Shut up, Meg.

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 10 (The terrifying, looming threat of a threesome)

POST 11 (Syn enjoys the torment nexus)

Would ilya actually want to have a threesome with shane? Would they go through with it?

**TW: rape non-con**

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 9 (Shane can’t do anything that’s not for Ilya’s happiness)

POST 10 (The terrifying, looming threat of a threesome)

Obviously this is about Stepford Wife Curse it could not begin any other way. (Specifically this is an addition if you want to make it more Ella Enchanted rather than Obsession). I think we’ve kind of established this already but I don’t think it’s been explicitly stated so here I go.

Very important bit of already established information. This Curse is very old and very banned for a reason. This also means that some information about it may have gotten lost.

It is supposed to be done to a Spouse specifically. The magic binds the cursed to their spouse and has it follow their every wish and desire. Shane and Ilya were not married before the curse took place. This is not a good thing.

The curse can recognize that Ilya is the intended spouse, so he is the priority. That does not mean that other people can’t influence Stepford!Shane. Unless a requestcommand blocks Shane’s happiness Shane can’t do shit. He has to make everyone happy. Ilya’s just the first priority. So yes he will be in that ad campaign Yuna even though that director has sexually harassed him in the past, god please stop touching him, Shane wouldn’t know to call it that but he has. Harris needs help with social media? Of course he’ll do that dance trend please stop making him have to give parts of himself away to the public. Cassie (Bood’s wife) need some help setting up for the Barbeque? Sure Shane’s schedule is wide open dear god let him sleep he doesn’t want to go to another fucking party where he has to eat food that makes him nauseous. Troy in his head and needs some help with his backhand? Shane can absolutely help him out did Troy ever apologize to Shane for calling him a fag? Or a mutt? Or calling his mom a mail order bride? He can’t remember.

Shane is so happy to help and make sure that Ilya gets his Happily Ever After. And part of that is certainly helping their community. This isn’t his community why are none of his friends checking in on him, yeah Rose is in Iceland but surely someone else will realize that he doesn’t want this.

Someone has to realize he doesn’t want this.

P.S. The Jester does a really depressed Kazoo bit. She does not want to be here either. But alas, the Horrors.

I don’t think we even have to make this because they’re not married yet. I think this is just an aspect of the curse.

The curse is primarily tied to Ilya as his romantic partner, as The Center Of His World, as his Everything And He Doesn’t Need Anything Else. But Ilya doesn’t exist in isolation. He has His Friends. And Ilya wants Shane to get along with His Friends. And Shane’s So Happy To Do It. It’ll make Ilya happy to see him finally making an effort at the barbecue. He was so upset the last time Shane didn’t want to go.

Shane’s Making An Effort To Fit Right In. He’s the Captain’s Wife Husband After All. Haha, Need To Get Along With Everyone. Troy? Water Under The Bridge. Really. Haha, Even That Super Racist Thing You Said About My Mom And Didn’t Work Up The Nerve To Apologize For For The First Six Months Of Me Being On The Team. Yeah, You Make Ilya So Happy. Just Want To Get Along.

Shane is Smiling and Pleasant and Doesn’t Cause Any Trouble At All. He’s Just Happy To Be Here, Really. See, He’s Smiling. And Now Ilya’s Happy Because, Look, Shane Didn’t Need His Own Friends After All. Haha, Just Ilya’s. It Doesn’t Still Hurt That None Of His Friends Of Ten Fucking Years Came To His Fucking Wedding.

I think the curse recognizes that Ilya wouldn’t be happy if Shane didn’t get along with Ilya’s friends he doesn’t, he sort of fucking hates them or if he stopped getting along with his parents he’s their son please fucking care that he’s basically dead please fucking care that he’s basically dead please fucking care that he’s basically dead and so Shane’s Getting Along Great, Thanks.

I think everything feeds into this ultimate goal of Being The Guy Who Makes Ilya Happy and everything that’s not servile to that is just. Nonexistent to Shane. Like I think he legitimately cannot do anything unless it somehow feeds into making Ilya happy. He is Empty and Pleasant and he paid Too Much Attention To Less Important Things like his fucking eating disorder But He’s Better Now And All Of His Attention Is Where It Should Be And That’s On Ilya.

