I’m just thinking…

Another day of laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I know I should get up, brush my teeth and change my clothes but I can’t. I can’t move. And I can’t respond to the texts coming through my phone either. I don’t know what to say. I can’t move. My heart and my head hurt. I can’t focus. I can’t move. And I’m not sure how to explain it to those around me. Why I’m so sad. Why I’m so tired. Why I can’t move. How do you tell those you love that you’re so incredibly sad that nothing feels worth moving for? How do you tell them that even though you’re surrounded by love, you’ve never felt so alone? I can’t move because I can’t find anything motivating enough to move for. And I don’t know how to explain it. So laying here, staring at the ceiling feels like enough for now.

Okay. Fine. But what about me? Don’t you think you owe it to me to work on yourself? To be a better person so you never hurt anyone again like you’ve hurt me? For the last 5 years, you’ve dragged me through the mud, pushed and pulled me in so many different directions and caused so much heartache and pain. You drop me at every bad turn because you don’t want to deal with the consequences of your actions but it leaves me dealing with them. The pain is real. The heartache never seems to go away. And after 5 years of this fucking bullshit, you owe it to me to be a better person because I’m the one you consistently fuck over. I’m the one you consistently hurt. If you owe anyone, anything - you owe me the biggest apology, the biggest turn around and the biggest hug. Because I can’t seem to stop hurting. And it’s all your fault. And I wish I could hate you for it, for all of it. I wish I could hate you. I’ve tried and I’ve tried. But I can’t. And I find myself missing you when you’re not here. I’m missing the friendship more than anything. You owe it to yourself but you also owe it to me. Because I don’t think the heartache and pain is ever going to stop. And I need it to stop.

I know I'm not happy

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #92// Nobody wants a girl who's broken. It's a known fact.

We were so toxic. 2 years together and I don’t think I can think of a single moment where I wasn’t sad because of you. The manipulation, the gaslighting, the fighting – it never ended. I have been sadder since meeting you than I have my entire life. I used to be happy, I used to have such a light within me. I don’t know why I let you put that out. I’m so fucking better off without you, and yet I still cry when I think about you. My heart aches at the idea of us never being together again. I still want you in my life, I still crave your touch and I can still hear your voice. But why? Why do I want you when you’ve literally been nothing but a hindrance in my life? I’d hate to think that this is what love is. Yearning for someone who doesn’t want you. But maybe it is, and maybe I’m doomed to love you for the rest of my life.

So as hard as it is, the “how’re you doing?” text is going to get deleted, along with any further memories of you. I don’t want to do it, but I have to. I just have to.

Loving you was by accident, hurting me was a choice. I don't know how my actions would have changed either of our outcomes for life - but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could go back and never say anything to you at all.

this is the sweetest! I hope you know that you are valued and loved, by those around you and those not around you. Thank you for being you, and if you ever need a person to talk to, my messages are always open!

You’re my toxic person. I love you, but you’re no good for me anymore. // January 27th, 2020

Heartbreak can only go for so long before it’s time to pick yourself up // January 6th, 2020

But I, on the other hand, shouldn’t have given up so easily. I should have kissed you hard instead of watching you walk away that night. I should have yelled to you everything I loved about you, and told you every reason I thought we could make the long distance thing work. I should have stood up for myself and for us, unlike you did. I should have loved you harder, but I didn’t. And now I know I can’t only blame you for breaking my heart, because I broke my heart too.

Whatever it was, she was stuck. Her love for him was like a rubber band. No matter how far away she got from him and her feelings for him, she would shoot back to him just as fast. It was inevitable. She was stuck in a cycle she couldn’t break... but did she really even wanna break it?

He wasn’t hers to make happy anymore. She knew that better than anyone, and yet she wished he was. She wished she knew where it all went wrong, and how she could’ve fixed it. She hadn’t been happier in all her life than she was in the 10 months of being with him. But sometimes some things aren’t meant to be - and as sad as it was to admit… they were never supposed to be a forever thing. Just a temporary love song that had to end. 

Sometimes the person you fall for, doesn't fall back. sometimes you’re just alone. // October 1st, 2019.