Here And Around

and like, throughout the whole session, to keep the players convinced that the fake not-horror movie is real, the DM keeps mentioning weird, specific details about the fake movie, like, “oh yeah, didn’t i mention? your character is played by crispin glover before he was famous” or “so in the actual movie, you got lost and had a nice scene in an orchard, but so-and-so succeeded on his navigation roll”

and this has the players lulled into a false sense of security for the most part. but over the course of the game they get more and more suspicious of all the weird, doom-harbinging horror-movie details the DM keeps sprinkling in. every once in a while a player will be like, “okay so these identical hitchhiking twins are hot, right? wait, why are they speaking in unison” 

it’s so genius. the DM introduces a small child who creates and collects ultra-realistic, cinema-quality latex monster masks, and none of the players even bat an eye. they don’t clock this creepy horror movie child at all. they’re too busy trying to hit on his older sister, just like their characters would be. 

*party currently arguing about a half-elf rouge having dark vision*

Rouge: I don’t have dark vision

Me: YOU ARE A HALF-ELF

DM: You might as well as come out and say it

Rouge, OOC: Yeah..I’m a changeling

Me: Yeah I knew that you fuckin furry

edward: 

john:

Edward: I just wanna try one thing. Be very still…don’t move.

John as Bella: *flops to the ground and kicks upward to fight off attacker according to the infinite wisdom of Detective JJ Bittenbinder*

John as Bella: Nah, sister, you’re not getting me to no secondary location!

John:

John:

Context: so I was DMing a Pathfinder campaign that had been going on for nearly 2 years and a total of 7 story arcs. The party was eclectic as hell and over the course of those years had been anywhere from 5 to 16 players.

So the party has just reached the final boss fight of the entire campaign: a demon trying to break out of a sealing crystal by tricking/tempting the NPC palidan into not renewing the protections… which also ended up causing a demon invasion from the World Scar on the keep placed strategically to defend against it… that the party has just had to fight it’s way through to get to the sealing chamber.

So the 7-player party (their ninja got squished by a telekinetically thrown block from the keep wall -12d6 dmg- 2 sessions previous) is led to the sealing chamber by the palidan that is responsible for all the bad stuff that’s gone on. He has explained to the party how to properly seal the demon away and vowed to fight with the party as a way to make amends for his transgressions.

So the party goes in, does the little puzzle while simultaneously fighting the boss, and triggers the sealing process, which will renew the keep’s defenses from the demon horde.

This last scene is written so that as the demon being sealed, he grabs the NPC palidan and drags him with him while being sealed.

So as the party slaps the last rune in place and begins the sealing, I begin to read the final “cut scene” out loud.

DM (me): The balor demon roars in rage as the crystal begins to drag him back inside. As he is most of the way back inside, he reaches out and grabs the NPC palidan in his hand and begins to drag him into the crystal with him.

Monk (looking at his character sheet): I pull out my fishing rod and cast it to hook the palidan.

Me: *blinks* Ooookay, roll a Fishing check

Monk: *rolls* 19 plus my Fishing… how’s 28 sound?

Me: You successfully hook the palidan. *rolls percentage dice* Surprisingly, your fishing rod doesnt break. Roll a strength check to maintain hold.

Monk: *rolls* 18 plus Wis modifier gives me a 24.

Me: Okay, then… you maintain your grip on your rod and the palidan’s and your forward progress stops.

*silently counts to 6 as the rest of the party stares in shock at the sheer audacity of the monk*

Roll a strength check to maintain the hold.

Monk: *rolls* 22 this time. *Turns to the party* Help me, dammit!

This makes the party get their act together as 5 of them move to assist the Monk. The party’s palidan, however, places herself near the crystal alongside the demon’s arm.

Palidan: I make a called shot on the demon’s arm in an attempt to sever it. *rolls* 19 plus the bonuses from the Holy Avenger… 26 to hit?

Me: Got it by 1. Roll for damage.

Palidan: *rolls* 16 plus *rolls* 14 plus another 16 for strength… so 46?

Me: *throws the campaign printout over my shoulder* So Palidan swings with her Holy Avenger and slices clean through the balor demon’s arm. The arm holding the palidan drops to the floor as the demon screams out one final time in pain and rage before it gets sucked into the crystal.

Now before I go any further into the epilogue, everyone thank Monk for completely screwing over the pre-planned scenario one FINAL time.

edward: 

john:

Edward: I just wanna try one thing. Be very still…don’t move.

John as Bella: *flops to the ground and kicks upward to fight off attacker according to the infinite wisdom of Detective JJ Bittenbinder*

John as Bella: Nah, sister, you’re not getting me to no secondary location!

John:

John:

Shaken by how long it took

I could do about anything

I could even learn how to love

Like you

Love like you

Ie. Jack of all trades master of none->better than a master of one

Great minds think alike->but fools rarely differ

Over time the second half gets lost because it’s been passed down orally so some idioms meanings have been warped but that’s a different conversation (ie. “Blood is thicker than water” is actually “the blood of the convent is thicker than the water of the womb”)