OH BEARER MINE

my promising gardening career was cut short when i was mauled by a rampaging basil plant

i just besmirched this guy's honor and i seriously think he might try to kill me over it i'm freaking the fuck out

you are fifteen thousand generations removed from stone tools

to be clear you are fifteen thousand generations removed from the invention of stone tools. not from the end of stone tools. modern humans are still using stone tools.

I thought you meant we were descendents -of- stone tools

your father was a handaxe and your mother smelt of microliths

the hounds of tindalos isnt like the most thought provoking or best written short story but it is still probably my favorite piece of classic cosmic horror and the titular hounds themselves are definitely my favorite eldritch creatures. imagine a dog that lives on the other side of the ends of time and its full of an evil thats not actually evil so much as the calculable absence of everything that makes people good and because of that the presence of humans drives it into a mad ravenous frenzy and it moves by being made of sacred geometry and going wherever angles are. and its alive but its not alive. it lacks all the essential biological qualities of something living. its going to make you not alive too. it even secretes a weird blue slime.

new type of asnimal discovere din the woords called "legsbeast" which has legs so so so tall that they nevber even observed the body

messed up that eyes are kinda the only body part it’s acceptable to get lost in

getting lost in her mouth

what role do i play in the bedroom? grappler

my gf is a spacer she likes to throw furniture at me

my brother keeps embedding hyperlinks in random household objects so when i go to pick them up i get teleported to mike zuckerberg's metaverse office. this shit is not funny anymore i was just trying to eat a handful of parmesan night cheese and now im being chase by mii channel security guards

She took my fucking mind palace, I'm thinking out of my mind car now.

i have tested positive for tzatziki

[very clearly indulging the urge] im fighting the urge

mastering ancient breathing techniques in the mountains of china to control my heart rate finely enough to jam out a sick tune on the hospital’s heart monitor

The doctors figure out after the sixth beep that I’m trying to play Wonderwall and they unplug my life support

EVERYOBODY GET DOWN HES TAKING A CREATIVE LIBERTY