. 

Athena, thank you for this. Let me know when you are free to speak. I am ready to answer all the questions you have. I’m sure that there are plenty, I will be nothing short of completely honest with you

You watched the screen, waiting for those two little ticks to appear. The sign that the message had been delivered then you’d have to kill time until the colour changed from grey to blue showing that Athena had read your message. You placed your phone down as you couldn’t be glued to that device like a lovesick fool. The ball was now in her court now. 

When the message arrived, it was simple. A date and time staring up at you. A question then arose in the back of your mind, who would be the one to initiate the phone call in question? However, before you could even type out a response, another message appeared. She would be the one to call you. It felt damn near bizarre finding yourself in a situation such as this. However, you’d pushed on through, if it meant salvaging a relationship from the burnt-out wreckage. Even if it would be nothing but wholly platonic in the long run.

As you typed out a quick reply, you smiled softly feeling happier than you had in months, as a renewed sense of peace washed over you as you made your way out of the room. A list as long as your arm began to form in your mind of all the possible questions that might soon be coming your way. 

“It’s a start. It's the best that I could have hoped for” You softly repeat like a mantra as you consider the next steps. Whatever they might be. The bounce in your step would come in time but still, each stride no longer felt like you were walking in treacle. Weighed down by the guilt that you had long since carried upon your shoulders. 

Peace was just the beginning if things truly went well. This was only the first of hopefully many steps upon this new trail off the beaten path. 

New memories were to be made, once you had truly arrived but you knew that shouldn’t get ahead of yourself. One foot in front of the other, never pushing forward unless the opportunity presented itself. You finally could let go of that aching sense of guilt that hung deftly around your neck. The hangman’s noose tightened of its own accord through the day, worsening when you were lying alone at night, clock-watching until sleep overtook you. 

Pushing away the persistent thought of what if, what if you could go back and change the order that events had played out. You simply couldn’t but it was in the past, finally buried when Athena knew the reasoning behind your actions. The why, the how and the emotions that drove your hand when drawing the next card from the deck of life. 

When you drew the next one, it would be the one that changed your tomorrow. There'd be a bright light that you’d lovingly strive to keep joyfully humming in all the days that were to come. Through the many ups and downs as you rode through the hard and trying times, through the days when the sun shone brightest as if it was only illuminated for you and the ones you loved.

The hours seemed to rush past waiting for the sun to slip beneath the horizon. As day seamlessly melted away, the night took hold. You stood silent as a mouse, staring out at the night sky smiling to yourself as innocent enough thoughts overtook as you pictured a new dawn. This was only the beginning, to gain Athena’s forgiveness, trust and friendship was a road that needed to be walked. A journey that you had started, crossing the threshold when you had held out an olive branch.

You had gained ground but that conversation was all that mattered. You wanted to make good on your promise. Tomorrow was now more than just another day, one to toil through the hours until it was time to head home. Athena then maybe one day you could bring yourself to face Bobby.

“Nice to see you too.” He grins as he shuts the door behind him.

“Hi. Yes. Please kill it. I feel like it’s staring at me.” You huff, arms crossed as you stand on couch and stare at the quarter sized spider in the middle of your floor.

Buck takes his shoe off before creeping towards the spider and slamming the shoe on it. You squeal at the sound and watch as Buck dutifully grabs a paper towel to dispose of the remains because he knows even dead they freak you out.

You jump off the couch with a sigh, “Thank you, it was horrible.”

“No problem! Do I get my usual reward?” Buck grins.

“Mhmm, Can you wait like 30 minutes? It’s in the oven.” You ask as you head back to the kitchen.

“30 minutes? Damn, that’s a long time. Can’t you time your spider emergency and dinner better?” Buck teases, taking a seat at the counter.

“I’m sorry, next time I’ll plan accordingly.” You tease back, your eyes rolling.

This is how it always worked with you and Buck. He killed your bugs and fixed leaks or broken furniture and then you made him dinner. It didn’t go much further than this. These were the only times you guys hung out. Saying hello to each other in the halls and only texting for emergencies.

You knew a little about him, about his job and friends and ex’s. No current girlfriend which shocked you because you hadn’t failed to notice his beautiful face. He knew a little about you job and hobbies and ex’s as well.

To be honest you were kinda into him but you last boyfriend royally fucked you up and you weren’t sure if you were up to it again. He still hadn’t returned any of your things that you had left at his place and it had been 6 months.

“How are things going with the asshole?” Buck asks as you place his food in front of him.

“Ugh. Fine. For now. He finally agreed to meet me and give my shit back.” You lean against the counter and take a bite of your dinner.

“Need me to come as backup?” He asks , eyebrow raised. God he’s hot. It’s not fair.

“No, it’s fine. You’ll only back it worse.” You laugh. You’re picturing Buck showing up with you and your ex throwing a fit about you with a guy.

