#fix me

“3 am, I scream your name. I don't sleep, I don't change. There's no magic left, No card up my sleeve. Forever's gone, And I watched it leave.” - Matt Nathanson, Disappear 

Joel Miller looked like hell.

Eyes bloodshot, brown curls disheveled, his body radiating a weariness that came from spending the night in his office, at times drinking, sobbing, or throwing up. He knew it was his fault he felt like this, not just because of the whiskey but what he’d done to her. To her.

His breath hitched as if he was going to start crying again, but his dehydrated body couldn’t gather the tears. The pain instead settled in his chest, making him cross his arms tightly, fingernails digging into his biceps. He wanted to feel pain, to draw blood, anything to escape the hell he’d cast himself into. If he could hurt himself enough maybe he could forget hurting her.

A sharp rap on the door frame of his office door brought him out of his haze with a start. His mind cleared enough to recognize his brother standing there, wearing his Miller Construction shirt under a denim jacket, protection against an early December chilly morning.

Tommy, who had been looking down the hallway when he knocked, finally turned face his brother. He took one glance at Joel’s face and balked. “You look like shit, big brother. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

Joel didn’t have enough energy to lie, and he wasn’t sure he could hold it all in much longer, anyway.

“She’s leaving, Tommy. She’s gettin’ her stuff out and then she’s leaving.”

Tommy stood there, looking confused. “What do you mean, she’s leavin'? You mean her trip this weekend?”

The trip. The trip he was using as an opportunity to fuck his mistress in the bed she’d shared with him for over a year.

“No, Tommy, She’s leaving leaving. Packin’ her stuff up now, I imagine. Said she’d have her lawyer contact mine. Get stuff sorted out.” Joel looked at the floor as he spoke, too ashamed to meet Tommy’s gaze.

“What? Why? How’d this happen? She’s pregnant with your baby, for fuck’s sake!” Tommy no longer just looked confused, but sounded it as well - though there was an edge to his voice. Tommy knew that whatever the issue was, it was probably Joel’s fault.

Joel waited as long as he possibly could before whispering, “Luna.”

Tommy’s face went from confusion to shock to disgust as he put his hands up on both sides of the doorway. 

“What the fuck, Joel? You knew what she was like. I warned you! I mean, I might have slept with her, but I was single!” Tommy closed his eyes while bringing his hands up to massage his temples. Joel had divorced his first wife Tess, after twenty-eight years of marriage, less than two years ago. Now this? 

“You’re a jackass, Joel. She’s carryin’ your baby! You had everything going for you and then you go and do this. Un-fucking-believable.” He slapped the door frame hard enough to sting his hands then backed out of the doorway, headed towards his office.

Joel stood with a grimace, surprised to find his legs still worked, and followed Tommy. “Look, I know it was stupid…”

Tommy whirled around. “‘Stupid?’ You’re going with ‘stupid’? You just blew that girl’s life up, Joel. She lost so much just to be with you, to stay with you. She worshiped the ground you walked on. She's carryin’ your child for fuck’s sake! I don’t think ‘stupid’ covers it.” Tommy was almost red with rage now, eyes sparking black and angry.

“I know, Tommy, I know. I don’t know why I let this happen. I just was so scared that what happened with Tess would happen with her. I got scared she wouldn’t want me anymore and you said it yourself, you know what Luna’s like.” Joel took a deep, dragging breath. “So one day, the flirting went too far and we ended up having sex in my office. Then when things kept getting worse at home, and I thought she didn’t want me anymore, I just kept up with Luna. It was like a drug.”

Tommy seethed out between gritted teeth, “You think ‘scared’ is better? Your feelings were hurt because your wife - who is currently carrying your child - didn’t want you to fuck her because she was exhausted and hormonal and maybe just needed some support? I don’t even have kids, man, and I know you’re an asshole.”

Tommy paused for a breath before saying in a calmer voice that cut to Joel’s core, “I’m not interested in your excuses. I’ve always looked up to you. I always thought that you knew the best way to handle things even if I didn’t see it. Even when you left Tess, I told myself you had been unhappy for a while, both of you, so it was okay. But now? Now you disgust me.”

