That's all the encouragement I need!
I'm gonna walk through the meme above as a starting point because otherwise there is a lot to talk about and nowhere clear to start. Feel free to ask for further clarifications because this is now a college lecture class this will be on the test(kidding)
Oh also opinions on taxonomy vary wildly depending on a few different things so if you disagree with anything I say here, feel free to fight me to the death in the taxonomy thunderdome. I understand this is how postdocs like to settle things
First, the taxon in question: Order Accipitriformes. Hawks, Eagles, Kites and Allies. Contains well, the stuff I just listed along with buzzards(not the American understanding of the word, New World Vultures aren't accipitriformes), Old World Vultures(yeah they are different from NWV), Ospreys, and a few other odds and ends.
Disclaimer one, it does not include falcons or owls. Falcons are parrots who chose violence and I think owls are a kind of sentient beachball. I cannot help with these
Disclaimer two, most of those words(Hawks, eagles, kites, etc) mean nothing. They are honestly more of a visual descriptor than any actual category. You do have stuff like "true eagles"(genus aquila) but that doesn't include stuff like bald eagles. A Cooper's Hawk is more closely related to a Northern Harrier than it is to a Red Tailed Hawk. Honey Buzzards are a kind of kite. Just make your peace with all of that now.
Okay back to the meme. First bullet point I thinks is pretty self explanatory with my above explanation. Stop categorizing them they clearly want to make you suffer
Second point: Buteo is a genus that contains a bunch of accipitriformes that are commonly known as hawks(ex red tailed hawk, common buzzard) and has a lot of taxonomic drama, which is partially why I used it for this joke. The other reason is that I'm biased and its one of my favorites.
Third point: Buteogallus is you guessed it another genus of a bunch of accipitriformes(Black Hawks and Allies). Most of them are known as hawks, but the Chaco Eagle and Solitary Eagle are both also in buteogallus, because they hate you. I picked them for this joke because they are relatively closely related to buteos. There are a few that are more closely related to buteos, but the name similarity made it funnier to me. Buteos and the Cooler Buteos
"Initial ID was Nisaetus Cirrhatus but it's actually Pernis Ptilorhynchus"
If you ever wanted proof that morphological taxonomy is fake, that's what this is for. The birds mentioned are Changeable Hawk-Eagle and Oriental Honey Buzzard respectively, and often get confused for eachother by people on iNaturalist, so it's a correction I make semi-often. However, they are pretty far from eachother on the taxon tree(I believe Nisaetus is closer to True Eagles? It recently was shifted around though cuz it was split off from Spizaetus so don't quote me).
Changeable Hawk-Eagle, Oriental Honey Buzzard
"Frameworks and binoculars" This joke was just me dunking on birders. I have no idea how often actual taxonomists use binoculars. I'm an engineer
A tree???: This is a taxon tree showing the updated position of Booted Eagles relative to other eagles based on a recent genetic study. I think I chose this one in specific because it was the only one out of the ones I have saved that fit in the slot. Yes I have multiple accipitriforme taxon trees saved don't worry about it
Range Overlap Hell: This image shows the complete range distribution of the Common Buzzard(buteo buteo)(also known as the steppe buzzard)(also known as motherfucker who makes my life harder). It's called range overlap hell because, well, it overlaps with a lot of very similar looking birds, and makes it a pain to ID everyone involved
Also it keeps having taxon changes every 5 minutes with stuff getting rolled into a b.buteo ssp or being split off into a morphologically identical sp and I'm this close to losing it I swear to god. Anyway heres a common buzzard and a bunch of birds its range overlaps with. Yes these are all different species no I am not fucking with you
Common Buzzard, Upland Buzzard, Eastern Buzzard
Himalayan Buzzard, Long Legged Buzzard, Forest Buzzard
Now that you are starting to understand my ire, the next joke: This Motherfucker
That image is allegedly of a Cape Buzzard. What's a Cape Buzzard? Good question. I can't answer it. It may be a new buteo species found in South Africa. It may be that a handful of migratory Steppe Buzzards are staying in South Africa year round instead of heading back where they came from. It might be that nobody can consistently identify a Forest Buzzard. Who knows. Not me. They won't let me DNA sequence the buzzards for some reason.
(I cannot, for the life of me, find the photo I used here. However I think you've seen enough brown buteos with belly streaking to get the point)
"Hello I'd like to see a specimen of Buteo Buteo ssp Buteo''
Buteo Buteo as stated earlier is the scientific name for Common Buzzards. Ssp stands for subspecies, and b. buteo has a bunch, with are indicated with different names. You can also specify that this is the "default" ssp by repeating the species name. So a steppe buzzard would be buteo buteo ssp vulpinus, while the default is buteo buteo ssp buteo.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I hope this clarified everything and nothing and that we all understand that taxonomy isn't real and it can't hurt us anymore(<-- lying)
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