Sucker for Pain

Note to Self: You don’t gain anything from stressing and worrying about things you can’t change.

i'm trying. i'm trying really hard but i can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt when it really does.

Some demons have a pretty smile.

I waited for you for so long. I watched my phone, every night, waiting on a phone call that somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I’d never get. I just wanted to hear you say that you were sorry for hurting me, and that maybe you wanted to get back together. I hoped and hoped that you saw me in the hallways, looking down at the floor and just know that I missed you. Because I thought you missed me too, you just didn’t know what you wanted But, I finally realized that you didn’t miss me at all, that I was definitely not what you wanted, and that I never meant that much to you anyway.

And though I know you’re in love with her, there are still times where I wonder if you look for pieces of me in her. If you search her blue eyes for the specks of green mine hold. If you ever wonder what my lips would taste like compared to hers as they’re pressed to yours. If you dream about me while she’s lying next to you. If you ever regret choosing her over me.

I wasn’t even supposed to fall in love with you at the start, hell, now I wish I never knew you. We were just supposed to be friends. But somehow, in some way, I managed to fall for you. How stupid I was, gosh. You were never supposed to find out about my idiotic crush on you. But you did, and now, here we are, acting like complete strangers and falling apart.

The day I lost you was the worst day of my life, but not because I lost you. There’ll be plenty of other boys out there, plenty of other kisses to share. 
The day I lost you was the worst day of my life, but not because I lost you, not because I lost my routine. Not because I lost the daily kisses by my locker, the endless Friday nights spent together. 
The day I lost you was the worst day of my life, but not because I lost you. It was the worst day of my life because I lost my best friends too. Not because I lost you, the greatest friend of all. Not because I lost the affection you showed me. The day I lost you was the worst day of my life, because my friends were the ones who told you to. Because my friends were the ones who helped you. Because my friends were the ones who broke my heart. They were only using you. 
So today has been the worst day of my life, not only because I lost you, but I lost everyone else too.

I keep being told that you’re a bad choice, that you’ll destroy me. But you’re the only one who seems to make my troubles disappear. The one who makes me calm when everyone else was keeping me stressing. It could be lack of sleep, or maybe I’m just high off the thought of you, but all I wanna do is keep kissing you.

Missing someone is like having only one shoe on. You can still walk, but it’s with a limp. When you are missing somebody, your heart is out of balance. It still beats, but it skips. It limps from being broken.