Tommy turned around as if to walk to his own office before turning and asking in a measured tone. “How’d she find out, anyway? Did you leave your phone out or something or some other dumbass move?”

For the first time since Tommy had seen him, Joel seriously considered lying. He knew he was about to turn Tommy’s disgust into pure rage.

Joel took a deep breath and decided to just rip the bandaid off. “Luna and I were here last night when she came by to surprise me. Luna had set up the timing so she’d see everything, hear everything. I don’t know how long she was standing there - I couldn’t see her.” He looked down at his shoes in shame before continuing. “She heard me tell Luna things I had told her, when we first got together. She heard me tell Luna that Luna was better in bed than she was. Luna just kept asking and asking and I just blurted it out. I didn’t mean it, I swear, but when I tried to tell her that, she wouldn’t believe me.”

Joel had been right - Tommy’s face now showed nothing but loathing. Last night might have been the worst Joel had ever felt in his life but this was a close second. “Tommy, look, I’m sorry. I just got in over my head and I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to get her back.”

Tommy scoffed. “Get her back? You’re going to be lucky if she doesn’t take that kid and run. You’re not getting her back.”

Joel’s face crumpled which seemed to piss Tommy off even more. Joel wasn’t sure if Tommy was planning to continue to berate him or just punch him and be done with it when they heard the door of the main office open, a sound barely above a whisper. They glanced that direction simultaneously and saw Luna striding in, looking as though 12 hours previously she hadn’t been straddling Joel in his office chair, begging him to cum inside her raw.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Luna?” Tommy growled and Joel was happy for Tommy’s anger to be directed elsewhere for even a moment.

“I’m coming to work. I don’t see why that’s such a shock.” Luna sat down at her desk and started to log into her computer.

“Okay, you’re fired,” Tommy said flatly. Joel normally liked to be consulted on HR decisions but thought he’d let this one pass.

“You’re firing me because your brother can’t keep it in his pants? I didn’t think you’d care, since you didn’t even notice before and this has been going on for three months. Why should we stop now? At least now he’s single, or so I imagine.” She smiled brightly as she turned back to her computer.

Tommy’s glare turned back to Joel. “Three months, dude? Did you even wait till the day after she told you she was pregnant to start fucking your secretary?”

“A week.” Luna piped up behind him and they turned to look at her. “He waited a week. Well, it was a week after I found out. Didn’t take him long to find a woman who could meet his needs, did it?”

Luna’s upper lip was curled in a smirk and Joel was taken by how disgusting she now looked. Grief and self-loathing had opened his eyes in a way guilt hadn’t been able to.

Tommy had kept his voice steady, but Joel knew him well enough to know it was costing him more energy than he had in reserves. He was getting ready to break, unless Joel did something.

“Look, Luna, this really…you really should go. We’ll make sure your last paycheck gets deposited on schedule.” Joel’s voice radiated the bone-crushing tiredness that washed over him in a new wave.

“If I didn’t leave after Tommy and I had sex, why would I leave now? I’m good at my job and, again, you’re single now. If you can’t have her anymore, you and I can keep going." Luna stopped, as if considering something. "Actually, maybe she was the reason you wanted me so badly - I just wasn’t her. Anyway, she’s gone now so I don’t see why you and I can’t just keep fucking.” Luna made it sound like it was the most logical course of action.

“Luna, this really isn’t going to work out. We’ll give you a great recommendation - and severance pay. Just…go.” Joel tried to keep the pleading out of his voice, but was unsuccessful.

The conversation with Luna had distracted Joel and Tommy so much they hadn’t heard the front door open again and didn’t notice Maria, Tommy’s fiancé, entering till she was at Luna’s desk, looking confused.

“Why is Luna getting let go? I thought you said she was doing a great job, Tommy. She’s certainly done well with the contracts she’s been responsible for handling, that I’ve seen.” 

Maria’s company, owned with her father, had partnered with Miller Construction a little over a year ago. That had led to a huge upswing in business for Joel and Tommy and Luna’s level of responsibility had increased. As far as Maria knew, Luna had been doing well.

Maria glanced over at Joel to give him a nod of greeting and did a double-take. “Joel, what happened?”

