Kay, She/Her, 30. INFJ. 1w9 or 9w1. Diagnosed ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Mental health advocate, wannabe social science academic, and poser philosopher. General Content Warnings: Discussion of mental health, disabilities, social issues, and various related topics. Disclaimers: I do my very best to post sensitively and responsibly. I recognize the power and impact of words. I also believe strongly in both freedom of speech and freedom of thought. A lot of what I post can be considered equivalent to āthinking out loudā and, while I have an unfortunate habit of having my tone or phrasing come across as misleadingly authoritative or decisive, my beliefs or opinions are rarely fixed or closed to change & growth. I enjoy questioning & exploring controversial ideas (like ādo trans women benefit from male privilege?ā) and challenging quasi-universal assumptions (like āis democracy truly the best system of government?ā) That means, like most people with ADHD, I have plenty of experience putting my foot in my mouth and unintentionally causing hurt and offense. My ADHD is not and never will be used as an excuse or āfree passā for this. All Iām asking is that you read anything I post with the belief that Iām coming from a place of good intentions. And I apologize in advance for the times if and when - through ignorance or impulsive lack of thought - those intentions fall short.
I am beyond offended and disgusted by the fact that Deja Taylor is blaming her sonās ADHD for the shooting at Richneck Elementary / using it as an excuse.
So much for her ātaking responsibilityā. š
A six year old should never have had access to a gun.
Period.
And victim-blaming Abby Zwerner (the teacher he tried to kill - yes, he reportedly said at the time, āI did itā¦ I shot the b*tch deadā) because āhe felt ignoredā is bullsh*t.
Even Special Education teachers (of whom, Zwerner is not by any account I read) cannot prioritize one studentās needs over the needs of the other 18+ kids in the class.
His IEP (preliminary IEP? Nobody actually referred to it as an IEP but thatās what it should be if the accommodations were formalized) at the time specified that he would be accompanied by one of his parents at school. The school reportedly decided that he was making enough progress that was no longer necessary.
Obviously, it was (or some other arrangement - like phasing out or tapering - needed to be made). Because a child who is used to having an adultās constant, full attention is going to feel ignored when he starts receiving only the same amount of adult attention as the other students (or even somewhat more!) if itās still less than what heās used to.
Oh. And a big F*%K YOU to the school district, Newport News Public Schools, that wants Zwernerās lawsuit to be dismissed because itās a āworkerās compā situation.
I didnāt realize that weāre so desensitized to school shootings that a teacher getting shot by a student is now a workerās comp claim. š¤¬
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Adjectives and phrases to use instead of the āstrongā in āstrong womenā
(āstrong female charactersā/āstrong female role modelsā, etc.)
Well-developed or well-written
Realistic, three-dimensional, nuanced
The specific traits or characteristic(s) youāre referring to: assertive, confident, independent, intense, etc.
Itās okay to use āstrongā. Just have it actually mean strong (as in physical strength).
Also:
I havenāt spent the time (yet) to really think these phrases through and decide if they are really problematic but I felt they were worth mentioning and offering some alternatives:
āMentally strong/mental strengthā can be reworded into āmental or emotional resiliencyā
A āstrong personalityā can be rephrased as a āintense/overwhelming/intimidating/unapologetic/etc. personalityā
Basically - we tend to use the word āstrongā as we do the word āstuffā. Challenge yourself to be more specific. The English language (for all of its flaws and borderline ridiculousness) has a wealth of adjectives beyond āstrongā.
BUT ā¦the phrase āstrong womenā is inherently misogynistic (unless weāre talking about women who are literally strong, as in muscled).
Because what are we really saying when we praise portrayals of āstrong womenā?
Weāre implying that women who are not/do not act like these āstrong womenā are weak.
As an article in Elle (linked below) says,
Letās take a simple example, a significant other calls you āspecialā because youāre different from the other girls. If āyouāre not like other girlsā is a compliment, what does it say about āother girls?ā
And letās think about what characteristics weāre praising here. Usually - independence, self-sufficiency, assertiveness, confidence, athletic/physical ability, competitiveness, logical understanding/ability, etc.
Guess what? All of those traits are traditionally coded āmasculineā traits. And what does that signify?
That women have to act like men in order to be praised and respected. That our worth as human beings is determined by our ability to āmeasure upā or to ākeep upā with men. With the underlying assessment that we are naturally beneath or behind men.
The worst part? This one is on us (women) and our own internalized misogyny.
Went down the rabbit hole and spent 2-3 hours reading what Wikipedia and the Internet has to say about Scientology.
On a purely academic side, lots of it brought back memories of my Religion & Secularism class in college. (What defines a religion? How do we reconcile the concepts of religious freedom, secularism, and plurality when they come into conflict? How do we respect and avoid discriminating against other religions that are not the majority/dominant religion when the value system and culture of said religion is inextricably embedded in secular culture in our society?)