I think if he’s home and Ilya’s out and there isn’t something Shane can do that will Make Ilya Happy When He Comes Home, like clean the house or cook or exercise so his body stays in the shape Ilya enjoys, then he just… sits there. The curse does not allow him to exist outside of Ilya. He is not allowed to have passions or interests or desires outside of him. He is Empty and Pleasant and Focused On The Right Things (his very sad boyfriend).

I think more than once Ilya’s come home and asked Shane what he did while Ilya was gone and Shane always coyly says “Wait For You To Get Back ;)” but that’s legitimately all he did. He sat on the couch and he stared at the wall for five hours waiting for Ilya to get back. He is not allowed to have anything resembling his own life anymore. He just exists to service Ilya.

Being a Good Captain’s Wife Husband and Good Son Even Though He’s Second Favorite is part of making Ilya happy, so Shane does it. He’s Happy To Be Here, Happy To Help, Always. But the second that purpose goes away, he is an empty doll sitting on a shelf.

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 8 (Waking up to this instead of the Muppets - in reference to the AU of the Sochi Outing AU where Shane stars in a Muppets movie pre-Sochi, which was what most of the posts and asks were about the day before this AU emerged)

POST 9 (Shane can’t do anything that’s not for Ilya’s happiness)

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 7 (The Stanley Cup Wish end of the curse)

POST 8 (Waking up to this instead of the Muppets - in reference to the AU of the Sochi Outing AU where Shane stars in a Muppets movie pre-Sochi, which was what most of the posts and asks were about the day before this AU emerged)

If you want to acknowledge the Magical Drug Test and the Pregnancy Check Up here’s some ways to get around it:

- As previously stated The Pregnancy Check Up is happening After The Season Ends. That’s kind of out of the running it will happen eventually but Shane doesn’t know that’s something they do so he is just dreading it with every fiber of his being.

- The Magical Drug Tests is can be something that gets legally required after this shit show of a scandal (holy fuck the biggest star on the Stanley Cup winning team, The Golden Boy of Hockey Himself was Stepford wife’d for over a year and no one fucking realized it)

- If it already exists then like a drug test it gets done randomly and not every year (because that’s hard to do with witches not being as popular). Or the fact that it is categorized as a CURSE and the drug test checks for BLESSINGS, because that’s the magical equivalent of dopeing, means that it is not caught leading to Shane’s continual internal spiral.

- You could also go the horrible route of the Stepford Curse fighting against it and forcing Shane to get around it because it doesn’t want to existing. It’s a curse it’s not going to let go that easily.

MAGICAL STANLEY CUP THOUGH?

Perfect solution for both angst and practicality. With Angst, Shane’s legendary Crashout is going to be live-streaming internationally. It is going to be a media bloodbath that Shane’s “loved ones” will have to suffer through and have no escape from. Shane will go to the cottage or fucking run away as he should (Stepford Wife Summer Crash Out babbyyyyyy). He will be caught on camera throwing up. Ilya is holding the cup as Captain and everyone who loves those mental images of Ilya passing the cup to Shane with a kiss gets this instead (and I fucking love that concept so much oh my god). What is meant to beat the Skip kiss is more like the Times Square WW2 kiss in that it is famous and absolutely non consented and everyone knows it. Ultimate canon like moment and it breaks everything

Practically, fic writers love a magical Stanley cup. A cup wish is a pretty common concept (with wish babies following that) so if you wanted to go that route you could. You could also have it be a general blessing of good health bla bla bla. It being the cure absolutely works.

If you are going the route of the curse does not want to be broken the Centaurs winning the cup and that Famous Cup Kiss is the one thing it cannot stop. Stepford! Shane is a cursed! canon Shane who is supposed to move to the Centaurs and be part of The Ilya Rozanov’s perfect life and team. The Conquering Hero who after the cup is going to go home and fuck his beautiful exotic husband because that is his happy ending and his right after all of his terrible trauma. He took this terrible team from the bottom of the league to the top. The kiss is part of “The Perfect Couple” and Happy Ending. Even if the Stepford Curse is supposed to resist things that can break it, it could never resist this. It is the only thing that would work. Also it really works as a true love’s kiss breaks the spell but in the worst imaginable way type moment.

