My new period-appropriate crack headcanon is that the boston raiders once used akinator to figure out who montreal jane is and it kept telling them if was shane hollander and they kept thinking it was the weirdest fucking bug
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My new period-appropriate crack headcanon is that the boston raiders once used akinator to figure out who montreal jane is and it kept telling them if was shane hollander and they kept thinking it was the weirdest fucking bug

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ilya and shane are gossiping through texts even though they’re in the same place and troy notices and goes “man, i can’t believe you guys are texting each other right now” and shane and ilya stop and put their phones back in their pockets and bood says “i can’t believe we’re gonna have to take your phones away like they do with teenagers” and ilya replies “you’ve already banned us from sitting together and now we can’t even talk to each other?” and troy goes “you guys can’t sit next to each other without retreating into your own little bubble and ignoring everyone else” and dykstra chimes in “besides, you two are sometimes extremely affectionate, you don’t need to rub it in our faces that our wives and harris aren’t here” and ilya sighs irritably and goes “just go ahead and marry a hockey player” and everyone at the table groans and troy throws a little napkin ball at ilya’s head and they flip each other off. and shane finally says something “we’ll behave, i promise” while stroking ilya’s leg under the table and ilya winks at him. the centaurs had to separate the two because quite simply once they get into a conversation they just can’t stop and they simply forgets that there’s people aroud them. unfortunately they really are each other’s best friends and now they sit far apart just to participate in get-togethers with their friends.
alternatively: shane comes out to his parents. no mention of boyfriend. so best momager and agent of all time yuna hollander asks around, does some sleuthing, goes undercover online and surveys the land for the most successful queer hockey player other than her son. imagine her surprise when she discovers from multiple sources that ilya rozanov might be gay. she arranges ads and promotions and sponsors for shane and ilya to do jointly. she hopes they hit it off and get together - only the best for her baby ofc - and she not so subtly asks after ilya from shane when they have a joint thing or an event where they meet. she is hoping, manifesting, praying and buying spells on etsy to have the two best hockey players in her family.
meanwhile every time shane and ilya meet up they fuck nasty, and ofc shane does not understand why his mom suddenly become a bears fan...
ilya and shane are sitting side by side in the booth, being ridiculously affectionate like they always are, putting their foreheads together, rubbing noses, gently rubbing their faces against each other, giving each other a million little pecks all over. ilya’s arm draped across shane’s shoulders while he whispers sweet nothings in his ear and shane just giggles and looks back at him with the biggest heart eyes and ilya says smiling “i love you so much” and shane starts to say “i love—“ but gets cut off by someone clearing their throat and both of them look forward to find their friends sitting right in front of them and troy just groans “you guys are so annoying” and dykstra goes “i don’t know how they make me, a married guy, feel single” and wyatt says “i think they’re cute” and troy rolls his eyes and goes “of course you do” and then troy says looking between ilya and shane “you guys cannot refrain of touch each other for half an hour so you can hang with your friends?” and ilya just grins and goes “sorry guys, it’s just sometimes when two grown people love each other very much—“ and they all groan again and troy snarks “fuck off” and ilya, already having way too much fun keeps going “it’s just that when i’m with shane sometimes people around us just disappear and i can only see him” and he leans in to kiss shane’s face while shane flushed at the confession but doesn’t stop smiling at his husband and their friends just sigh loudly rolling their eyes and troy says “they’re insufferable” and dykstra goes “i bet if we leave those two right now they won’t even notice” and troy nods and they both get up and leave the booth and wyatt stays and shane and ilya stop for a second to look at him and wyatt goes “i think you guys are cute and if bood had come he would agree with me” and ilya goes “thank you hazy” and winks at him before going right back to kissing his husband, who is redder than a tomato but not putting a stop to anything ilya is doing and they’re just left alone in the diner, completely in their own world

