The Habits of a Piece of Shit

this is so fucking funny

imagine getting banished from your homeland for running a con and when you go to get a prophecy about what to do next the priestess is like

“My mom adopted a cat that brings her slippers to her every morning. I didn’t believe her until she got it on camera finally”

And everyone in the van wanted to brag so there was "I did this with an awl while woodworking" and "Oh I got my appendix out" and the like, until they get to my Mom in the farthest back seat in the van and she pulls her shirt up a bit to show the six-inch scar on her abdomen. She's 4'10" so it looks enormous on her, bright red because that's how she scars.

"Oh My God!" people gasped.

"I had to have an eight-pound growth removed from my abdomen." She said, sitting back down to a chorus of horrified gasps.

"What happened?" Asked the trip coodinator, walking right into it.

"Oh, They're in college now!" She said.

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- Had zero stations for water on the 26 mile (42 km) course

- Accidentally gave North American competitor Tom Hicks a cocktail made of egg whites, brandy, and actual fucking rat poison

- Had a guy come into the race late wearing a beret and cutoff slacks, sneak into an apple orchard during the race because no food had been given to him for 40 hours, eat rotten apples, projectile vomit onto the track, fall asleep for hours, and finish in fourth place OVERALL because most of the other runners collapsed of exhaustion or injuries

- Conducted the race on a dusty road, which caused so much dust to be kicked into the air that an American runner somehow inhaled enough to tear his STOMACH LINING open

- Accidentally released feral dogs onto the track