There is something I need to tell all my fellow Actually Autistic people, most especially you younger folks. As an autistic person of 36 years, I have learned something very very important that you all need to know.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE OR HURT YOU IN ANY WAY.
Now for those of you who are 13 or 15, it might be more difficult to say no when your parents are trying to force you to do something. Especially if they are not supportive or understanding of what life as an autistic person is. But it’s better to start standing up for yourself now than to wait.
But for you 17, 19, 21 and beyond folks? Despite how much people might infantilize us, autistic people are still adults. That doesn’t change from our neurotypical peers.
I can’t promise you that you won’t face some sort of consequences for refusing to do non-legally required things. Especially if you’ve got obtuse asshole parents or family who make no effort to understand or accommodate you.
I lucked out. I had a mother who, even when she didn’t understand early on, and would always try to persuade me even into my late 20s, knew that there was no way to actually make me do something I couldn’t do. And I had a sister who understood better and was advocating and helping my mom understand.
I know a lot of you are alone on family ally front. You’ve got parents who have been forcing you to do things you don’t want or need or even can do all your lives because that’s what they’ve done since you were babies and toddlers and grade school kids.
But you are no longer babies or toddlers or kids. You are young adults, or full adults, and your parents are no longer in charge of your decisions. And you absolutely must take that control for yourselves when it comes to your own limits.
If going to a party or celebration or public event is sensory hell? DO NOT GO! It doesn’t matter if parents or relatives think you MUST! You’re the only person who should be deciding that. Yes, it might hurt their feelings, especially if it’s a significant event like a wedding or something. But if it’s going to be excruciating and painful for you? That takes priority!
My fellow autistic people, my young autistic brethren, please understand that you are under no obligation to obey commands like an animal. Least of all those that literally subject you to pain and misery!
It would be unconscionable for a parent to order a child to grab a smoldering hot stove just because. Why do you not think it likewise unacceptable for them to order you to endure painful stimuli and psychological trauma by going to a school dance or church or wedding?
Do the events that you can. Or that you know are really important. Auntie’s 62nd birthday isn’t as important as Siblings wedding. You know? And if Auntie gives you a hard time for that, so be it. You don’t owe anything to anyone for safeguarding yourself.
I couldn’t do a lot of things over the years. But when something really important happened I’d try my best. I couldn’t do my nephews first birthday party. Too many strangers from his fathers side of the family. But I was there for other big moments. And more importantly I was there day in and day out in his life, while those other relatives at his first birthday party have made no attempt to know him.
Stand up for yourself, please. Stop giving in to what others tell you is required. It’s ok!
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