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Rolex invites Shane to the Royal Box at Wimbledon again and this time Shane accepts because Rolex specifically asked if he could bring his husband as well and fuck yes he can and together Ilya and Shane are ready to serve so much cunt. They both get dressed in some sharp, elevated summer suits, Ilya in Versace and Shane in Gucci, the dramatic sunglasses & the bitchiest, judgiest mogging are ON, they mirror each other as they cross their legs; occasionally they're holding hands or sit with Ilya's arm around Shanes waist, they are the epitome of power husbands & this is their playground. Do they have one clue what is going on on the court? Of course not. That doesn't stop them from having a fabulous time showing off each other. They know they steal the limelight looking as devastating as they do, together. Turns out these dreadful PR appointments are actually incredible fun when you have your husband/best friend/soulmate with you and Shane can't imagine how he ever did this without Ilya.
Now picture this, occasionally they whisper into each other's ears, sometimes its just sweet nothings and sometimes it's some devastating chirps about tennis, and each time a precious smile breaks through, only for each other, but it drives the photographers wild.
(afterwards, Ilya is excited to have the perfect summer with Shane where they fuck their way across europe)
^ just imagining them watching with the bitchy judgemental energy of tashi in challengers
blessed with the divine vision that bb shane was a fucking STICKLER for equal application of rules when he was an itty bitty. he'll accept the rules just fine, but they will now be HOUSEHOLD rules.
and most of the time it's fine. shane's bedtime is 7:30 pm because he is so itty bitty, but yuna and david have always just gone to their room after that so bb just assumed they were also following The Time To Sleep rules.
which is all well and good until nana is visiting while staying with her sister, it's 7:40 pm, and she is just cooing and delighted at bb shane just repeating "night NIGHT" over and over from the doorway to the living room because she is not understanding that this is not him being cute and saying goodnight.
this is attempted enforcement of the rules because nana, it is time for NIGHT NIGHT and you are clearly NOT ready for night night, and to TOP IT ALL OFF!! YOU ARE KEEPING MAMA AND DADDY FROM NIGHT NIGHT. RULES!! BROKEN!! RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE BABY FACE. >:(
and he’s wearing Snoopy footie pajamas….babyyyyyy
i tried making a contrapuntal poem for hollanov, which can be read 3 ways: shane’s side alone, ilya’s side alone, or both sides together. inspired by the long game.
i love shane because in some ways he's just so Jock and so Boy like he has zero houseplants (except for maybe a cactus or two) because he doesn't care and he forgets to water them and his house would look like shit without a designer because all his walls would be metros blue and he has to hire someone to tell him what kind of clothes to wear and his favourite thing is Sports but i just know he also doesn't play about his microfiber cleaning cloths and he stores leftovers in glass containers instead of plastic containers because microplastic and you have to use the back entrance on rainy days because he doesn't want mud on his nice floors
i love when shane hollander just looks like a Big Loser. big loser energy. with his dweeby ass haircut and his hands in the pockets first day on earth stance and this stupid little smile on his face. like what an absolute fucking loser! and i love him!

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No, I didn't answer your boring text. Now go.
Heated Rivalry | Shane Hollander's face journeys (a series)
David and Yuna are clearing out their attic, and they come over with a box of Shane's old childhood stuff to see if there's anything Shane (but realistically, Ilya) wants to keep.
As Shane and Ilya are going through the box, Ilya pulls out a little Centaurs branded notebook, with "Shane's Fun Facts!" written on the front in sharpie. Ilya is understandably delighted.
"What is this?" he asks, smiling from ear to ear, quickly yanking it out of the reach of Shane who immediately tries to swipe it out of his hands.
"It's nothing," says Shane, but the way his cheeks have gone pink behind his freckles tells another story.
"Uh-uh. It cannot be nothing if you don't want me to see it this badly."
Turning his back to Shane so he can't easily grab at it, Ilya opens to a random page and reads in Shane's 8-year-old scrawl:
Lightning bolts are five times hotter than the sun. That is very hot!
Ilya is grinning even wider now.
"Wow, Solnyshko, that is a fun fact."
"Fuck off," Shane says. He doesn't even attempt to grab it again, just kind of collapses and bonks his head into Ilya's shoulder. "I used to have trouble making friends as a kid. Dad suggested I start collecting facts to use as icebreakers. Y'know, to get conversations going."
"Did they work?" asks Ilya, tilting his head so that it rests on top of Shane's as his husband gives an almighty sigh.
"I think they made it worse, actually."
Ilya turns to another page and reads it out loud.
"Oology is the study of eggs. It's so cool because it looks like there are three eggs in the word!"
"Oh god," says Shane, burying his face further into Ilya's neck.
"I think you knew all the worst kids in Canada," says Ilya, putting down the book and wrapping his arms around Shane. "Those facts would have worked on me."
"Really?" asks Shane, glancing up at Ilya's face to see if he's teasing him, but Ilya is being perfectly serious.
"Of course. You came up to me and started telling me fun facts straight away, remember? 'I don't think you can smoke here.' 'Wow, Rozanov, you are the best player ever to watch.'"
"Fuck off, I didn't say that," laughs Shane.
"Well, it was something like that," says Ilya, pressing a kiss to the top of Shane's head. "So at least the fun facts worked when it mattered, yes? Imagine where we'd be if you hadn't come over to break the ice."
And Shane tugs Ilya even closer.
"I don't think I want to."
people saying that Hayden is a bad friend for beefing with Ilya is so funny to me. Can’t even hate your perfect friend’s long-term situationship turned boyfriend. because of woke. He missed out on ten years of hating Ilya let him have this
his suffering #hissuffering
heated rivalry text posts part 10/?

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