Luna, who had been preening at Maria’s words, answered for him. “His wife caught him fucking me last night and he’s upset she’s now leaving him. Can’t blame her, really. She heard him tell me how much better in bed I am than she is,” Luna sighed like it was unfortunate, but unavoidable. “She didn’t like that at all. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones.” Luna shrugged as if she hadn’t just helped destroy Joel’s life.

Maria’s initial look of absolute fury had been aimed at Joel - and he had expected that. Now, though, Maria’s eyes were pointed at Luna and they could have burned holes in solid steel.

“I think they’re right, Luna. You really should go.” Her voice was smooth but the look on Tommy’s face assured Joel that Maria was holding back, because Tommy looked terrified.

As if she hadn’t even heard Maria, Luna continued conversationally. “You should know Tommy fucked me too. Before you, I mean. I bet I could get him to do it again, though. Men always go for the younger, tighter pussy, don’t they? And, let’s be realistic, in those business suits you wear, how much fun could you possibly be in bed?” 

Tommy cleared his throat, causing Joel, Maria, and Luna all to turn towards him. “I really think…”

Maria cut him off then turned back to Luna. “Excuse me?”

Luna turned to face Maria, sighing as if Maria was wasting her time. “Look. I am just saying I got him once and I could get him again. It’s not complicated. I was hoping to keep things going with Joel but it seems like it’ll take him some time to get over his soon-to-be ex-wife.”

Maria let out a short, breathy laugh. “You really think you could get Tommy back in bed? Now? Did you know he actually felt guilty after sleeping with you? He could tell you enjoyed it but he felt bad later because he knew all about your adorable little crush on him. To tell you the truth, we had a little chuckle over it, which Tommy thought might have been rude.” Maria took a step forward and pointed her finger at Luna.

“Tommy might have thought it was rude, but I didn’t. I know all about women like you, Luna. I had you figured out the first time I spoke to you. You’re what? 24? 25?” 

Luna didn’t look nearly as arrogant as she had a moment ago. “25 this month.”

“Right. Well, Luna, you’re just like every other young, reasonably attractive woman with daddy issues. You fuck men twice your age because you need to feel important to someone old enough to make you feel safe but who also wants to fuck you to make you feel desirable.” 

Maria’s voice dripped with a false pity now. “But you know what, Luna? Some day - probably very soon considering how much damage you’ve done to your hair with the box dye and how obvious your lip filler is - you’re going to age out of your preferred role. Give it five years, maybe ten, and no man over 50 with a functioning dick is going to want you.”

“But for now, we don’t want you. We’ll pay you for the time you worked, and Joel, Tommy, and I will talk about your recommendation.” Maria seemed to have forgotten she didn’t actually work for Miller Construction but neither Joel or Tommy thought this was the best time to mention that. There would never be a good time to mention it, really.

Maria went to turn to Joel but turned back to Luna. “As for me, I have a great relationship with my dad, I know what kegels are, and I’m fully aware of the power a button-down blouse and stockings can have on a man. I guarantee you couldn’t get Tommy to fuck you again. Right, sweetie?” 

She flashed a huge smile at Tommy who couldn’t help but smile back. “Right, honey.”

Maria dropped the smile as she turned back to Luna, who was looking dazed. “Look, I know you’re bright but you need to go find yourself a job with a female boss and get some therapy.” She paused and pursed her lips. “Oh, and if I ever see you near either of your now-former bosses trying to get your job back while promising them sex, I will have your ass busted for prostitution.”

Luna started to speak but Maria cut her off. “Don’t try me. I am being nice now, but don’t try me.”

Obviously considering the conversation over, Maria turned to Tommy. “Walk her out, okay?” Tommy nodded and Maria turned to Joel. The “eyes burning holes in solid steel” look was back.

She pointed her finger down the hallway behind Joel. “Your office. Now.” Joel didn’t dare disobey.

When they got into his office, she gestured towards his chair, inviting him to sit down. He hesitated, it was more comfortable than the guest chairs, but Maria raised an eyebrow. “Do you really think I’d want to sit in a chair you probably fucked Luna in?”

