woo to the young to the woo

The axe forgets. The tree forgets. The squirrels in the forest forget. Nobody remembers

a mere dutch angle is nowhere near enough to capture the depths of my insanity

God everything fucking sucks. If one more thing in my life goes wrong im gonna [Remembers suicide jokes are bad] I'm going to. To. Tooooo Neeeaaaoooowww [Making airplane noises] [Moves my hand around mimicking an airplane] Weeeeeaaaaaaoooooowwwww [Crashes airplane directly into wall and punches my hand through it and breaks all bones in my hand] PSHHHHHH BOOOOOMMMMMM BHAAAAAHHH [Explosion] WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO [Sirens] [Emergency alert] ERR ERR ERR ERR ERR ERR ERR ERR

also shoutout to my really tired old white guy gynecologist who when i said "i want a hysterectomy" did not push back at all and instead sighed, and without looking up at me from his tablet went "We'll have to do a bunch of stuff for insurance because it's a scam and otherwise they won't approve it" and then after laying out the plan walked me out and i dont know if we made eye contact once after shaking hands, which is exactly the kind of medical care i want in this day and age.

Dude, where’s my kissy. Where is my fuckin snuggles bro

a coffin-bed thats just a massive refrigerator would surely fix me

Turn based sex. Take as long as you need to think of a strategy.

HINT: his pussy is weak to fire magic.

Pepper spray his pussy

Do not.

*cums* ok finally got that out of the way *wields a cruel blade violently*

I'm going to start getting annoyed soon...

Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that's its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that's its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

i am banned from eating my herring inside. they make me eat it on the smoking area by the loading dock, under the theory that it already smells bad there. but it was raining today which was preventing my breakfast, so i was feeling sad and hungry and then i realized that there was a large cardboard box in the dumpster from a previous delivery. like a fridge sized box. so i fished it out of the dumpster, then tipped it on its side and had a nice little cardboard cave to watch the rain and eat my fish in. which was a great experience. very soothing. very zen. at least until the security guard from the day before stepped outside to smoke. then i tried hiding from him by crawling deeper in the box, which unfortunately did not work. instead he saw a sort of damp sniveling pale hairless creature eating fish in a box, and delivered the verbal killshot of "good morning, mr. smeagol." which is how my day was ruined before 8 am.

what will it be, boss? the comfort of misery or the pain of change?