french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you
italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house
american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked
chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void.
English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy
Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.
Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie
Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts
Filipino recipes: add rice and soy sauce and some more rice MORE RICE MORE RICE MORE
Serbian Recipes: everything is salad. Ajvar? Salad. A single whole hot pepper covered in oil? Salad. Cabbage? Salad. Kajmak? Salad.
Lebanese recipes: If you don’t have at least 3 family members cooking this dinner with you than you aren’t doing it right.
Indonesian recipes: have you added spices? Add some just in case. Eat with rice. It’s not a proper meal until there’s rice in it. You just had bread/burger/cake/pizza? Eat rice anyway or you’ll die of starvation
Bonus Javanese recipes: Have you added sugar? What do you mean it’s meant to be salty/sour/spicy/something else? ADD SUGAR.TO IT
Canadian recipes: Well part of the directions are in metric but you have imperial measuring cups. I hope you like math because we’re going to find out how many gallons in a litre and how many millimetres are in a cup.
Swedish recipes: Assemble all the beige items you have in your kitchen. Great. now add raw red onions, dill and salt and white pepper. if u prefer it blander, don’t do the last things. consider serving it with jam
Norwegian recipes: listen after three days skiing uphill you will eat anything so stop complaining.
Indian recipes: spend two weeks digging the required spices out of your cupboards. Chop onions until you cry. Fry onions with spices until evey pore in your body is open, let the fragrance seep into your skin, become one with the curry.
german recipes: this meal isn’t what you think it is. it has 164 different names in different regions. it’s either made of potatoes, served with potatoes, or it’s cake. there’s a 50% chance it’s actually austrian, but don’t tell anyone.
belarusian recipes: “cook over a slow fire until done”. how many degrees is a slow fire? when is “done”? what am i even cooking there’s no picture and the only ingredients are honey and cornflower
turkish recipes: “if you do this, there’s really -REALLY- good change that you’ll die because everything is too spicy or too sweet but here we go”
romanian recipes: if you don’t already know the ingredients and directions by heart then what are we doing here
Brazilian recipes: make an extra sweet (preferably with chocolate) version of other culture’s food (sushis, hot dogs, pizzas, kibes, sfeehas, spaghetti made of chocolate; strawberry sashimis, banana burritos…)
American South recipes: put a stick of butter in it. Oh, you already put butter in? Well, bless your heart honey, but go ahead and put another stick of butter in there.
Polish Recipes: potato? Potato.
Lithuanian Recipes : You’ll need mushrooms from THIS EXACT forest , and good luck knowing what spices you need because every version of this recipe is different ,you’ll either cook it too long or too little and it won’t taste the way you remember it from childhood ADD MORE MUSHROOMS FROM THE ROOTS OF THE TWELFTH TREE IN THIS FOREST
Croatian recipes: add vegeta. did you put some vegeta? i need you to put some vegeta there
Hungarian recipes: add more paprika and/or sour cream. More. More. MORE. And if you mention that you find it too greasy/spicy, you’re disrespecting our ancestors back to Attila the Hun.
Cajun recipes: go out to the bayou and kill three aquatic animals at random. make a roux. cook the aforementioned three animals in the roux with the entire contents of your spice cabinet
Bukharan recipes: get some rice, add some meat, at least 4 vegetables, and a dried fruit. Layer it. Do you have the cooking towel? What do you mean you want the recipe written down?
austrian recipies: start with meat. that’s not enough meat. more grease. more meat. you think that’s enough grease? ok but have you considered intestines…. blood sausage… who can afford to waste a single hair of this pig? if you can’t handle more meat, just grind it and mix it with bread before adding it to the dish. needs more grease. fry it. is it black yet? hmm needs more butter. try a cheese coating. fry these onions. serve with sauerkraut
South Indian recipes : fry onions, add spices, blend it and turn it into a chutney.
Remember: everything can be turned into a chutney or a curry. Make sure you add enough chili powder, incase you think it isn’t enough, add some more…and then some more….. Just empty the bottle of chili powder.
If it’s not spicy enough, eat a raw chili and onion with your meal.
