they're like angels to me

honestly one of the worst things is that I knew. a lot of people talk about not knowing they were trans until xyz event where they realized and went through whatever hardships and then transitioned. people talk about repression and discovery and all these things. and those are all powerful and important experiences I don't see myself as above them in any way. but I knew.

I was never an egg, I was never in denial. when I was 3 years old I dreamed I was a princess. I know this because my family retells it as a funny story. I tried to wear my sister's clothes regularly, I asked people why there wasn't a word for the reverse of a tomboy, I put on makeup, I used she/her pronouns online since I first learned to read and write.

I don't bring this up to do this "I've always been a woman deep down, so you should listen to me as super valid Mr psychologist gatekeeper". my point is that it didn't matter.

I knew, and it didn't matter. it wasn't an issue of having to figure out who I was and then realizing that. it's that who I am was intentionally killed and locked away at every turn. it's not that I didn't realize I was a girl, it's that I wasn't allowed to be one. I was hurt and punished and sent to conversion therapy repeatedly. I can't "go back in time and tell my younger self to save her years of struggle". it wouldn't matter. it wouldn't change anything at all. the issue wasn't a lack of information. it's a lack of power. kids and trans kids especially are subject to so much abuse and we have no power to do anything about it. it is such a great tragedy beyond words. knowing what you want to do and wear and say and be, that you want this name and these pronouns and that cute dress, and being powerless to do anything about it anyway. forced to wear clothes picked out for you by a guardian, only able to use pre-approved nicknames online. only allowed to engage in these specific hobbies and have these specific friends. all of whom treat you like garbage. but it doesn't matter. it doesn't even matter if you know it's unjust, there's no way to do anything about it. it is perhaps the most powerless position anyone can be in. there is no level of knowledge or personal strength that will get you out of it. you just have to shut off until enough time passes for the law to deem you as worthy of being a person.

If you lived in America as a child, answer this poll. If you didn't, you answer the poll in the reblog.

If you didn't live in America as a child, answer this poll. If you did, you answer the previous poll.

Guy tied up in chair: uh…theres just one guy over there.

Mafia boss: Yeah. That’s Lil’ Tony. He’s got one of dem conditions where he’s got multiple mooks n’ his head. But when Big Tony fronts you’re gonna be in big trouble.

“But it’s confusing!” If you take the time to educate yourself it’ll no longer be confusing. Otherwise you’re just gonna have to learn to be ok with being confused.

“But it’s weird!” You probably do weird things all the time. Everyone does weird things sometimes. Life goes on.

“But it scares me!” Is it hurting you? No? You’ll be fine. Being scared and being harmed are not always the same thing. Learn to tell the difference and then act accordingly.

Discovered last year I couldn’t look at my 2015 MacBook Air without it triggering nausea and migraines, and figured the screen died. Have been getting by on my phone, but concluded I really need a laptop again.

Saved up, realised I could afford a brand new MacBook Neo, and got one.

-And I couldn’t spend more than five minutes looking at the screen without massive eye strain, nausea, vertigo, and if I pushed it, I-need-to-lie-down-in-a-dark-room-for-hours migraines.

Looking up MacBook and Eyestrain explained what is going on. The liquid retina displays that Apple currently has uses Pulse Width Modulation or PWM. In order to give the screens a deeper depth of colour and contrast, PWM flickers between several hundred to thousand times a second.

And there is currently no way to turn it off. There are settings and apps to reduce it, but there is no way to stop the screen from flickering. Checked Apple forums, called Apple Support, and the time I could look at the screen kept shrinking. Got the laptop Tuesday, returned it Friday, today is Sunday and I’m still dealing with a vertigo migraine.

For MacBooks, it seems to vary on the computer model and the software it uses. In retrospect, the issue with my MacBook Air started after a major software update.

And it’s not just an Apple thing. Current Windows and Android screens do the same thing. There’s even a Reddit for people who are sensitive to PWM flickers to help find computers and screens that won’t trigger eyestrain and headaches.

So, yeah. This week has been a learning experience. But for those who are prone to headaches and migraines, this may be something to be aware of, cause I was not.