I think it's interesting that when a show writer makes a misogynistic show and she's a cis woman, people go "Oh, she's a misogynistic woman", but when a show writer makes a misogynistic show and she's a trans woman, people go "Oh she probably used to be a Male Abuser, are we sure she has unlearned her Male Socialization, are we sure 'she' is even Really a woman and isn't just saying that to deflect criticism?"
Like I don't know, doesn't anyone else find it really fucking insidious? The implicit belief that trans women are more likely than cis women to be misogynistic, or that when trans women are misogynistic it's because they "used to be (or perhaps even still are) men"?
Women, all kinds of women, can be misogynistic, because we live in a misogynistic society that drills misogynistic tropes and biases into every single human beings head from birth and need to be actively unlearned, a trans woman being misogynistic doesn't 'prove' anything except that she, like many many cis women, is a misogynistic woman.
But of course, trans women always have to be held to this higher level of scrutiny, don't they?
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Y'all I appreciate all the kind words, but some of you are really teetering into "I think all trans women & fems are transandrophobic & exorsexist" territory with your submissions...
It's not very affirming to hear the same "I'm so glad I FINALLY found a trans woman who ISNT a HORRIBLE BIGOT" over and over again...imagine if you received the same thing but flipped. "It's so refreshing to see a enban who isn't transmisogynistic!" "It's so refreshing to see a trans man/transmasc who includes transfems!"
Y'all I appreciate all the kind words, but some of you are really teetering into "I think all trans women & fems are transandrophobic & exorsexist" territory with your submissions...
It's not very affirming to hear the same "I'm so glad I FINALLY found a trans woman who ISNT a HORRIBLE BIGOT" over and over again...imagine if you received the same thing but flipped. "It's so refreshing to see a enban who isn't transmisogynistic!" "It's so refreshing to see a trans man/transmasc who includes transfems!"
the assumption that nonbinary people dont medically transition/are "cissexual" is exorsexist in nature but are we ready to talk about that or are we still on that "all binary trans people have medically transitioning in common and all nonbinary trans people dont medically transition"
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so do people know that multiple trans people across the US have reported that their pharmacists have arbitrarily denied them testosterone prescriptions, either because "you need authorization" or "company policy" or, in states where its legal, because they don't feel comfortable giving it to them.
i wouldn't be surprised if its also common for this to happen with estrogen, i found one news story on a trans woman experiencing this, but looking it up there seems to be a LOT of cases of this happening with testosterone. which makes me suspect people feel empowered to do this with T in particular because of its criminalized status. regardless, i do not see this brought up much! and i think we should discuss it more, at the very least to prepare people in case they experience this, so they know how to handle the situation.
examples below the cut for length:
Walgreens says pharmacist was uncomfortable with injection method
For Tristan Martin, a 34-year-old trans man living in North Austin, that fear became a reality last week when a Walgreens pharmacist refused to fill his testosterone prescription.
Martin says his pharmacistâs explanation for not filling his prescription was that she was uncomfortable with the doctorâs instruction that the medicine be administered subcutaneously, meaning as a shallow injection under the skin. But, as Martin explained to the pharmacist, heâs taken the same meds for four years, with the same method, and never heard such an objection. Plus, Martin said that the pharmacist was only being asked to provide the testosterone itself, not the equipment necessary to administer it. He later attempted to reach Walgreensâ pharmacy department and store manager to ask about the situation but wasnât able to reach anyone and never got any calls back.
A store employee told the Chronicle they could not address the dispute. Tristanâs wife, Hayden Martin, said she received an apology from a Walgreens regional healthcare supervisor, after the supervisor contacted her on May 23. âHe said there was absolutely wrongdoing and that itâs going to get figured out,â Hayden said. âHe said he was going to reach out to the higher-ups and heâs going to let me know by Friday what happens.â
Hayden Martin told us she was able to contact the pharmacist in question two days after the refusal to fill the prescription. âShe would not give a reason as to why she felt the doctor was wrong,â Hayden said. âAnd she said, âIâm not comfortable filling it for âher.â So automatically the assumption is that itâs just an issue of her not being comfortable with the fact that itâs testosterone for a trans man. So I, of course, asked her if this was the reason â because heâs a trans man â and she got very defensive and denied it. And then I tried asking for her name and her license number and she said, âWell, thatâs not important information.ââ
Walgreens Pharmacist Denies Gender Affirming Meds, But Other Options Exist
Recently, one of our readers, who wishes to go unnamed, sent us the following email:
On the 24th when I went to pick up my testosterone prescription at the Walgreens on Lomas & Carlisle, I was asked by the pharmacist why I took it, and when I told him it was gender affirming, he told me he wouldnât fill it going forward⌠I want other trans+ folks in our neighborhood to know that this is not a safe pharmacy (I donât regret reacting by sobbing loudly in the middle of a Walgreens, but I donât want anyone else to have to go through that), and I want all our cis neighbors to know that this is a thing that is happening.
