Lives ruined and blood shed.

Stop letting your heart and your pussy choose your men.

I’m confused, what is left…

Oh nvm lmao my brain. You right sis lol you is right

You really forgot your whole brain.

she read this post with her pussy

i still lose it every time i see this post because someone let a fucking goose into their house just because tumblr said to and if that doesn’t perfectly define all of our experiences on this shitty excuse for a website i dont know what does  

How else would you pet the goose if you did not let him in?

This is legiterally the funniest thing snl has done in decades

they cut it because of the ONE gay reference

both of these sketches were written by julio torres - here’s his twitter

Omg 😂

I just want you all to know that my dramatic 6 year old ass would have loved all of this shit.

I’m the dramatique™ hand to face moment in the broken mirror.

“I WON, I HAVE YOUR DADDY WRAPPED AROUND MY FINGER.”

My pussy is fat my heart is fatter got a tiny brain made of snickerdoodle batter

holy shit

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

fun fact this special scared so many kids so fucking badly (b/c the blair witch aspect was played weirdly straight) that CN never aired it again 

you’re telling me this is real and not a shitpost

I hope to one day exude as much raw energy as this man does.

the god of chaos

What color is his shirt

A WHAT

i fucking lost it when she opened the fridge

‪What part of “i don’t wanna spend anymore money” don’t I understand

I think the fact that two men on Queer Eye have started dating women who were already in their lives should clue men into the fact that there could be women in their lives that care for them deeply and even romantically, and would date them, if they knew that dating wouldn’t include being their fucking mother and teaching them the basics of taking care of themselves as a grown ass adult.

For a second I thought you meant two of the main guys and I got immensely confused

whoever did this, thank you.

I am all about this…

HOW THE FUCK IS HE THE SMALL ONE?!?!

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson and his family are why people used to fear Scandinavians. Holy Shit.

HE’S SIX FOOT NINE AND HE’S THE SMALL ONE

He is also one of the strongest men in the world

6′9″ AND IS STILL THE SHORT ONE!

Scandinavia, home of giants