Long Liv the Moose

Like when Gandalf spent literal PAGES trying to figure out why the vibes were off in Moria and Legolas chimes in with just "it's a balrog :) that shit's evil :) we're so fucked :)" like what do you MEAN you knew already and just didn't tell him??

Or at the beginning of Two Towers when Aragorn thinks there's something nearby so he puts his ear to the ground to listen, and then like 10 minutes later is like "hmmm i hear horses" and Legolas is just like "mm yep. there are 105 blond bitches with spears" like you just let your friend put his face in the dirt and you can SEE them??

gandalf is scratching his head in moria, and legolas is thinking "oh man, the wizard noticed something off *besides* the obvious balrog that we all are aware of??"

The pit courtyard or sunken courtyard (地坑院dikengyuan), traditional Chinese courtyard on the Loess Plateau.

Cnetizen showing the interior of a dikengyuan—renovated for nowadays living (cr住在森林深处的小精灵)

galadriel's been around since the beginning, like, for pretty much all of middle-earth's history you understand, she has Seen it all and despite what you may have been led to believe is at all times this close to snapping. also the reason lothlorien is so chill is she has this magic ring that makes it so the whole place exists slightly outside normal time

i can't emphasize enough how much of a post-apocalyptic horror story thranduil lives in. homeland destroyed and half his people massacred. has fucken sauron in his backyard and the spawn of the primordial beast that eats light puttering about on his lawn. a dragon lives next door. does NOT have a magic ring and is therefore obliged to rule over his murderforest in normal time

just so we're all on the same page here, legolas' day job before joining the fellowship was to hunt the spawn of the primordial beast that eats light and it's not like, a big deal or anything. he just has to do it. he's used to it.

(kinda wanted to title this "italian cocks and where to find them" but... you know...)

So, we have covered "sti cazzi" here. Let's move on to the many uses of this amazing word and all the idioms derived from it.

--

cazzo = literally, "dick/cock". As an exclamation (cazzo!), it equates the English "fuck!"

'sto cazzo = (lit. "this dick") - no way! ; conveys refusal, disagreement. e.g.: "Will you lend me money?" "Sto cazzo!"

un cazzo = (lit. "a dick") - nothing, no amount of smth.; e.g.: "non c'é un cazzo da fare" = "there's nothing left to do about it"

che cazzo...? = (lit. "what dick...?") - what the fuck...?; just as the English equivalent, can be used alone or to ask about what's going on, e.g.: "che cazzo stai facendo?" = "what the fuck are you doing?"

eccheccazzo! = (lit. "what dick!") - what the fuck!; exclamation variant of the idiom above

cazzata = bullshit or cock-up, depending on context. e.g.: "stai dicendo una cazzata" = "what you're saying is bullshit" ; "ho fatto una cazzata" = "I screwed up"

cazzone = (lit. "big dick") jackass, stupid/unreliable individual. e.g.: "Anderson è un cazzone" = "Anderson is a wanker"

testa di cazzo/faccia di cazzo = respectively, dickhead and dickface. As simple as that.

a cazzo di cane = (lit. "as a dog's dick") - said of something done hastily, with poor results. e.g.: "Anderson lavora a cazzo di cane" = "Anderson works very poorly"

a cazzo duro = (lit. "with a hard dick") - to take action with great confidence and resolution.

cazzuto = adj.; (someone) badass, ballsy.

del cazzo = (lit. "of the dick") - something of poor quality. e.g: "E' proprio un film del cazzo" = "That's a terrible film"

cazzi amari/acidi = (lit. "bitter/sour dicks") - troubles, problems. e.g.: "Ora sono cazzi amari!" = "Now you're gonna face big troubles!"

farsi i cazzi propri/degli altri = (lit. "to mind your own/other people's dicks") - to mind your own/other people's business.

incazzarsi = verb; to get upset/angry.

incazzoso = adj.; someone who gets angry very easily and/or is looking to pick a fight

stare sul cazzo = (lit. "to be on someone's dick") - to be unlikeable/unpleasant to someone. e.g.: "Mary mi sta sul cazzo" = "I find Mary annoying/disagreeable"

levarsi dal cazzo = (lit. "to get out of someone's dick") - to get out of the way, to piss off.

sbattersene il cazzo = (lit. "to slap your own dick") - to not give a shit.

rompere il cazzo = (lit. "to break someone's dick") - to be annoying, irritating. Accordingly, it can be said of someone that they're a "rompicazzo".

scazzare = verb; to argue/have a fall-out with someone.

essere scazzati = verb; to be upset/in a bad mood.

cazziare = verb; to scold/reprimand someone. It results in a "cazziatone": an earful, an ass-kicking.

cazzeggiare = verb; to faff around, to laze around

fancazzista = (lit. "no-dicks-doer") - a lazy person.

sarcazzo! = (lit. "the dick knows!") - exclamation, when confronted with something unknown, imperscrutable. Only god knows! (eheh)

coi controcazzi = (lit. "with the counterdicks") - said of something/someone that is top-quality. "Greg è un detective coi controcazzi" = "Greg is a very capable detective"

cazzo me ne frega? = (lit. "what dick do I mind?") - I don't give a shit.

cagacazzo/i = (lit. "dick-shitter") - someone annoying (see: "rompicazzo")

grazie al cazzo! = (lit. "thanks to the dick!") - sarcastic thank you in reply to something utterly obvious.

supercazzola = term invented by Ugo Tognazzi and popularized by the film "Amici miei", it's a string of non-sense sentences aimed at bamboozling the listener. In everyday use, it can define a long-winded, meaningless speech.