“Ok, well if you need me you know where I live.” He grins and you giggle. God he’s cute. Sometimes you wondered if you should just let yourself fall for him.

——————

Things couldn’t have gone worse. You had a horrible day at work and then when you got to the meeting place to get your stuff back he wasn’t there. He was an hour late and when he got there he handed you a box with a bunch of destroyed shit. Only a handful of it was probably salvageable.

Then when you asked him what the fuck he did he started berating you. Telling you it was your fault, telling you that you should’ve gotten it sooner. Telling you that he never loved you and he had the chance to cheat but he didn’t because he was too embarrassed for you. You knew none of this was his fault but just like you did when you were in a relationship with him you started to fall for his gaslighting.

You left the elevator with the box in hand and dropped it in front of your door as you fumbled for your keys. When they slipped from your hand you finally lost it. You leaned your forehead against your door and just started sobbing.

You don’t think you could even bother to be embarrassed with how shitty you feel but you’re sure you’ll feel it later.

“Y/n? What’s wrong?” Buck’s voice sounds from behind you.

Ok maybe you could be embarrassed.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it, just dropped my keys.” You mumble and lean down to pick your keys up and quickly unlocked your door, kicking the box inside and hoping Buck doesn’t notice it.

“Did you go and get your stuff today? Did something happen?” Buck follows you despite your shut down and you don’t even care. You find yourself spilling all the details to him. He shuts your door and guides you to the couch as you sob and tell him everything.

He gently guides you into his arms and you can’t believe how good it feels. He’s warm and welcoming and his arms are so strong and you can’t stop yourself from nuzzling into his shirt as you hiccup.

“He’s an asshole. None of this is your fault he’s just a dick. He never deserved you.” He soothes and rubs a hand over your back.

You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, just crying in silence as Buck held you.

“It’s not even like I’m upset about the relationship. I’m so happy I’m not with him and can find someone good. I’m just pissed and when I get pissed I cry.” You complain once you’ve finished crying.

“You’re totally fine.” Buck laughs gently, his hand still absentmindedly rubbing on your back. He’s staring into your eyes so intensely and you just can’t look away.

“Buck?” You ask gently.

“Ya, sorry. You’re just…..one of the most incredible women I’ve ever met and it sucks that this asshole didn’t appreciate you the way he should’ve.” He looks so serious as he tucks a piece of hair behind your ear.

You take in a sharp breath as his face moves closer to you.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispers, his warm breath fanning across your face.

“Please do.” You murmur. As soon as the words are out of your mouth, his lips are on yours. His kiss is gentle and sweet and then it’s more. Passionate and his tongue slipping into your mouth. The two of you pull away to catch your breath and Buck is grinning like an idiot.

“God you kiss like an angel.” Buck murmurs, “I bet there are lots of ways he wasn’t treating you well.”

You can feel your face heating up as his hand trailing over the hem of your shirt, realizing exactly what he means.

“No need to get embarrassed.” Buck smirks, “You can tell me, did he eat your pussy like you deserve?”

You shake your head slowly, “No, he would go for like 5 minutes and then say his jaw was getting tired and I’d fake an orgasm because I felt bad.”

Buck launches himself at you again and kisses you hungrily. It’s all tongues and teeth as he pulls you into his lap, his hands holding your back.

“Can I change that for you? Show you what you deserve?” He murmurs, his lips not leaving yours.

“Please.” You gasp as he lifts you up.

“Gonna take such good care of you.” Buck smiles as he places you gently on your bed and pulls his shirt off.

If there were any thoughts of your ex left they were definitely gone now. Buck’s chest was amazing, the tattoos and the just a little bit of a tummy with those abs. You feel like you’re probably drooling but you can’t be bothered when he’s coming towards you. His lips back on yours as he presses you to your mattress.

“This is ok, right?” Buck mumbles against you, hand playing with your shirt as if determines if he should take it off or not.

“Yes. Absolutely. This is…..something I’ve wanted for a whole.” You whisper, slightly embarrassed.

Buck let’s out a load groan as he pulls your shirt off, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this too.”

Before you know it the both of you are naked and Buck is settled between your legs.

He kisses along your thighs gently, occasionally placing little nips along them as he drags his nose over your exposed cunt.

“You’re so damn beautiful.” Buck murmurs, his breath fanning over you.

“Buck please.” You groan, hips lifting slightly to try and tempt Buck to get started.

“I’m getting to it, sweetheart, don’t worry. I’m gonna take such good care of you.” He runs his hands over your hips before getting closer to you and licking gently.

You let out a gasp of breath as he keeps licking you gently, hands tightening on your hips as you start to buck them. He holds you and tastes like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted and it makes your head spin. It’s been a long time since someone touched you like this and you had almost forgotten how amazing it feels.

