I have always been a gainer, constantly gaining weight while feeling completely satisfied with my body. Years passed until I finally succeeded in reaching my initial goal of 200 kg. At that point, nothing changed in my routine; my lifestyle, the types of food I ate, and several other factors remained exactly the same, and my weight kept climbing. I was enjoying the expansion, but deep down, I began to realize that this weight was becoming more than I actually wanted. I didn't care too much at first, but the increase became remarkably noticeable in my clothing sizes, my bulk, and my mobility. I decided to step on the scale, and it was a total shock: my weight had reached 239 kg. I was stunned by how my weight could jump all these kilograms without me even noticing.
At that exact moment, I made a firm decision to go on a diet. I started eating healthy by using an air fryer, relying on zero-calorie drinks, and moving and walking much more. I began to feel lighter and more energetic, and I felt a wave of happiness in those moments from being in control of the situation. However, the moment I saw the rich, delicious food I prefer, or when the nostalgia for that old feeling of fullness and comfort took over, or when I saw other gainers online enjoying their weight gain journeys, I would find myself completely surrendering to food all over again. I would order my favorite meals and devour the food as if I wanted nothing else in this world but the pleasure of eating and filling my stomach. I would even keep eating more and more until I reached the point of heavy stuffiness, spending an exciting, pleasurable time with my massive belly.
When that feeling of excitement faded after a few hours, a harsh sense of regret would begin to gnaw at me for ruining my diet, wishing I hadn't done it. Yet on that very same day, I would find myself deeply sad, but ironically, I would escape that sadness by consuming large amounts of my favorite food once again. I don't truly know the nature of this feeling; is it escaping from thinking about the situation and yielding entirely to desire, or is it a beautiful surrender?
Later, I stood on the scale only to find the number pointing to 234 kg. I felt terribly disappointed; after all those days of dieting and exercising, I had barely lost any weight. This is when I started creating excuses for myself: "My previous goal of 200 kg wasn't necessarily a hard rule... maybe I should just accept this weight and maintain it as it is." In just two days, I fell in love with my body at 234 kg, and I no longer wanted to go down. Goodbye to the diet and healthy food for now; perhaps a little delicious food would bring back my happiness, and maybe I would just enjoy food for this week only. After the week ended, I would tell myself, "I am a fat person anyway, it's okay to enjoy food for a while."
Days passed... until I reached a stage where I could no longer wear my clothes comfortably or properly cover my stomach, and I had to physically lift and adjust my belly with my hands just to position it right under my clothes. I stepped on the scale again, and I was shocked by a new number: 261 kg. I looked at myself in the mirror, and the size of my belly was much bigger than I thought; it was massive, sagging, and rolling around like a completely independent part of my body. I told myself that I had become morbidly obese in a scary way; my old goal was to get a round, protruding belly, not a massive mass of fat hanging down in front of me and from my sides. I had surpassed my previous goal not just in numbers, but even in the actual shape of the belly I had imagined.
I decided to return to dieting, and it wasn't easy at all. Three months of commitment passed, during which I felt lighter and stronger, and my weight reached 248 kg. I stood in front of the mirror to see the results, but I didn't feel satisfied at all; my body had sagged a bit, my belly looked even larger than before, and I felt that the weight I lost had only drained from my face and limbs, not from my stomach. It was psychologically exhausting for such unrewarding results.
I started following heavy individuals online who were sharing their weight loss journeys, and I saw how severely loose their skin became. In reality, I never wanted to get rid of my weight completely; I just wanted to go back to 200 kg. But losing 60 kg now would make my body look deflated and saggy, and the skin around my waist had already stretched wide and could not be fixed. Therefore, I felt it was better to accept things as they were right now. I stopped the diet and went back to my normal life, not eating excessively to gain, but not monitoring my body either, reasoning that I had plenty of other work and responsibilities to focus on instead of my weight.
Years passed, and I began to feel that the width of my waist had become so immense that it would literally bump into the sides of doorframes as I walked through. I stepped on my scale at home, but it just displayed an "Error" message because it couldn't handle the weight. I went to the doctor, and there came the ultimate shock that I had never imagined in my life: my weight was 314 kg. I had broken the 300 kg barrier, and here we were.
The doctor strictly advised me to go on a diet to save what could be saved, and with commitment, my weight gradually dropped to 282 kg. But, as usual, I truly stopped keeping up with that restrictive diet; I became careful about food portions without depriving myself, but without even realizing it, I found myself standing today at 292 kg.
Here we are, heading right back up into the climb.
I discovered deep within me that an eternal battle is raging inside: logic tells me to lose weight to preserve my health and mobility, while desire screams at me, saying, "Enjoy the present moment, the food, and the overwhelming feeling of fullness."
In every moment of sadness I experienced, there was a profound happiness found in food...
And in every moment of happiness and fullness, a bitter moment of regret was born...
A continuous war takes place between these moments, and it seems that my desires are the ones that always win in the end.
tangentwithtanner
dailybridgerton
areudirty
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
stormborns
