fancyname

No parts of it extended beyond the lines, and the paper ticket was clearly displayed, impaled on a horn.

don’t show up on camera

can fly/scale walls

immune to bullets

can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit

could probably hypnotize security guards as needed

they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.

downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).

depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.

downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.

(Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)

Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:

the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.

downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.

(In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)

alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”

downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!

Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.

(Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)

I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best

not Saw specifically but a slasher with a legit body count. Summer camp slashers are overplayed but I think it really works because it's the type of thing the Scooby gang WOULD get caught up in.

like some of the counselors didn't show up (got got) so the head counselor calls his younger cousin to see if him and his friends can fill in last minute. They show up and they're a bunch of nerds, one of them even has an anxiety dog, and they don't have a big role at first. It seems like the movie is setting them up as cannon fodder.

Fuck the slasher movie just effectively becomes Home Alone but with Four Kevin McAllisters

yes, here is a baby oarfish 

MA! THERE’S A WEIRD FUCKING FISH!

Not much is known about Oarfish. Their maximum length is debatable, though there are reports of specimen up to 56 ft long. They live at great depths, and are rarely observed alive. Here’s a relatively small one:

Slightly larger one:

aaaaand, little bigger:

Yeah. these children get long.  hold on a mo’, i might have a better photo

yeah. there we go. a few hundred lbs of Oarfish. like i said, length-variable. that one’s only about 28 feet though. so like, imagine that but double. 

look how excited everyone is. well, everyone but the fish. oh, fun fact! they can self-amputate up to 3/4th of their body. lizard style. 

Historically, Oarfish have been described as sea serpents, and are probably responsible for a fair portion of myths. In Japanese folklore, their appearance portends earthquakes. Though rarely seen, Oarfish live in every ocean. All around the world. Everywhere. No matter what coastline you’re on, they’re always there. Just a few thousand feet below water. Waiting.

Art presented without further comment:

artists (the OP is by Theodoor Rombouts, 17th c) : F. Gordeev 1769, Cornelius Cort 1566, Bernard Picart 1733, Enrico Barberi 1893, Luca Giordano 1660, Grigorij Mihajlov 1819, Jacob Jordaens 1640, Jean-Louis-Cesar Lair 1819, Johann Heinrich Fuseli 1781-1785, John Singer Sargent c. 1921, John Singer Sargent 1921, Kaspar von Zumbusch 1880, Josep Campeny i Santamaria, Juan Manuel Ferrari 1952, Peter Paul Rubens 1610s, Nicolas-Sébastien Adam 1762, unknown (Prometheus Vase) 1867, Pavel Wenig 1892

Aaand switch bonus: "Prometheus Strangling the Vulture" by Jacques Lipchitz (1943)

does "God" have a penis?

The term “zombie” is both a technical term, referring to a family, and a common name, referring to a genus.

The family Zombie is a broad, overarching group that includes the genus that many people call zombie (Ghoulus, not to be confused with Ghouli, the unrelated genus of the Ghala family which also includes bogeymen and some ghosts*) as well as the Mummy genus (Pyrima), the spore-zombie genus (Fungan) and a few others.

The colloquial term “Zombie” is the common term for the genus Ghoulus, which is in the family Zombie and includes Ghoulus romero (the walking zombie), Ghoulus snydera (the running zombie), and Ghoulus smithi (the vampiric zombie, also called the legendary zombie).

Interestingly, there are several things called “zombies” that are neither Ghoulus nor Zombie, including the dancing zombie (Jacksoni thrillera), which is more closely related to (although not currently actually in the same family as) clowns.

*Note: the ghosts in the Ghala family are not true ghosts. True ghosts are in the order Spectere, which is entirely unrelated to Ghouli, Ghoulus, Pyrima, and Fungan. Ghala “ghosts” are given the common name ghost because of their superficial similarity to true ghosts.

the closest to a domesticated ghost we have is the house ghost, Phantome domus (sometimes classified as a distinct subspecies Phantome domus domesticus).

P. domus is interesting because it’s like housecats – they are technically domesticated (scans have shown that the fight-or-flight response, like in domesticated animals, is weaker in P. domus than in related species like P. majestica, the manor ghost, or P. more, the cemetary ghost), but evidence suggests that it’s a naturalistic co-evolution rather than an intentional domestication process like with sheep or dogs.