I know, I know. Iām a wannabe academic & poser philosopher and nobody cares. Iām simultaneously ranting and failing to get to point. Blah. Blah. Blah.
HOWEVER
I couldnāt help but see this potential link:
Scientologyās increasing social and economic power in the ā80s and ā90s and their āwarā on psychiatry/psychotherapy, particularly psychoactive medications.
+
The spread of mis/disinformation about ADHD and ADHD treatments (particularly stimulant medications).
Or: Iām just entertaining ideas of conspiracy theories here š¤·āāļøšš¤£
Okay, WTF is up with these āactually ADHD/OCD/etc.ā tags???
Trust me, I get the defensiveness. The idea of someone who isnāt disadvantaged pretending to be in order to have access to tools/accommodations/etc that they donāt need is infuriating.
I will happily rant about the people without ADHD who take ADHD meds as āstudy drugsā. And despite my best efforts to be understanding towards the small percentage of people with ADHD who sell their prescriptions, I canāt help but resent how their actions negatively impact the rest of us.
And is it annoying when people say stupid shit like using the disordersā names like adjectives? (āIām so ADHD todayā)
Yes.
Is it annoying when people - both those with and without the disabilities in question - perpetuate harmful or just plain irritating stereotypes?
Yes. (Like, seriously guys, can we stop using variations of the āHey, look, a squirrel!ā when trying to explain our executive functioning to non-ADHDers? Please?!)
Do any of us have the right to decide here on Tumblr who does or doesnāt āactuallyā have that lived experience?
Hell no.
After all, who the hell am I to tell you that you donāt āactually have _________ā?!
Think about how you would feel if someone told you that you donāt āreallyā have _____ as if ______ is a club that youāre not cool enough to join.
Just because youāre not speaking to them face to face doesnāt mean that the post wasnāt written by another real, living, breathing, feeling human being.
Be kind.
Edit:Ā
Thank you for the feedback in the comments. Iām a sporadic Tumblr user so I havenāt been able to witness the changes/growth in the online communities in the same way as a consistent, frequent user.Ā Ā
So your comments have definitely helped me understand the use of the āactually tagsā better. I do appreciate how and why we would want the ability to filter out posts that are not the kind that weāre looking for.Ā
I remember how frustrated and hurt and betrayed I felt after reading a piece that ADDitude had posted on Facebook several years ago written by a woman listing all of the frustrations she had with her husband with ADHD. Even worse, the comments had become a place for everyone and their dog to bitch about the people in their lives with ADHD.Ā
Were the feelings behind the venting - disappointment, confusion, frustration, resentment, hurt, exhaustion, mortification, etc. - all real and valid?Ā
Yes.Ā
Do I want her and others like her to have resources and support that help them better understand and communicate with us?Ā
Totally.Ā
Did ADDitude make it clear that they prioritized the lived experience of friends/family/teachers/etc. over those of us with ADHD by failing to manage and organize their content in a way that supports both audiences?Ā
Absolutely.
I canāt count the number of times that Iāve shared that I have ADHD with someone and been told some variation ofĀ āReally? I would never have guessed/known.āĀ Ā
As if I should be proud of ābeing ableā to pass.Ā Or, worse, that they doubt IĀ āactuallyā have ADHD because I donāt look or act like what they think ADHD looks or acts like.
We live our lives with people constantly questioning our diagnoses & abilities, our experiences, and our feelings. So I just wish and wonder if we could have found a better tag thanĀ āactually ______.āĀ
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Never have I ever used 10 words when I could use 100 words.
Really. Iām just trying to be helpful.
And honest. And accurate. And avoid stepping on any toes or hurting anyoneās feelings.
So maybe I have a little issue with that whole āsalient informationā thing. But how am I to know which details other people donāt find important?!?
I was rereading chapters from this book when this passage got my attention - specifically the part about the emotional impact of being told that youāre unable to provide care for another person or animal.
I am a young woman in my 20s with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety.
On the good days, I make fun of my failure to keep a succulent alive in a terrarium. (Seriously, I thought the things were supposed be kill-proof. Apparently not. Whoops.)
On the bad days and even on the average ones, I can be plagued with doubts and negative self-talk. I wonder how I could ever possibly have & look after a child when Iām still fighting an uphill - and often losing - battle to submit the refill requests for my prescriptions in time to get the new ones before the old ones run out. To keep my personal paperwork in some form of a filing system rather than a stack that slowly grows until the next time I get around to a purge of accumulated, no-longer-needed stuff. To vacuum and dust and even to brush & floss my teeth twice a day.
On those days, I have to stop and remind myself:
Progress is not linear. Progress is up, down, sideways, diagonally; backflips, cartwheels, and belly flops. Those belly flops hurt.
If something isnāt working - itās not working. Try something else. Be the Edison of your ADHD and find the 1000 ways that donāt work for you.
