we all know how it goes

There really is something so incredibly compelling about the dynamic of a man who has never experienced open desire learning to let go and finding out he's actually a downright slut for it in the right circumstances with a specific man who happens to be an absolute whore but who grows obsessed with this quiet, unassuming, secret deviant to the point that literally nothing else matters. And they're rivals. Like, wow, no wonder this show has me in such a chokehold.

this on a backdrop of almost a decade of intense yearning……it’s so powerful

the thing about shane hollander is taht he's my little gu[remembers he's huge] hes my Big Guy

no okay i do want to talk about shane drumming his fingers on the gearshift on the way to face his parents only for ilya to cover his hand with his own, and then we see shane in the rearview, tears in his eyes, shutting his eyes briefly. and it’s like we see him recenter under ilya’s touch, be still. and i think a lot about how hudson described shane’s relationship with yuna as clinical — she loves him, yes, more than anything, but there’s a distance there; emotions are hands-off. david seems loving but removed as well. it’s likely shane never had anyone to properly sit with him in his anxiousness, in his fear, he always had to suffer it in silence. and it’s like. here comes ilya rozanov, saying, do you want me to come with you? yes it’s scary, but you’re brave. maybe they didn’t even notice. ilya pulls shane from the ether, guides him to wrap his arms around him instead. he lets shane slide to the floor and clutch at him, press himself into his body in a way that brings him comfort. he grounds him, gives him something to anchor himself to, gives him a place to unravel. shane’s walked alone for years and years, has learned how to buck up and go through things on his own. and ilya tells him he doesn’t have to. like. ever since we were 17, i’ve wanted to be where you are, to go where you go. just say the word. of course i will go with you. i’m right here. i’m always going to be right here.