As your breathing increases and you start panting he goes a little faster, presses his tongue against you a little harder. He drags his tongue across your slit, gathering your slick and rubbing it over your clit. Gently massaging the bundle of nerves with his tongue as he peers up at you through his eyelashes. He lets out a moan against you that you can feel vibrating against every inch of your pussy and you toss your head back.

“Holy fuck…..I’m gonna……gonna cum. Buck, please. Don’t stop.” You let out panting breathes as Buck pulls away for a moment.

“Don’t hold back, grind on my face, use me to help.” He instructs, his chin glistening with your wetness before he dives back in.

You can’t believe how hot that statement is as his tongue presses flat against your clit. You grind your hips against his face subtly at first but when you pulls you closer by your thighs you start going hard. Practically humping his face as his tongue flicks across you.

It doesn’t take long for you to be coming undone on his tongue. Your eyes rolling back as your grip at his small curls as he keeps feasting on you. He doesn’t pull away until he’s sure you’re throughly fucked, his tongue licking the excess off of his face.

“You taste so good.” Buck smiles as he comes up to lay next to you, “Did you feel good?”

“I felt fucking amazing.” You giggle and lean up and kiss Buck, tasting yourself on him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard in my life.” Buck laughs as he pulls you back to the mattress.

“Can I?” You lean over and reach towards his belt but he catches your hand and shakes his head.

“Not right now, tonight was about making you feel good.” Buck smiles and strokes your cheek, “We’ll have plenty of time for everything else…..if you’re ok with that.”

All you’d had time for this morning was a quick shower before shuffling into your scrubs. You would be cutting it close as Buck’s apartment was further than from your place, but spending the night with him was always worth the impending rush.

The sweet smell of coffee and cinnamon rolls swirled in the air as you entered the kitchen, a smile crossing your face at the sight of your handsome boyfriend taking fresh pastries out of the oven. 

You let your eyes linger for a second on him, taking in his neatly ironed navy uniform that fit him just right. It wasn’t something you were used to, someone up early with you cooking breakfast and happy to see you.

“Morning baby,” you called out, walking over and wrapping your arms around his torso from behind. 

“Morning darling,” Buck replied, happily as he placed the tray atop the oven before placing his hands over yours and squeezing gently. “I was just about to go make sure you were up. Sleep well?”

“Not really, someone kept me up all night,” you teased, leaning up to place a kiss on the side of his neck.

Buck chuckled at that, a cheeky grin on your face as he turned around in your embrace as he said, “Hmm, did they give you a good time at least?”

You purse your lips, pretending to think about it for a second. 

“Amazing actually. I’m hoping tonight is just the same.”

“Oh trust me it will be, or maybe even better,” he promised, his voice full of love and lust.

You both smiled as your lips met in a sweet passionate kiss, your love for each other all-consuming.

A few minutes passed off the two of you standing in others arms, kissing and being sweet to each other before you remembered you needed to be out the door already.

“Shit, sorry, I’m going to be late if I don’t go now,” you swore, pulling away from him a bit and glancing at the clock on the stove.

“All good sweetheart, but at least take a cinnamon bun before you go,” Buck said as he let you go and turned back to the tray of pastries. 

He grabbed one and wrapped it in a paper towel quickly before handing it to you and placing one final kiss on your forehead.

Adoration and fondness at his sweet actions swirled in you as you took it and before you knew it, three little words were spilling out of you.

“I love you.”

The meaningful phrase, though something you and Buck had yet to say to each other, was subconscious. 

You hadn’t been able to help it though, as truth be told you’d wanted to say it for quite a while and so it just happened.

It took you a second longer than your now frozen boyfriend to realize what you’d said, and as your eyes met, you gasped.

“Oh — I didn’t mean to say that, well I did mean it, but that wasn’t exactly how I wanted to tell you, though I did want to, I mean…” You trailed off, stumbling over your own words as you frantically thought of what to do and what he must be thinking.

What if he didn’t want to say it back? What if you’d just ruined things? God, this was the happiest relationship of your life, you even suspected he might be the one, and here you were dropping the ‘I love you’ bomb at six in the morning.

Thankfully, before your thoughts can really get away from you, Buck chooses this moment to speak up, repeating your confession back to you, “I love you too, ___,” he confirmed sweetly.

Heartbeat increasing immediately, your cheeks flushed, mouth going too dry to reply.

He loved you. Evan Buckley loved you.

“Now, we should probably talk about this, but you really have to go babe, and so do I,” Buck chuckled easily, happiness evident on his own features. “See you tonight.”

“Tonight,” you somehow managed to get out, before your body, moving on autopilot directed you out of the kitchen and towards the door.

The rest of the day seemed to blur by until it was finally time to clock out and see your lover, the only thought on your mind the resounding fact that you and Buck loved each other.

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