“Ah, right,” Joel sat down while Maria took one of the seats across from him.

She scooted the chair closer to the desk, which served to make it feel that they were on equal ground. She held his gaze for a long moment before speaking, her voice low but measured.

“Joel, we’re really very similar in some ways, when you think about it.” Joel raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “No, we really are. We’re both intelligent, logical people. We work hard, and we both love Tommy more than he might deserve sometimes.” She paused. “We’re also protectors, Joel. We fight hard for the people we love, the things we’re passionate about. It’s why people like us are so good at our jobs. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Joel nodded mutely, knowing what was coming.

“You fell down on your job, Joel. I’m not talking about Miller Construction. I’m talking about the job you had to take care of her. To protect her. She wasn’t supposed to need protection from you.” 

Joel closed his eyes, as if he could somehow block out her words that way. “I know, I do. I know I was stupid.” There was that word again. Stupid. 

Maria wasn’t going to let him get away with minimizing what he had done any more than Tommy was. “Stupid, Joel? Stupid? You weren’t stupid, you were cruel.” Maria went silent for a moment, fidgeting with the edge of the sleeve on her blazer. She began again, quietly. “She could have left, you know? After everything came out about the two of you and Tess left, she could have left too. You were the only thing tying her to Austin.”

She lifted her eyes to meet his again. “But she stayed, Joel. She stayed and she stood by you when Tess took half. She never said a word when the company started getting so much work after we started working together. Tommy told me you worked late a lot, even before the pregnancy. Despite this, she married you. A week in Mexico and then back here and she’s still there for you.”

“And then she gets pregnant. You get her pregnant. And she’s so happy and you pretend you’re happy too.”

“Hey, I wasn’t pretendin’. I’m happy about the baby. This wasn’t about that.” Joel sounded defensive for the first time. 

“Really?” Maria’s voice was cold. “How long after she told you she was pregnant did it take you to start fucking Luna? A day? A week?”

Joel looked abashed. “About a week and a half after she told me.”

“Right, and while you’re off doing that, didn’t she paint the nursery? While pregnant?” 

“I was going to do it! She just wanted to surprise me!”

“That doesn’t make it better, Joel. It makes it worse. Have you painted any nurseries in her life recently? Or were you too busy getting your cock sucked by someone who clearly does not care about you, never mind her?” Joel had no answer. He had known it was wrong, but Maria laying out exactly how wrong it was put everything in sharp relief. 

“And really, Joel, how can you say this wasn’t about the baby? We both know what happened with Tess, when your son was little. Do you remember? Because I’m sure Tess does. It was what, 20 years ago? How old was Jack when you started screwing around on Tess? One? Two?”

“Two and a half. It was with a woman from work.” Joel felt like all of the fight had been drained from him, as little as there had been.

“Well, it seems you have a type. So, Tess was exhausted from running around after a toddler all the time. She didn’t have the energy to give you the same amount of attention you had before, so you got the attention elsewhere. Does that sound accurate?”

Joel nodded, though he didn’t want to. “Yeah, that sounds accurate.”

“And you want to tell me that this whole situation isn’t because of the baby? That you’re so happy about the baby that you had to celebrate by essentially deserting your wife?”

“I wasn’t celebrating, Maria. I didn’t set out for this to happen.” Joel closed his eyes, looking for the strength to try to explain himself.

“So tell me what happened.” Maria leaned back in her chair, her face expectant.

Joel let out a deep sigh, like he had been holding his breath. “Well, when we found out we were having the baby about three months ago, I was terrified. I already wasn’t sure how I ended up with a hot woman in her 20s. I’m almost twice her age and she’s not Luna. She’d never even dated someone my age before. What did I do to deserve her?”

Maria huffed. “I’m still trying to figure that out. Go on.”

“Well, I was afraid what happened with Tess would happen with her. That she’d lose interest in me. I just kept remembering how lonely I felt then. How I felt like I lost my wife when we had Jack. I love that kid more than I can say, even if things aren’t real good right now, but I missed my wife. I just worried about going through it again.”

“So you thought cheating on her would bring you closer together? That’s some sound logic there, Joel.” Maria sighed and rolled her eyes. “When did this start? Who started it?”