P.S. The Jester presents her thought ramblings quickly compiled because she has to do something else but this had to be done real quick so hopefully she can come back to this/it will make sense when read by someone else

Oh my god that’s it. It’s a fucking Stanley Cup wish that breaks the curse. It’s Ilya’s Stanley Cup wish that breaks the curse.

Make it a League tradition that whoever’s the captain gets the Stanley Cup wish. There’s no splitting this bullshit for the good of the team—it’s the captain’s personal wish as per tradition. The magic is powerful but limited. Ask for too much and the magic goes wonky. It’s gone a bit off in the past when people try to stretch the wish out across the team. If you want a wish, captain a Stanley Cup winning team.

He wishes for Shane’s happiness.

He wishes for Shane’s happiness.

The Cup interprets the wish as a wish for genuine happiness, not artificial happiness, because that’s what Ilya wants. He wants Shane to have whatever he needs in the world to be happy.

And Shane will never be happy under the curse.

He makes the wish as he passes the Cup between them, in the breath before they kiss. They kiss, the wish catches, the Cup passes fully over to Shane’s hands, and—

Clang. The Cup hits the ice.

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 6 (Book recommendation)

POST 7 (The Stanley Cup Wish end of the curse)

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 5 (But The Muppets will save Shane, right? RIGHT?? - in reference to the AU of the Sochi Outing AU where Shane stars in a Muppets movie pre-Sochi, which was what most of the posts and asks were about the day before this AU emerged)

POST 6 (Book recommendation)

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 4 (Shane is done with Everyone.)

POST 5 (But The Muppets will save Shane, right? RIGHT?? - in reference to the AU of the Sochi Outing AU where Shane stars in a Muppets movie pre-Sochi, which was what most of the posts and asks were about the day before this AU emerged)

Two things:

All I can think about is the conversation that Shane would have with his parents when the curse is finally broken. Like holy shit, how do you ever recover that relationship?

Secondly, Ilya was so out of character in the long game. I'm inclined to believe he was cursed too

Oh I don’t think Shane would even be able to face them after. I think he would refuse to see them. I think it would take a long fucking time for him to even bear to speak to them. He would not let them in his hospital room or house or wherever he landed after this.

Like, fundamentally, the tragedy of Shane in this AU is the tragedy of canon. His entire personality disappears overnight and everyone in his life tells him how they like him so much better now. I don’t think he wants to speak to his parents after the curse is broken. They obviously didn’t like him enough to miss him.

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Meme Post 1 & Post 3 (Memes about the curse and TLG Ilya, Shane’s reaction once the curse is broken, the curse bodying all the fun we were having with the Sochi Muppet AU, Shane and Rose and guns, fans figuring out the curse, Shane realizing everyone liked him better cursed, and us and Syn’s AUs; & the timing of the curse, no one saving Shane, or the hopeful ending of Ilya coming out of his depression and realizing)

POST 4 (Shane is done with Everyone.)

P.S. Boss holy shit this is so fucked up. Fascinating but objectively horrifying. I do think the timeline for the curse at least starts Post!Trip but while I’m kinda holding out for right after the Centaur’s first cup for him being freed I’m obviously open to my mind being changed. Making some dark comedy memes for the class after this fucked up concept.

P.P.S. Seriously though love this even though it aches.

P.P.P.S. OH MY GOD HORRIBLE CONCEPT BUT THEY DO FILM THE SEX TAPE AND IT GETS LEAKED AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY START TO FUCKING NOTICE SHIT. Not anyone in Shane’s immediate circle no that’d be too much to hope for. But other witches and investigative journalists. Oh yeah.

dropping the stepford wife curse au really was an act of violence

**TW for rape/non con**

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 2 (Running off with Rose)

MEME POST 1 & POST 3 (Memes about the curse and TLG Ilya, Shane’s reaction once the curse is broken, the curse bodying all the fun we were having with the Sochi Muppet AU, Shane and Rose and guns, fans figuring out the curse, Shane realizing everyone liked him better cursed, and us and Syn’s AUs; & the timing of the curse, no one saving Shane, or the hopeful ending of Ilya coming out of his depression and realizing)

the stepford wife curse au

(for ease of navigation, here are the posts before and after this one in the AU. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 1 (The utterly horrifying original concept)

