The Secret Letter

I saw you in my dream last night, but there was something different this time. You were leaving with a girl and you looked back to say goodbye, there were 3 of us staying but you only looked at me, your eyes looked so deep in mine I felt mine tear up when I choked out a goodbye. Your eyes were pleading me to stop you from leaving, any whisper of hope, but I wasn't brave enough. I don't want this to be our goodbye.

I'm trying to be better.

First I lost you. Then it was my identity, my last piece of family, my home. In a matter of days it's all crumbled. I lost my foundation and I don't know where to go when you're the only person I want to run to.

You decided to give up and I am left with no choice but to leave. It was terrible, but I was able to manage. It hurt a lot, but I was able to stay strong despite all the pain. I missed you, but I don’t want to see you anymore. I loved you, but please stay away from me. I didn’t bother you at all when you asked for your space. Could you do the same for me? I told you before I left not to look for me once I leave. Just that, please would you let me be? I accepted the fact that I was not good enough for you. It wouldn’t sound good if I force things that you don’t want to do. I accepted the reality that we wont be back together. I am happy thinking you are genuinely happy with her. So lets continue and stick on moving on, could we? I know how happy you are now, that I am happy too and I still wish the best for you. Because today, I’m proud of myself for staying strong. Doing things one step at a time and day by day I was able to fix my own broken pieces(ofc with a great help of my dear family and friends😍) Not just today, but moving forward. Tomorrow and every single day, I choose to be happy without you.💖

My best friend(L) is dating one of my friends(J). L and I have always had kind of flirty relationship. But we never showed that part in front of others. He has always been their for me. I talk about L to others all the time, and it caused them to think that him and I are a thing. I’ve told J about this and she laughed and said it was fine because she trusts me. She knows I’d never do anything to break them up. Last night L, was really high. We were snapchatting, and he was being really flirty. I flirted back cause it’s what we do. But them it started getting a little too sexual and he sent me something, and I sent something back. He woke up this morning not remembering anything we said or did. I can’t talk to him about, or anyone else because him, J, and I are in the same friend circle. I am also talking to L’s friend(A). A and I are planning on going on dates when he gets back, but I haven’t spoken to A in a while cause he deleted his social media. I also don’t have his phone number. I’m now in a problem that I can’t solve cause I can’t talk to any of my friends about it.

I destroyed my family and any hope of a future with them when I secretly became an escort 3 years ago. I did it because Im a selfish piece of shit who put my overwhelming desire to have sex ahead of everything else in the world, including my 10 year old daughter and my husband of 16 years. Now Ive lost them…they are gone forever. Im pretty sure I never really deserved them in the first place. I do however deserve the pain and emptiness I feel inside. I did this. I fucked everyones life up because I cant keep my legs closed. I hate myself…just like they hate me.

So the thing is that you cheated. And none of my friends know that a week later I let you take me for ice cream and you told me how sorry you were and I almost said it was okay. I almost told you I could take you back. I almost told you I liked you more than every mistake you could ever make. And then I realized that the only mistake I could never love you through is the mistake where you chose someone over me. I could love you through everything, but I could never love you enough to make you chose me.

I have been hurt by many, but there is one I can’t get over now. It took the place of the one that changed me completely. I used to be a confident girl, right before I graduated high school. Then HE happened. He broke my confidence. And yea its been a few years. But I felt the sting still. Well, until the second HE happened. The second He reminded me of my father. And of two of my exs. And he manipulated me so much in one week, and then he dropped me completely, that I hit a restart on my anxiety and depression that the first He started. Within a week, I fell for the second He. And I trusted him. But when he turned his back on me and ignored me, it hurt because I thought I could trust him. Now I’m back with the love of my life. And I cant get over the second He. I want both of the He’s to be punished in ways that Hell wouldn’t even do. I want them to suffer like I do. But much much more painful.

I’m not open with people, not even really my family. I don’t everyone everything. I like to keep things to myself, because I don’t like my family or anyone else in my life needs to know certain things. It’s best for me not to tell anything. Because a secret isn’t a secret anymore once told to another person.

I prayed for you even though I didn’t know you. That somehow, some way, we’d be connected somehow. The school year’s over now and you’re one of my closest friends. How that happened in the span of 5 months (when our friend group got made) I have no idea. We’re just friends though, probably always will be. But we go on beach dates in our own little spot like we could be something more, and I take care of you when you’re drunk and massage your head like we could be something more, and you text me while you’re intoxicated like we could be something more and drunk thoughts are sober thoughts, right? And every time you piss me off and I tell God, ‘aight this time I’m done freal’, you go and do some sweet thing. And I’m trying to get over you, I am. And I think I will soon… but if you ever do decide that it’s me you need, then God answered my prayers.

ha. to think I gave you everything. my heart, my soul, my mind.. everything but my body. but thank god i didn’t. you broke me & i hope you never forget it. oh please, please don’t ever forget me jack.

Hope is a fragile thing. It twists and turns and bends and breaks until all the little shards are burnt to ash. It hurts so bad to hope again when I know the wind will take the ash and turn it into a hurricane. As I stand looking at the sea, I remember what you did to me. I remember you were once my light, my stars, my moon, my sun. Now I regret everything I’ve ever done. Here’s my advice, dear reader, my friend, don’t hope, because soon, everything comes to an end.

I will be waiting for You my whole life. I will keep looking for You in everyone else and i will push them all away in the end because they aren’t You.

When I thought that it will not hurt me.. Then in a bang.. I feel an ache to my heart and I have to say… I have not learned anything from the past.. And I'm fucked up again

I just really thought that you might be the one that could make me happy for the rest of my life..

I have never loved someone like this before. I believed what you said to me, I believed you loved me. I believed you wanted me, not my body. But I was wrong. Wrong again.