hello! this is an introduction post because after a while here i am FINALLY doing things that aren't just reblogging. however the vast majority of what is On This Blog are reblogs. i don't talk a lot on here
anyways,
tags i use: #silver talks for once for my original posts, #silver writes for, well. my writing
my ao3 -> typeset
no idea if i'll move off of tumblr but if i do, i'll throw my cohost or something onto here probably?
further tags under these two categories with a bunch of posts + a bit more Stuff:
#fairytale fic - an in-progress fic, centered around edgejeanist from mha/bnha in an original world of mine. all lore is handmade by me (DISCONTINUED)
#tragedy fic - an in-progress fic, on ao3 (link here) also centered around edgejeanist. inspired by the concept of the not-them and the stranger from tma (ON HIATUS)
i forgot the tags for my other old edgejeanist stuff, but shoot me an ask and i'll see what i can do if you're interested!
#anon asketh - anon asks. i have not gotten an ask thats not on anon but if i do they'll be tagged with this too. (i have gotten many asks that are not on anon now!)
#not-anon asketh asks that... aren't on anon. yeah
smut/not sfw content will be tagged appropriately (usually with #smut/nsft and under the mature tag tumblr added. often, they [meaning the whole thing] will be put on ao3 and not tumblr)
#silver's polls - polls yeah. nods wisely
#oc: NAME HERE - my oc tag. currently i think lin anping might be the only one?
i usually dont tag reblogs so good luck finding those buddy. exceptions for random posts i tag #CHARACTERNAMEHERE with. i should start doing this more
i love asks. send me asks. they are so fun to answer in all types and kinds!!!
also: as you might be able to tell, i am currently fixating on edgejeanist and most original content will probably be for them! | it's now svsss. hello liu qingge. i didn't expect you. jeanist and shinya will always have a place within my heart. make way kids you've got a new roommate | i didn't expect star wars niche character #1293820302 but what can i say!! the heart wants what it wants
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Back when I was in university we were asked to do a brief research exercise on a health condition impacting a community. Can't remember what I wanted to look at now, but it was something to do with the trans community.
Whatever it was, to put it this way, if there were 10 studies on the trans community as a whole, there were 3 on trans women and trans fems and 0 on trans men and trans mascs, and 0 on nonbinary people. All of the mixed studies were also pretty much useless for my purposes as well because they were all so lopsided.
I think I swapped to a bunch of different things - addiction rates, smoking, depression, mental health in general - nothing that was even roughly equal in looking at all of us. Trans men, trans mascs and nonbinary people are so under researched as to be nonexistent.
To keep this brief since I've rambled a bunch - this is a major issue health wise since we have not a lot of literature on what testosterone does to certain bodies. This can lead to major health complications, not because of the testosterone itself, but because there might be an interaction thats missed or a complication that's not noticed (which is the same for any medication that's under researched on certain bodies. This is not me scaring people off of hrt, this is me pointing out its a medication like any other.)
#the therapist who wrote my permission slip for hrt was a trans man#and during that appointment we talked about the erasure of trans men from basically everything#and i talked about an article i had read a week or so earlier about trans people and hiv#it very in depth about risks prevention treatment etc#except that it exclusively referenced trans women with a single sentence at the end basically saying 'oh trans men are at risk too'#less than a year later i saw that same therapist speaking at an hiv organization fundraising event#he talked about how he had just recently been diagnosed with hiv#and had to sit there while this doctor told him all about how the treatment options had never been tested on trans men#none of them#they knew that the treatment would work#but not how effective it would be in comparison to its effectiveness in other demographics#no idea what kind of side effects he might experience#how it would interact with his body and his hormones#what the long term effects would be#nothing#he had to sit there while his doctor told him he would have to be a guinea pig but its not like he has a choice#the only alternative is dying from aids#that whole thing was kind of a wake up call for me#and i started paying more attention getting tested regularly myself and all that sruff you're supposed to do#and over time i befriended the person who did most of my testing#they were also trans masc and we would talk about this kind of stuff#and i told them i wanted to get on prep but every doctor i asked had a wildly different answer on if i even could take it#which verison i could take etc#and they said that only one form of prep has been approved fot trans men but its never actually been tested on trans men#and that one version isnt good for long term use because it has some pretty serious side effects long term#and they said that they regularly go to conferences and meet with representatives from all these drug companies#and they ask 'wheres the data on trans men' 'when are you doing clinical studies on trans men'#and the answer#every single time is: we have not done any studies on trans men and we have no intention to ever do studies on trans men#this is not some passive result of trans masc invisibility it is an active act of erasure that needs to be recognized as an act of violence
I've been thinking about the post-chapter 5 discourse around Susie's relationship with the dark world - where the (more or less) obvious theme prediction is that centering her life around escapism so much will be very unhealthy for her - and I have an alternative theory on this idea now.