But whatever the hell else you do when you cartwheel into a belly flop -
And because Iām me and I agonize/ruminate over things Iāve said and whether I could have said them better, I want to add one crucial piece I feel like I missed in my original post.
Self-compassion.
Part of the progress Iām talking about is learning and accepting that we donāt have to try so hard all the time. That we shouldnāt measure ourselves against non-ADHD standards for success and achievements.
A lot of the time, we are the fish or the penguin or the elephant thatās just been told to climb a tree. And that our worth as human beings is dependent on our ability to climb that tree.
Itās not. Our worth as human beings is not conditional on anything. It just is.
Itās okay to not be their version of āperfectā. And itās okay to be okay with that.
This way - when we choose to work on improving our punctuality, or not procrastinating, or any of our other struggles - weāre doing it for the right reason:
Ourselves. Our own happiness and well-being.
Not because of what or how the world has told us we āshouldā be.
I was rereading chapters from this book when this passage got my attention - specifically the part about the emotional impact of being told that youāre unable to provide care for another person or animal.
I am a young woman in my 20s with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety.
On the good days, I make fun of my failure to keep a succulent alive in a terrarium. (Seriously, I thought the things were supposed be kill-proof. Apparently not. Whoops.)
On the bad days and even on the average ones, I can be plagued with doubts and negative self-talk. I wonder how I could ever possibly have & look after a child when Iām still fighting an uphill - and often losing - battle to submit the refill requests for my prescriptions in time to get the new ones before the old ones run out. To keep my personal paperwork in some form of a filing system rather than a stack that slowly grows until the next time I get around to a purge of accumulated, no-longer-needed stuff. To vacuum and dust and even to brush & floss my teeth twice a day.
On those days, I have to stop and remind myself:
Progress is not linear. Progress is up, down, sideways, diagonally; backflips, cartwheels, and belly flops. Those belly flops hurt.
If something isnāt working - itās not working. Try something else. Be the Edison of your ADHD and find the 1000 ways that donāt work for you.
But whatever the hell else you do when you cartwheel into a belly flop -
Is ADHD one of the results of human development, economic success, and freedom? Is it essentially the result of ever-increasing lifespans that pressure and strain our capacity to engage in ālong-term planningā and ādelayed gratificationā? Of overly-complex societies where onesā worth as a member of the society is based, not on oneās ability to work to live, but rather onesā ability to live to work? Is what we know and refer to as ADHD merely the percentage of our population whose brains/biology struggle the most with amount of choices, decisions, and information that weāre being asked to process on a daily basis?
In an attempt to avoid any hurt feelings or misunderstandings
ADHD is real. Your struggles and feelings are real. The intention of this post is not to devalue or trivialize or question that.
As a community, we typically talk about ADHD within the frameworks of psychology, psychiatry, and neuroscience - frameworks that focus on human biology and experience on the individual-level.
This is me thinking out loud about my own lived experience with ADHD and how it could be understood through frameworks that focus on culture and our experience as societies and as a species.
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Is ADHD one of the results of human development, economic success, and freedom? Is it essentially the result of ever-increasing lifespans that pressure and strain our capacity to engage in ālong-term planningā and ādelayed gratificationā? Of overly-complex societies where onesā worth as a member of the society is based, not on oneās ability to work to live, but rather onesā ability to live to work? Is what we know and refer to as ADHD merely the percentage of our population whose brains/biology struggle the most with amount of choices, decisions, and information that weāre being asked to process on a daily basis?
The decision to go to psychotherapy can be terrifying - especially if itās your first time and youāve only ever seen/read about therapy in movies or books.
Hereās 5 things you should know.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychotherapist, counselor, or medical professional. The following advice is shared from the perspective/background of a peer; as someone who has been in therapy on-and-off since I was 15. None of the following advice should be taken in lieu of advice by the actual aforementioned professionals.
1. Itās okay to need help. Itās okay to ask for it.
2. Psychotherapy is like physiotherapy - at times (especially in the beginning) it will leave you feeling exhausted, drained, and raw. But it will help you become a stronger, healthier person.
3. Healing is a process. Improving your mental health is a process. That process is not always linear.
4. Your therapist is your therapist - not a best friend, family member, or someone to have a romantic and/or physical relationship with.
This can be tough to keep straight in our heads because therapy requires a certain amount of emotional availability and vulnerability that we donāt typically allow outside of those types of relationships. If you have questions or concerns about that - bring that up with them during your next/first session.
5. Your life and your health are your responsibility, no one elseās.
I understand if youāre exhausted, if all you want to just hand your problems and pain over to someone else to deal with. If even the idea of trying to actually swim is overwhelming when it feels like itās taking all of your energy and strength to keep your head above water.
But the thing about treading water? It only delays the inevitable. Eventually, you will have to decide - are you going to sink? Or are you going to learn to swim?