POST 2 (Running off with Rose)

So I was thinking about how I would execute this kind of storyline and I think I personally would not have Ilya involved in stepford wifing Shane at all. Make it a totally unrelated third party, like a parasocial fan or something. Because then the horror is localized in the fact that no one notices what happened to him. Like, these are the broad strokes I’m thinking of right now—trigger warning for the rape/non con inherent in this kind of premise:

the stepford wife curse au (master post)

POST 1 (The utterly horrifying original concept)

Post 2 (Running off with Rose)

Meme Post 1 & Post 3 (Memes about the curse and TLG Ilya, Shane’s reaction once the curse is broken, the curse bodying all the fun we were having with the Sochi Muppet AU, Shane and Rose and guns, fans figuring out the curse, Shane realizing everyone liked him better cursed, and us and Syn’s AUs; & the timing of the curse, no one saving Shane, or the hopeful ending of Ilya coming out of his depression and realizing)

Post 4 (Shane is done with Everyone.)

Post 5 (But The Muppets will save Shane, right? RIGHT?? - in reference to the AU of the Sochi Outing AU where Shane stars in a Muppets movie pre-Sochi, which was what most of the posts and asks were about the day before this AU emerged)

Post 6 (Book recommendation)

Post 7 (The Stanley Cup Wish end of the curse)

Post 8 (Waking up to this instead of the Muppets)

Post 9 (Shane can’t do anything that’s not for Ilya’s happiness)

Post 10 (The terrifying, looming threat of a threesome)

Post 11 (Syn enjoys the torment nexus)

They're always in and out of the water – lake swims, pool swims, hot tub, showers – so doing his curl routine each time would be crazy when he could be spending that precious time sucking his boyfriend's dick.

Shane's not the biggest fan of how Ilya's styling products feel. He'll tolerate it, but Ilya can tell by his face that the texture isn't his favourite. Less product = more hair touching.

Shane's hands are always in his hair. When they're kissing. When they're watching a movie. When they fuck. When Ilya sits with his head in Shane's lap. When they're napping on the couch together. Shane's hands are usually full of a handful of Ilya's curls.

Shane seems to really like it. One time Shane said Ilya's fluffy hair made him look like a duckling and he's been chasing that high ever since.

Shane: can't i really need to finish this essay

Ilya: whats it on maybe i can help you

Reading that made me realise i think the moment Ilya said я тебя люблю (i love you) is the moment that shane finally responds я тоже (me too)

(god now i really want the fic where they do talk about The Security Concerns when other people are around and people are so alarmed by how casual they are about it. like this is their casual chat at all-stars and they become friends in public through the shared experience of having been stalked extensively. the rest of their team is deeply upset. what do you mean your father hired security guards for you. what do you mean you can't just go to a store in montreal without thinking about it.)

They each have this slightly different flavor of Child Star Horror Movie Bullshit going on so if you ever get the three of them together and boozed up they become like the Jägerbomb of trauma bonding. Like wow those are all things that should Clearly Not Be Combined and also it makes your teeth taste kind of like batteries but for some fucking reason there are people who actually enjoy this. Those people are Shane, Rose, and Ilya. They’d all be so affirmed by each other and absolutely everyone else who heard that conversation would be sitting there in silent horror. Rose will be like “hey has anyone else been struggling with this inescapable and irrational feeling of being watched at all moments since you were 12 even when you think that you’re alone. Do you think that’s maybe bc of that guy who mailed me the words ‘I’m always watching you’ written 493 times on college ruled notebook paper or is this a universal experience” and Shane’s like “I’m experiencing that literally right now” and Ilya’s like *slamming back another shot* “for me it is not irrational the fucking government is watching me”

Part of the reason why The Ilya and Shane That Live In My Head love each other so much is because they are the only bitches who truly fucking get it. It’s not just about the pressure of being tied to your fucking nation’s sense of self. It’s about growing up under that pressure. It’s like when you force pumpkins to grow inside molds so that they’ll grow into that shape.

You know this isn’t the right shape for you. You know you weren’t supposed to be this way. But you can’t go back. You already grew into the shape that they wanted you to be.

