Overthinking It

“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.” “Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?” “It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.” “I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated. 

Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic

Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.

“Seriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby. Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife. “How… how did you resolve that sir?” “Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.” “And that sated the humans? “Worse.” “Worse?” “They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”

I think indeed dot com should have a comment section

“Way too reliable narrator” where the narrator provides documentation and proof for how they know every detail in the narrative and an estimate of how confident they are in it.

A study. What you are proposing is an academic case study.

Have y'all ever read “The Phoenix Guards” by Steven Brust? There are several sequels, but they’re all written by “Paarfi of Roundwood”, an extremely arrogant and contreversial scholar (with a reputation for making shit up).

That's the neat part: being able to personalise them would let everyone choose exactly how they want it to be. I also don't think that most people would want the library to pester them with "yo give us our shit back" at any level.

Run for the board!

I've probably watched too much Leverage, because a man in campus cop uniform came in to ask questions about our box office safe today and my boss let him in and gave him all the info he wanted, no questions asked, and all I could think is that we are horrifically easy to con

Maybe he is? Have you checked?

No, although I did check the organizational ID of the British woman who came in to do a last minute film shoot on the second floor, bringing with her an equipment cart large enough to hide a person in.

So it turns out that there is, indeed, money missing from the safe.

if you vote me for president i vow to make everything the ocean again. no more land only ocean. this will solve all of our problems and replace them with new, far more interesting problems

My roommate is a neurologist and has to do this check all the time. Her all-time favorite so far has been “ay dios mio” during which the woman was vigorously crossing herself.

lol me too , lady

One time I got “that orange fuck” from a very cute little old lady with urosepsis

That’s awesome. Thank you for trying to warn us

i’ve been looking for this post for ages and it finally crossed my dash again

(( *smiles* the post is back))

Meanwhile in Germany, the joke goes that a teenager is waking up in a hospital bed, the nurse asks them who the chancellor is and they say, “hang on are you telling me that can change?”

agrees to do petplay and she immediately euthanizes me

question. why do you have 7 featureless grey monoliths in your driveway

There's eight actually but the last one is still in the garage

question. why do you have eight featureless grey monoliths

They're actually a really dark purple

question. why do you have seven featureless really dark purple monoliths in your driveway and an eighth in the garage

Some of them do have features though. There's holes and hinges and stuff, so I can put secrets in em

question. why do you have 8 really dark purple occasionally featureful monoliths

The heart wants what the heart wants

this reads like a muppet sketch

You're not wrong

World Heritage Post

...ah.

Checked their account: turns out op is a fucking tumblr user themselves so????? Idk :/

which one of you motherfuckers reblogged this again