“About three months ago.” Joel saw the look on her face. “Yeah, I know, right after she found out she was pregnant. And Luna had always made it clear she was more than available but I made the first move. I regretted it afterwards, but I couldn’t stop. Wouldn’t stop. She was like a drug.”

“Why, Joel? You had a beautiful woman in love with you, a baby you claimed to want on the way, the business has been going well. How could you have wanted Luna more than you wanted that?”

Joel let a big breath out through pursed lips. “I don’t know. It was like I wanted it because Luna made me feel wanted in a really obvious, physical way. It was like that overpowered everything else. Like I said before, she was like a drug. She couldn’t get enough of me either, and she was willing to…do stuff I hadn’t done before.”

“What sort of…” Maria started but stopped herself. “You know what, I don’t want to know.”

“No, you don’t, but she heard me tell Luna how much I loved it. She heard Luna beg me to tell her that she was better in bed than my wife. That I thought about her when I was inside my wife. She heard me agree to all of it, she heard me tell Luna she was better, that she…well, she did a lot of things better.”

Maria closed her eyes, as if trying to block out Joel’s words. How could he be so selfish? 

“I didn’t mean it, any of it. I just got caught up and she kept pressing and I just…broke.” The excuse sounded lame to Joel as soon as he said it, but he couldn’t take it back.

Maria’s eyes were still closed when she responded. “Joel, do you really expect me to believe that? Do you expect her to believe it?”

“I guess not, but I don’t know how to prove it.”

Maria opened her eyes and glared at him. “I don’t think you can prove it. You have to accept that, more than likely, she’s going to hear you saying that in her head every day until the day she dies.”

“I know. I know I can’t fix it. Not now. Maybe not ever, but I can’t let myself believe that yet.” Joel paused. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised you’re not yelling at me yet. I deserve it.”

Maria’s eyes popped open. “Yelling? Joel, you’re lucky I don’t look good in orange.” Maria considered this. “Actually, I look great in orange but your ass isn’t worth going to prison for. I am angry, very angry, but there are more important things for me to worry about right now.”

“Like what?” Joel was genuinely confused as to what could be more important to Maria than making sure he knew how badly he’d fucked up.

“Like trying to go save a woman who built her life around a man who didn’t deserve her. She has no one, Joel. No one. I’m only hoping when I find her she’s holding it together enough that I can help her get her stuff and get out of the house.”

Maria stood up to leave and Joel stood as well, “Will you tell her she can keep the condo? I’ll pay the lease. Or if she finds something else, I can pay for it. Please just tell her I’ll take care of her. Just…please.” Maria raised an eyebrow. “I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t want to make her suffer worse than I already have. Just, please tell her she doesn’t need to worry about anything like that. Please.”

Maria looked him in the eyes, searching for something. “Okay, I’ll tell her, but you stay the hell away from her. She’s pregnant and she’s had a devastating 24 hours. She needs to be kept safe from as much stress as we can save her from and you are essentially the embodiment of stress. Stay away from her until she wants to see you, if she ever does.” 

Maria moved towards the door. “Related, you better start looking up custody laws in Texas unless you’re willing to let her have full custody. I don’t know how it works with newborns. I imagine it can’t be 50/50 when they’re little.”

Joel nodded. “I’ll look into it. She can have anything she wants, just not that. I want to be in my daughter’s life. We’ll have to work something out.”

Maria’s gaze softened for a moment. “You’re having a girl?”

“Yeah. That’s what she was coming here to tell me last night. We’re having a little girl.” Joel managed a small smile, clearly excited about being a girl dad.

Maria echoed the smile, but then looked at him sadly, “Try not to break another girl’s heart when you get to meet her, okay?” 

And with that Maria walked out of the office, leaving Joel standing there with his head in his hands.

A/N: In the original version of this chapter, Luna got hit by a bus. This was more fun and now she's still there when I need her later! *evil cackle*

Next week our girl is BACK! She's obviously not the happiest she's ever been but she's there, she's strong, and she's four months from becoming a first time mom trying to share custody with him.

See you Wednesday for another WIP from Chapter 2: A Village!