saturn

for the longest time I've been almost positive I have adhd, and despite my family's limited knowledge of mental health i decided to reach out to my mother seeking her help and approval. after a few times of suggesting it she finally agreed, making me an appointment with a psychiatrist.

meanwhile i was telling my therapist of my concerns, in which she agreed, telling me it seemed very likely i had adhd. i took that little crumb of hope and i ran away with it.

the day of the appointment finally comes, i can barely contain my excitement and anxiety. i was finally getting somewhere, and even if it wasn't far, i was no longer at rock fucking bottom and that was good enough for me.

i talked to the psychiatrist, i thought things went really well. she mainly just asked me a lot of questions, but i could tell some were related to adhd. she told me "it seems likely you have it". she followed up with my mom.

when she hung up, i quickly asked my mom what she said about me, to which she responded the psychiatrist just recommended we discuss if i should start anti-depressants or not (my mom refuses to let me take them and at this point I don't care anymore). i was left confused, and my questions remained unanswered.

at my next therapy appointment, i expressed my concerns and curiosity to my therapist, telling her about everything that happened and how i just wanted an answer. she checked something out for me, and proceeded to tell me that the psychiatrist ruled out adhd. she told me it seemed likely i had it, and then proceeded to write down that i didn't meet the fucking criteria.

i don't know what to do. im almost positive my mom only went along with this to ease my concerns, and i feel like now if i try to bring it up to her again she'll just say i don't have it. i just want someone to listen to me. my family won't listen. my therapist won't listen. im out of options until i can manage to figure something else out.