MFB

One time I came home from uni very upset and my younger siblings asked what's wrong. I said that mutated flies in our lab escaped because someone broke their jar. I didn't even realise how scary it sounded to them until I saw their faces lmao. I was upset because we were short on said flies (they don't reproduce very well) and my siblings thought that some crazy radioactive fly monsters escaped and we are all fucked now. Love being a mad scientist in their eyes lowkey

“All of us don’t have the same eyes” is my key takeaway here. This is 100 percent correct.

“Even a slightly increased possibility of summoning rain is still an ability to summon rain” is such a good point

find you a man who's an area of low pressure

Customer service, maaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn. So glad I don’t own a small business anymore.

getting lost in boston is fun because I turned around on a street corner three times and some guy yelled "hey stupid! the bus is that way!" very helpful interaction and accurate insult, 10/10 no notes

one time I walked around a building a couple times looking for a bathroom and this guy went "this bitch thinks she's on a merrygoround, where the fuck are you tryna go? bathroom? one floor down to the right behind the door that says bathroom."

My very first time in Boston. I was absolutely miserable, trying to drag my giant suitcase up a lengthy set of stairs in the pouring rain. This guy who had already reached the top looked back at me with the most pure expression of disgust I’ve ever seen in anyone’s eyes, marched back down the stairs, grabbed my suitcase, carried it to the top, left it there for me, and walked away without ever saying a word. I think about him often.

I feel like the main reason I never got into superhero comics was because I grew up in the 90s. Like, I would watch Spider-Man: The Animated Series and I would think "Oh wow, this is pretty cool; I wonder what the comics are like?" And then I'd go to the comics store, in amongst the covers of scantily clad Liefeldian T & A monstrosities with huge guns, and find the Spider-Man books, and it would be like "Clone Saga, month 13! Peter Parker was never the Real Spider-Man! And now he beats Mary Jane! But actually he is Spider-Man! Except he's not! But maybe...he is? Find out by collecting six concurrent Spider-Man titles, each priced at like $3 an issue (which is a lit of money when you're a kid in the 90s!) Also Doctor Octopus is currently dead! (He gets better)"

I didn't get into comics in the 80's because a comic was $1, took 10 minutes to read, and left me feeling like I read a chapter without context, while a second hand novel was $2, filled several hours, and told a whole story. It wasn't until I could borrow a bound collection of comics from the public library that it began to feel worthwhile.

I specifically LOVED the 90s Spider-Man TV show, but bounced off that stuff. Then, they promised to stop pulling that kind of shit at the end of the Clone Saga. So, I subscribed to Amazing Spider-Man for a few years. Then, they started starting stories in Spectacular Spider-Man and finishing them in Sensational Spider-Man and stuff, so I stopped subscribing and basically never bought a loose comic, instead of a collected graphic novel, again.

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

They’re eating ricotta in a way we did NOT choose to continue

This feels like if The Stuff (1985) was a renaissance painting.

Having a whole living room wall full of decorative crosses and crucifixes in your house is the spiritual equivalent of consistently taking antibiotics "just in case" and washing your hands with bleach. Not only are you not making anything better for yourself, I'm pretty sure that you're making things way, way worse for everyone.

Im just imagining a demon building up a holy resistance stat till they can slip past a crucifix purchased at target and slapped on the wall then eventually moving on to one that was actually blessed by a priest and starting the stat grinding all over again.

They've developed an immunity to christianity, you gotta find a shinto priest to cleanse your home to make them leave.

batmans secret special attack is offering all of his enemys henchmen a living wage and guaranteed healthcare

At a minimum, if you've got the sort of resume of a low level thug that could see you working for either, with Luthor, you're waiting around to fight Superman in an office or warehouse with, like, a break room and bad coffee, and a security office with a bunch of screens and a rolly chair. With the Joker, you're probably hanging out waiting to get stealth taken out by Batman in, like, an abandoned carnival on a Superfund site. You're in a condemned building sitting on a rusty merry-go-round horse breathing in cancer and hoping the boss remembers to rob a McDonalds on the way home to feed you.

I definitely make spaghetti sauce extremely wrong but I'm not going to stop

Absolurl I deranged, Derin. Food crimes.

It means. It means you cook em a little in a pan with a bit of oil first.

A pan? How many dishes do you want me to have to wash here?

I mean you can also do it in the same pot you're making the spaghetti sauce in! The important thing is the onions get a little cooked before the wet stuff goes in, so they're not so wet and limp and boiled....

Honestly this depends entirely on whether I remember to chop an onion first or I find the can opener for the tomatoes first. The ingredients go in in whatever order they go in.

Derin who hurt you

A pack of wild chefs herded my mother off a cliff

did ur mum get 2021 cruellaed

Yeah and now I'm in a war against food. I have to hunt down and kill Remy next.

I don't think you'll catch him. I think he'll smell that horrible sauce from miles afar and will run in the opposite direction. Jesus Christ Derin they sell sauce in jars you don't have to live like this.

I'm not buying that stuff I am a fancy chef

Oh I might have forgotten to add. When you do the onion, you also spoon in a completely random amount of jarred garlic.

Just to add to the chorus of horror, I think your stove is probably on it's last legs. If I did this on HIGH on my stove it would absolutely burn before it managed to cook.

sorry to everyone out there who thinks they have the funniest tshirt but i think i can confidently say i just saw the actual funniest tshirt just now. i passed by a beautiful black woman with long multicolor braids blowing majestically in the beach breeze & she was wearing an oversized tshirt that said in gigantic letters "WHITE BOY OF THE YEAR"

The funniest T-shirt I ever saw was a HEAVILY pregnant woman wearing a shirt that said "I Woke Up Like This".

We're spending a couple weeks in the upstate of New York with my parents and boy howdy are they being reintroduced into deals in a very big and aggressive way

"PAPA YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THE DEALS!!"

lately my kids have been playing Baby Knife, which consists of somebody acting as a baby with knife hands chasing people while going "baby knife baby knife" over and over. is this a thing or are they just insane

we have a new teacher this year who has never had kindergarten before & she rounded em all up & told em No Baby Knife and No Zombies and idk how to tell her that 1. all kindergarten recess games boil down to Give Birth And Kill Each Other and 2. the absurd vaguely inappropriate games they make up are usually better than when they try to play an Actual game like soccer

Baby Knife is straightforward. theres a baby knife. baby knife chases you. thats about it. when they try to play Real Sports every single child is playing by a different set of rules unbeknownst to the others and none of them are playing by the Actual rules. everybody is mad at everybody else and running up to tell on their colleagues for cheating every 3 minutes. this doesnt happen when they play Baby Knife

We were incredibly boring. We played "murder ball" which was just Capture the Flag over the whole school grounds (outdoors only) and violence was permitted using the ball.

We played a version of freeze tag where when you were frozen you became a toilet and in order to be unfrozen someone would have to sit on you and then flush (ie use the toilet)

I don't recall inventing any games, but Red Rover was just an excuse to clothesline people or whip them to the ground as hard as you could. There were monkey bar wars, too. You'd start at opposite ends, then leg wrestle in the middle.