pain and delicious flaky biscuits

Or you use a plastic/silicon spatula?? Or a silicon whisk?? go to literally any dollar store they have shitty plastic/silicon kitchen utensils you can scramble eggs with without scratching up your pans

I hate this site so much.

a severe thunderstorm warning that doesnt follow through is worse than orgasm denial

"hear me out" and it's a picture of the most fuckable building you've ever seen. c'mon now.

“hear me out” and it’s the fucking dildopolis

Every time I see this, I think they’re referring to the building in the background until I keep scrolling

using "what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament" to mean "yeah i made an embarrassing reference but you understood it which is also embarrassing" is very funny to me

my favorite part is that absolutely nobody says this except here. so if you use it in public, it's a dead giveaway that you spent the last ten years on tumblr. but then again, they recognized it, which means they were at the devil's sacrament

At a certain point, the appropriate response to "What were you doing at the devil's sacrament" becomes "stealing shoelaces from the president."

Reblog if you were stealing shoelaces from the President

@funnier-when-objectum

everyone's drinking "monster" and "ghost" so one must assume that both are real and there are factories for milking them. the evil of the soda industry knows no bounds

well I think it knows some bounds otherwise we'd all be thralls to a crisp can of dr. acula by now

Sure I’ll reblog that

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

Then bring me luck

the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work

Hey Potato, cure my -ing cold so I can have a good time while away.

Here's the potato. Make what use of it you will. :)

UPDATE: funny coincidence, since someone earlier mentioned that they had a cold. I also have a cold and was feeling very sick. This morning, I still had a fever, so I called in sick again and discovered that at some point we've had a change in policy at work where we get more sick days without a doctor's note! This means I don't have to drag myself to a doctor's office to waste both our time and energy! I get to just rest! And I already feel much better! The potato worked! Thanks @wind-deity!

"Do you insert yourself as the top/bottom of your favorite ship?" No, I'm the cameraman