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a tumblr mutual is a kind of childhood best friend

hey sorry it's just that i don't think i'm very good at being a person. thanks for letting me try with you, anyway.

project hail mary is a touching and poignant film that leaves you asking questions about humanity like, "wow what if all mainstream media was genuinely good" and "what if book adaptions actually gave a shit about the book in question" and "what if studios hired actors that could actually act, and then let them get a lil wacky with it"

genuinely i think everyone would be so much happier if we simply accepted that fanfiction isn’t supposed to be realistic at all, it’s just supposed to make you happy. ​these freaks are currently 20k words into pining for each other while living under the same roof and working the same job, fuck realism tbh

You misused thou/thee in a joke post and provoked my ire.

[the most low energy you have ever seen me] we’re about to go crazy mode

You know I gotta learn shitpost brevity. Most of my successful posts are like 3 paragraph essays, minimum. Fucking dissertations. Terrible note-to-word ratio. Inefficient. In this economy? In this economy? Unsustainable. Everyone else posting "blowing my balls up at the bomb factory" and getting 50,000 notes. Amazing ROI. They're the future and I'm on dial-up. The market's gonna out-compete me.

what people dont get about divorces is the Whole Thing About Dogs

i have written custody plans for labrador retrievers more complex than i have for children. i went to four years of undergrad, three years of law school, and sat for the bar exam to write up custody exchange provisions for dogs with hyphonated last names

my clients are paying $295 an hour for me to go to court and litigate who makes veterinary decisions for Chuckles the Goldfish and theres literally nothing i can do to stop them

formative years? aren’t they all?

show me a permanent self and i will show you a facade or a corpse

idk if anyone else has seen the surge of memes making fun of cave divers recently. there was a comment on one that was like "cave divers with 4 kids, 2 degrees, a loving wife and a huge house when they learn that Satan's Sphincter has a 0% survival rate" it had me crying laughing

You'd think "oh, well they're rich dipshits with no training who pulled a Stockton Rush, IE: did something everyone told them not to and then died" but nope, 90% of cave diving stories are like "Johnny Wetsuit had 5000 hours diving experience, a doctorate in Cave Diveology from the most prestigious university in the world, was trained to swim by literal navy seals, was part dolphin and had the power of echo-location, God himself contacted him to let him know the conditions in Drowning Idiot Cave were going to be perfectly safe for cave diving, so he went Cave Diving, made one tiny mistake, and then he got stuck and drowned to death."

does anyone want to see a really good picture of my kitty cat

not a cat, first off

snale