My theory is that actually, toby fox is trying to frame this situation as a GOOD thing.
It's very easy to look at her literally living in the dark world and be afraid that it's a trap or is going to backfire, but today this situation reminded me of real-life situations that are analogous to hers: online fandoms*.
*(this theory might also work for other types of communities but stick with me)
There are so many stories of people who talk about their fandom being their lifeline, about making friends, having something giving their life meaning and happiness, improving them as people, and sometimes literally saving their life. As soon as Susie entered the dark world, she was given the chance to make friends and have something to really make her happy for once, and she has been improving as a person (and a lot of it was simply just giving her a proper chance)! Her literally living there seems like an analogy to how these people cling to their fandoms as their lifeline, pouring every spare moment they have into it, and it gets them to a BETTER place as a result, despite the fears of going too far; it seems quite often, that this simply doesn't end up being the case.
There's also further similarities between these dark worlds and online spaces. There are so many people out there in the world that we never get to see, never would get to talk to or even fathom that they exist, other than a vague feeling of the world being a big place with a lot of people in it. But when we enter an online community, those people suddenly come to life for us. We all get a name and an avatar, giving us form, and share an experience together that we enjoy, our dark worlds. Often some of those communities we close for good, but sometimes we keep some of the friends we made while still in them...our recruits? :) And then we find new fandoms and start the whole thing over again, just like Kris opening new dark worlds that hold new adventures and new friends. Toby hard-pushing the idea that the Darkners are real people and not just "objects" really makes a lot of sense in this context too. To some people, the internet is just a screen, but we know we are talking to real people, even if it looks a little different.
Susie living in the school dark world is giving her a home where she had none, friends when she struggled with making any, and a chance to be the better person a part of her already wanted to be, even when no one else in her "real" life saw her as anything worthwhile. Sure, she still has another life she has to maintain, and dark world food doesn't actually keep you full, but she has OTHER needs that ARE being met. And I'm sure many of us can relate.
Yeah, this is currently my interpretation of the subtext
and just text at this point
She's been treated as completely undesirable, scary, and dangerous. just the idea anyone could ever like her back is new to her, and Noelle had to spell it out for her in a very direct way, and even then Susie is still worried that someone like her just can't ever make a relationship work.
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ppl on this website will say that those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it and then recycle the same "This Marginalized Queer Group Is Actually Bad And It's Actually Okay To Bully Them And Harass Them" discourse every year like clockwork
historical silence of an entire demographic should fill you with horror, fear, and dread, wondering "what happened here?", and not blanket assumptions that nothing happened at all. there is no mass demographic of human beings who simply sit around and do nothing, have no history, have no stories. if an entire demographic has its history missing, there is a reason for that. and that reason is damn near always violent.
tvlandofficiall made a really great post here on the titans, and at the end they write a great reflection on Deltarune's probable future relationship with "the fear of the dark".
I completely agree with the idea that Deltarune will eventually question the idea of pushing away the dark as a "threat", and I also want to push at it from a different angle. In Deltarune, darkness is a symbol of transformation and change. Dark fountains reshape static rooms into living, breathing worlds, where objects that previously had one form can exist and interact in radically new ways. The lightners who enter dark fountains are given spaces where they can reexamine their behaviors and move past them, growing as people for the better - or, in some cases, for the worse. A previously dead character, Gerson, is briefly "revived" through darkness, and is able to (with some help) deliver the words he never could before to his son. Darkness, like water, is fluid, and invites the world to be fluid as well.
So a fear of darkness within Deltarune, then, is also the fear of change. It is the fear of what lies outside the circle of what you see, what you know - what could be lurking across the horizon. The titans are a physical embodiment of what we fear about the darkness, and the fact that they destroy the world during the Roaring, an event that covers the world in darkness, is not a coincidence. The passive fountains crystallized into an active physical form, the Titans embody the fear that inviting in change will lead to the destruction of everything you know and love, leaving nothing behind.
But. Does this mean we should push away the darkness? Should we treat change as a threat and instead sit in our bubbles of light that we know and love, where its comfortable and not scary and nothing changes like Carol does and wishes to keep doing? No, because change is important and necessary. As shown through Deltarune, embracing the new is how we grow. As Noelle says about Susie, some things are the good kind of scary.