Shane and Ilya spent so long in the pain of growing in their molds and they never met anyone who understood how much pressure there was to fit into it until they met each other. They are chained to their place in the national zeitgeist like Prometheus to his goddamn rock. There is no way back. There is no way out. Your country has been invested in you since you started to sprout. You do not just get to leave.

There’s this crushing, inescapable sense of fate around it in my head. Ilya hated Russia, and he did not want to go back, and everyone always wanted to take more and more from him. And he’d stand in those fucking parties with all the politicians using his face as their mask and feel this awful, creeping dread that he’d be suffocating in these parties until he died as young and bitter and empty as his mother. He’d retire and come back to Russia and they’d stick him with some fucking title and a position in promoting sports and making the next Ilya Rozanov to fuck over and he’d never have a way out of the horse and pony show that had been his entire life. How do you get out from under a boot if the entire goddamn country is wearing it?

And Shane. Shane’s country was nicer about eating him but they still goddamn ate him. He’s been hearing what a role model he is for the Canadian youth since he was the fucking Canadian youth. And he knows that he can’t just get off the ride. Shane Hollander is a household name and has been since he was a teenager. Even after he retires, he knows how it goes. People are going to follow up with him and want the memoir and the documentary and the constant, constant commentary on how the next generation can be more like him. He doesn’t disappear when the hockey stops. He’s the answer to a question on the goddamn citizenship test. They want to breed him like a goddamn racehorse. His country is nicer about it, but the boot is still on his chest.

But it disappears when they’re together. They don’t have to perform the image. They can just be them. It’s the first time the boot has left their chest since they were little. Being together is just such a relief.

Like. The three of them all have experienced Horrors the other two haven’t faced. Rose’s first piece of fan mail she ever got was a rape fantasy from an adult man. Ilya has no goddamn clue if he had stalkers as a child or how many he had because he has been so hyper controlled since the age of eight that it could have been happening and he just. Never found out. No one ever told him. His days were scheduled down to the minute and he just got in the cars people pointed him at and went with it. Shane had to sit in a focus group when he was 16 and somehow the feedback on him was that he was both “too Asian” and “not Asian enough.” What. What is he supposed to do with that.

But, even if it was slightly different hells for each of them, so much about the pressure and the expectations and the commodification of their very selves is the same for all three of them. Rose and Ilya are like. Soulmate-in-laws. Like they both think of themselves as being soulmates with Shane but a lot of what makes them similar to Shane also makes them similar to each other.

They have not had this realization yet in snapping birch. Shane keeps telling Ilya that he’d love Rose but Ilya is still committed to the bit of hating her. She is saved in his cellphone as The Woman Shane Tried To Love Instead Of Me. In the brief window between when Shane told Rose about Ilya and when Every Other Person In The World Found Out About Them, whenever Rose and Shane went viral for being in love/pregnant/secretly married, Ilya would send rose a text from a different burner number that was just like “homewrecker” and then immediately block her. The one time he didn’t block her she sent him a link to a YouTube video of the love of his life calling her his soulmate with no other context or reply. Torrid bitch.

snapping birch extras

(there are too many posts to include every one every time, so here's the one before and after. For the complete master post, click here)

Meme Post 9 (Meme about childhood stalkers)

POST 182 (The horrors of childhood fame as experienced by Ilya, Shane and Rose (and how they can escape when together))

snapping birch extras

(there are too many posts to include every one every time, so here's the one before and after. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 181 (On childhood stars, danger, and the Russia of it all)

MEME POST 9 (Meme about childhood stalkers)

He couldnt even move the car during game day, and sometimes even during non game days bc people wouls try to see the players b4 and after practice.

Shane would have been dealing with this shit since he was 18/19.

Sidney Crosby once talked how he always wore a cap during game days and his parents wouldnt say his name in public bc otherwise he'd be harassed by parents of the other team. At 12.

Shane and Ilya have the kind of skill that would have been making waves since before they were teens.

Oh this is really interesting insight.

snapping birch extras

(there are too many posts to include every one every time, so here's the one before and after. For the complete master post, click here)

Post 180 (Raiders Twitter is READY)

POST 181 (On childhood stars, danger, and the Russia of it all)