these teenagers and their dog are trying ruin our money laundering business. no tony put the gun down were doing this the old fashioned way. were gonna dress up as monsters and scare them

listen i consider myself an empathic person but after a certain point i get sick of other people’s problems. my friend is always talking about how the jewel-eyed skull on their mantlepiece is tormenting them w its sinister beauty and im over it. like dude i don’t want to talk about this anymore. get rid of the fucking skull

you’ are biased against my skull

i’m not having this argument again man

new enemy i came up with called the "false mimic" this is just some guy that hides in chests and bobs the lid up and down like a mimic breathing. he has 1 hp and if you smack the chest he starts begging for his life snot and tears running down his face

every time wyll's story progresses gale has to come in like "I'm so glad I'm smart enough to have chosen not to be a warlock ☝️". like okay man. one of us has a nuke in his chest and i'm pretty sure it's not mr warlock over there. but the fuck do i know.

me to the accursed whispering amulet: hey can you speak up please i have an audio processing disorder

i feel like those posts thatre like “REAL gay people don’t talk about yaoi discourse they go to gay clubs and do ket” are crazy like i understand they’re critiquing a hyper specific genre of online queer but babe they can do both… i know people who are ravers and are always on shrooms and read mcr rpf like i feel like we draw a big line between the online queer community and the in person one but that girls at gay bars have tumblr accounts it’s really not that seperate

STOP eating salads because you want to get Skinny✋🚫 START eating salads because theyre yumby plate of leafs ✅🥗

i am getting my THIRD SALAD.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In a day row. They call me the yumby leafer

the leaferrrrrrr

we bought a shirt at a thrift store that says "best mom in louisiana" for some reason (as a reminder we are in midwest germany) and now my spouse keeps walking around the house wearing it and saying shit like "WHO STANDS BEFORE THE GREATEST MOM OF LOUISIANA?"

google search how to interact with other human beings in a way that another human being might consider normal or even acceptable

reading a “there was only one bed fic” and the characters have decided to share the bed as long as they stay on their sides. i’m really glad they figured that whole mess out and am excited to read about them staying on their sides of the bed until morning^-^

bro last night was totally redacted! last night was fully expunged from the record. bro, do you... can you remember last night? what did we do...? what did... did we hurt someone? bro? why won't you look at me? what did I do...? whose blood is this...? bro...?

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