TRANS PEOPLE CONSIDERING SURGERY- READ THIS PLEASE GENUINELY I AM BEGGING YOU IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
If you are getting gender affirming surgery, especially if it’s your first major surgery, PLEASE be aware that you can become SEVERELY depressed afterwards ESPECIALLY if you have a history of depression or suicidal ideation.
Post op depression is a natural reaction to the crazy mix of hormones your body goes through after major surgery as well as the stress and anxiety of recovery. Think of it like an adrenaline crash, but dragged out longer.
For me it kicked in about 6 weeks after top surgery and the worst of it lasted until about 10 weeks post op. EVERYTHING felt IMPOSSIBLE. None of the skills I’d been practicing worked. I thought everything was going to be bad forever. I didn’t attempt, but I was in the hospital. If it wasn’t for my support system I probably would have attempted.
This is not regret, but it can feel like it. I remain happy about my results to this day (going on six years later).
This is not you failing to maintain your mental health, but it can make you feel like a failure.
Things are not hopeless, but through the haze of this depression they can feel hopeless.
It can be terrifyingly sudden or it can sneak up on you. I didn’t even realize what was going on until after the depression finally passed and my mental health went back to normal.
I am writing this post because nobody told me about this before my top surgery. I was caught completely off guard. For my subsequent surgeries being aware has made all the difference. Being able to treat those symptoms as an expected and normal part of the healing journey has made them far easier to deal with. Because even when my emotions go to dark places I *know* they will pass. I have been able to tell the bad thoughts to take a bad seat and focus on healing.
PLEASE have a plan in place for if this happens. I know that this topic is taboo because of how often our mental health is weaponized against us, but I desperately want every single person getting gender affirming surgery to be aware of, and have a plan for post operative depression.
I remember years ago, long enough ago that I was still using either Tiktok or Instagram regularly, because that's where I saw this, long enough ago that unfortunately I do not remember the username, I saw an older trans woman responding to a comment asking "how come we see trans women from your generation, but never trans men?" And her response was simple. "Unfortunately, it's because most of them are dead." Between lack of safe and legal abortions (which, hey, look what's an issue again), the HIV/AIDs crisis (which still is lacking in approved treatments for trans men, and they're still likely to be denied PrEP/PEP even when they should be eligible as sexually active queer men), and how many of them chose to take their own lives after being forced into marriages and other women's roles, a lot of the trans men that should be elderly right now did not make it.
And now, when I find myself making the mistake of going on Instagram, I get to see trans men themselves talking about how historically, trans men didn't do anything for the community, and so we need to step up now. Which, first of all, that isn't true, but second of all, if trans men's contributions are lesser, that makes a lot of sense if we listen to that trans woman talking about the trans men she was in community with back in the day. It's very hard to advance the trans cause if you're not alive.
Anyway. It's a really chilling answer. "Where are all the elderly trans men?" "They're dead." And I just wish more people saw that tiktok and listened to it and really took it to heart, now that we're in the age of "well obviously trans men have it so much easier."
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It sucks there seems to be a concerted effort to distance the transfem and transmasc communities from each other. If it weren’t for trans women, I probably wouldn’t have realized I was trans until much later in life.
The cis women in my life were so miserable in their womanhood, I thought that misery was normal. Seeing trans women actually love and fight to be seen as women made me question my own misery
I deeply appreciate that Dr. Mensah Goes To Therapy For The Whole “Being Kidnapped And Almost Murdered” Thing is an important plot point depicted with sympathy and emotional weight
but can you IMAGINE being her therapist
Therapist: it’s in the past. The corporate powers can’t reach you on Preservation. Your reactions are designed to keep you alive and aware of it happening again, but they take root even where they are no longer needed; process them, thank them, and let them know they can’t harm you. Know that you are safe, Preservation is safe, and it won’t happen again. You can be able to say, is this fear supported by my present reality? No one is going to get kidnapped.
Mensah: hang on I’m getting a call I have to take this
Mensah:
Mensah: my daughter, my brother-in-law, and several of my friends just got kidnapped by murderous raiders
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it really is kind of interesting how attached people are to the idea of the improvised line and the genuine reaction in film. nearly every single famous moment or line has some sort of claim floating around that it wasn't in the script and was either made up on the spot by an actor or was sprung as a surprise on the actors to get their 'real' reaction. you know, sometimes people do come up with good lines in advance and write them down, and sometimes people can pretend to be have a convincing emotional response on screen