... and I'm not even going into all the different regional terms referring to the male genitalia. There are *a lot* of dicks in Italy, and they're widespread.

and then there's the big outlier: the Veneto region, with its preference for... female anatomy (right, @kettykika78?) XD

Hollywood, call me. I can have this script done on a weekend.

Check out the bonus panel on the site!

SMBC ◆ PATREON ◆ INSTAGRAM ◆ BLUESKY ◆ STORE

Cat and kitten door knocker, Clun, England

This unusual door knocker from Clun, England, features a mother cat carrying her kitten — sculpted in cold, weathered bronze, yet full of tenderness.

But then. THEN. This fuckass twink descendant of my mortal enemies picks up my amulet. Takes right out of the sacred chamber. I guess it was finally a ruin now? Worse timing possible, too late to stop me going insane and right before the insanity could pay off.

Anyway I'm not going to kill him right away. Where's the satisfaction in that? He's the last descendant of my enemies (pretty sure) so of course I gotta drag it out. This is the only revenge I might ever get. I'll have to capture him. Keep him sealed away for a long time, see how he likes it. But like. In a nicer placed than that fucking chamber because unlike some long dead assholes, I have standards. Plus I'm also going to spending a lot of my time there too, menacing him and shit, so it better be nice for me.

I'm thinking summer house on an otherwise uninhabited island. I keep him there where there are no dragons or ogres or demon kings to interrupt, and I tell him all about the shitty things his ancestors did, to like. Demoralize him. So that he knows that even though I'm a scary evil creature that's going to be his ending, he doesn't get as much moral high ground as he'd probably like. I make him eat meals with me just to draw out the tension, and then I give him nightmares, making him twist and writhe in his sweat-soaked sheets while his heart hammers against his ribs and he wonders if this will finally be the night I finish him.

Maybe I'll even let them visit him in his woeful imprisonment afterwards as well. Just to really hammer the point home. They're not the worst company, at least. Not as annoying as heroes used to be. We can have them over for dinner while I lord my victory above their helplessness. Real power move to just let them come and see the guy that they are nevertheless unable to free from my dark clutches.

Those guys were supposed to be dead for centuries! And they're still ruining my life! Fucking. That fuckass other descendant managed to summon them and of course THEY are still not cool with me or my dark forces, although I'm going to be real, they weren't looking too noble and above-aboard themselves when they turned up. That was some hypocritical undead revenant bullshit.

Of course I ended up fighting them. They attacked first! Again! They were even trying to kill their own descendant! And those heinous bitches called me the monster. I've never tried to kill my own descendants. Probably because I don't have any but still. At least try and take over his body first or something!

Well actually they did try it, I think? But that hero of theirs had worn my amulet for so long that he was too corrupted for it to work. Ha!

Small victories.

I'm going to need to hang onto those.

Because now I'm sealed back in the fucking Chamber Eternal again.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING---!!!!

Okay.

Alright.

I'm not going to lie this isn't looking good. I'm not in the amulet anymore but the seals on the chamber are strong, made with the souls of those fuckdamn ancient heroes. All my power is left with their descendant on the outside now. My plans are thwarted. I'm going to languish in this minimalist hell of a chamber until those ancient souls run out of juice, and currently they're forming a dome of spiritual energy so flush with power that the ghosts on the moon can probably see it.

I was really confused at first because, why would my sworn enemy who I've been plotting vengeance against this entire time free me from the chamber? At great effort and personal risk, no less? That fight was absolutely brutal, I'm not sure I could have even done it myself in his place, and I mean his situation without even bothering was quite good. He had all of my power. His ancestors were likewise distracted with sealing me away. He could have ascended to become the next Dark Lord or, I don't know, ran around doing his Power of Friendship bullshit for the next ten thousand years largely uncontested. Not only does he not have a further use for me but if anything, I present a massive threat to him if I can regain enough strength to take my power back.

But I think that's it! That Power of Friendship bullshit! Somehow, this guy has mistaken me for an ally.

I can work with this.

As long as he doesn't suspect that we're actually enemies, I can bide my time, restore my power, wrestle control of my armies back from his grasp, and then get him back on his knees.

I'm almost starting to wonder if he really is descended from those ancient hero fuckers, he doesn't act like them at all. The apple must have rolled into a goddamn river and been carried off to sea after it fell off that tree.

Such a strong political alliance with the ruling family will further cement my hero's power in this region. Potentially, that will make it even harder to extricate him for my own purposes later on. Of course, it's not worth the risk if I do something too extreme and it gets traced back to me, so I can't simply kill the prince.

But I didn't study medicine at my grandmother's knee just to forget all the useful bits in my dark rise to power. That idiot won't be riding out to adventure alongside his 'sworn brother' tomorrow if he has too many embarrassing rashes to get into his saddle.

Cats are one of nature's most successful predators. Properly trained, a dark familiar is an excellent spy and helper, and I am in need of every advantage I can get right now. Everyone knows the best way to ingratiate yourself to animals is to get them young. Feeding kittens is a sinister action.

The only one allowed to strip him and put him in chains is me!!! ME!!! He's mine!!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FIRST TO DO THAT TO HIM!!!

Bastards! Hacks!

Odysseus: Regret it why?

Cassandra: You won’t believe me if I tell you. If I prophecy, nobody believes me. That is my curse.

Odysseus: … I’m Nobody. Fill me in. 

*A couple of months later* 

Odysseus: HELLO PENELOPE, I AM HERE PRECISELY ON TIME AND NOT YEARS LATE incidentally I rescued and adopted a Trojan seer while I was away, she’s great, got me home really fast, Cassandra this is your new mother who’s not going to treat you like shit. 

Penelope: … I’m going to need more details, but okay, sure.