Off on a Hero's Journey

i literally cannot convey how long i fucking laughed after i realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob

i really hope that this does not end up being the text post that defines my entire tumblr career

Ilya Rozanov can you hear me through the portal. Do you know about the Stanley Pup Ilya Rozanov. 32 puppies representing every team in the NHL. Ilya are you there.

okay but Shane takes a hit late in the game and doesn't return so in the post-game presser somebody (they're new, they don't know any better, they will never make this mistake again) asks Ilya "how's Hollander's head" and Ilya experiences every emotion at once as he wrestles with the lingering terror of seeing the love of his life take five seconds too long to get up (he's fine) and also the sheer delight at being offered this perfect, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity on a silver platter

Some of the categories for the NYT Connections fills me with hatred and wrath. What do you mean “dog breeds with the first letter changed” i’ll kill you

“This is how these words would be related if they were different words”

♪♫ Chocolate booooooobs, chocolate booooooobs. Every time I eat ice cream I end up with chocolate booooooobs ♫♪

I absolutely love the casting for the AOS movies because yeah Chris Pine kinda looks like a yassified Jim Kirk, and Zachary Quinto does look like a younger Spock. But then they looked at big, tall, broad shouldered, muscular action man Karl Urban and went. Yeah, I think he can play scrawny bean pole shrimp postured, looks like a light gust of wind would blow him away, Leonard McCoy. And by god, were they correct because it was like the spirit of Deforest Kelley himself possessed him to play Bones.

Urbanization contributed to Deforestation.

#that may legitimately be the worst pun i've ever read with my own two eyes

Galaxies are yurinating...

don't say it like that

scariest thing is when you're a kid in a huge family run by women and then you go over to a house that's deeply patriarchal & misogynistic. i remember when i was 8 years old and i got invited over to my friend's house for a big birthday party with her entire extended family. after the enormous lunch that served over 30 people, i got called into the kitchen to do literally hundreds of dishes, alongside all the other little girls and women. not only were the boys our age all excused from the meal to go play, but all the grown men went to the living room to watch sports together and drink. i couldn't believe it. i asked why some of the grownups were watching TV but the girls had to clean up and all the women just laughed and laughed at me.

as a teenager when i learned the word "sexist" and used it the older women balked at it and tried to convince me this arrangement was a good thing actually because women need space from men, and cleaning in the kitchen after parties is a sacred domain of safety. and i was like actually i think needing private safety from your own husbands, sons, and brothers sounds even worse. like do you understand you somehow made this even more troubling than it already was

like i think it's fine if a bunch of sister-in-laws/wives want time together without their husbands & brothers to talk together in camaraderie. i'm not judging that. obviously. but dare i ask why the women's meetup could only take place while doing manual labor for a nearby room full of men

Shane didn’t freak out during the tuna meltdown just because Ilya said his name. He freaked out because he said Ilya’s name. He could’ve let Ilya saying his first name slide, but no. He paused. Looked that man in the eyes and said Ilya’s name so emphatically because he meant that shit. And that scared him. Because Shane was not ready to confront the fact that he most definitely had feelings for a man. A man that was a fellow hockey player. A man that was his professional rival. A man he thought only saw him as a fuck buddy. Shane had no idea Ilya felt the same way. Ilya didn’t even know he felt the same way. Shane left because it was all being too real. He left because he didn’t want to leave. He left because he realized he was falling in love with Ilya and that scared him.

I know people wanted the post credit scene for the DnD movie to be the actors playing the game, but I think it would have been infinitely funnier if it was instead the characters at a table trying desperately to figure out the date for their next heist. Next weekend? No, there's a festival. Tuesday. No, have a tournament. Any time in the next month??? Nope, there's some noble that half the group already agreed to go rough up, they'll be out of town. Oh hey a letter from Xenk, he can come on Thursdays. Are you penpals with Xenk?! Don't worry about it.

I like to imagine that, partially due to the Hockey Robot stereotyping and partially due to his watertight media training, commentators are constantly going on about "What's going on in Hollander's head? What was Hollander thinking there? Can't help but wonder what the Metros' Captain has on his mind right now." and it's like. Well statistically speaking. Cock.