We reached out to the Walgreens location, and the person who answered (and who we will keep anonymous) confirmed that there is a pharmacist on staff who refuses to fill prescriptions for gender affirming medication due to their beliefs. However, they clarified that other pharmacists at the location would fill a gender affirming prescription if they were on duty, or the prescription could be filled at other Walgreens locations. Unfortunately, they were not able to provide further information as to the pharmacistâs name or when their shifts might be.
A year after KC investigation, another trans customer turned away from Costco pharmacy
The cityâs Civil Rights and Equal Opportunity Department launched an investigation in October 2022 after a Star report about five transgender and nonbinary people who said they were denied their prescribed testosterone at the pharmacy. Costco denied the allegations. [...]
Dave, whose name has been changed in this story to protect his identity as a transgender man, was grocery shopping at the Linwood Boulevard Costco on Monday when he decided to pick up some syringes.
Dave has used insulin syringes for years to take his prescribed testosterone â their thin needles make his regular injections less painful.
These small syringes donât require a prescription, making them easy to obtain â and Costco offers a bulk pack of 100 at a nice discount compared to other pharmacies.
At first, the transaction was painless: Dave asked for a pack of syringes and an employee asked him his preferred size and gauge. But when he mentioned that he uses them to inject testosterone, the tone of the conversation shifted abruptly.
âThey got weird about it,â Dave said. âThe pharmacist, I guess, overheard and she came out and sheâs like, this wonât work for testosterone.â
Dave explained that he has used these syringes for his testosterone injections for years â and has even bought the same syringes at that Costco pharmacy before for the same purpose.
Insulin syringes are regularly used to inject low doses of testosterone. But despite being an over-the-counter product, the pharmacist insisted that Dave needed a prescription before she would sell them to him.
âSheâs like, well, we wonât sell it to you unless you have your doctor call it in,â Dave recalled. He stepped aside to call his doctorâs office, but they were closed for Mondayâs holiday. âI didnât feel like arguing (with the pharmacist). So I just left.â
An assistant general manager at the Linwood Costco said Wednesday that he was not aware of the incident and couldnât comment on it.
A pharmacy employee said that she and her coworkers are not authorized to speak to the media. A request for comment from Costcoâs corporate office was not immediately answered.
Dave called the Missouri Pharmacy Board Tuesday and was told that syringes only require a prescription if they bear the label âfor Rx only,â which his syringes didnât.
Beyond that, he said he was told that the state gives pharmacists discretion over what they choose to dispense, as long as they donât violate federal anti-discrimination laws.
On a Saturday night two years ago, Stann Fransisco was driving back home to New Mexico after visiting their parents ...
âCriminalization has made it easy for pharmacists to deny my [testosterone] prescription, which has happened to me many times,â Artemis McGettigan, a trans student in Dearborn, Michigan, told Filter. â[Pharmacists] have told me in the past that âItâs corporate policy, theyâre not allowed to fill that type of prescription ⌠but I knew that was false because other CVS locations, for example, were able to fill it.â A CVS media representative told Filter that its policies âdo not prohibit our pharmacies from filling testosterone prescriptions.â
CVS Pharmacist refused to fill my T
I have been on T for coming up on 3 years. Iâve never had any problems with any pharmacy Iâve gone to. I recently had to switch pharmacies and for over two weeks this pharmacist at CVS has given me the run around. âI need to talk with your doctor about why you need itâ (which Iâve never had happen before). And then the next day would say âI need prior authâ. Itâs been so long without my T that my period came back today and I am freaking out. So I sent a very frantic message to my doctors office. They called me about an hour later telling me the pharmacist sounded fishy and said âIâm not comfortable filling this prescription.â Ok? Your job isnât to judge my prescription your job is to give me the medication my doctor decided I needed. The doctors office was nice enough to transfer everything to a different CVS close by and even apologized for not getting the pharmacists name. We did call to get his name. My partner is very nice and called corporate to file a complaint and the corporate pharmacist on the phone said that they do have grounds to deny a prescription only if there is not enough info or itâs fake. So they reported it as discrimination. Unfortunately I canât take legal action or I would. Sorry this is more of a rant than anything. This should be illegal and nobody should work in healthcare if theyâre going to gate-keep health. I truly hope this man gets fired. Iâm trying to file a report to the state board of pharmacists because he can have his license revoked for discrimination. Thanks for listening.
My pharmacy tried to deny me my testosterone
So I called in my prescription on the 2nd and they told me that it would be ready on the 5th. Itâs the 8th today so I called and asked if it was ready yet and the pharmacist told me I needed prior authorization and that my insurance wouldnât cover it. Thing is, my insurance has covered it for the past two months, which is when I first started T. The pharmacist told me to call my doctor and get the authorization so I did and my doctor said that thereâs no issues on her end, no authorization needed, and that my insurance still covers my prescription so sheâs not sure why he would say that. I end up calling them back and end up speaking to the lady who took my original prescription and she was like âOh my god. I donât know why he said that to you. Iâm seeing a refill request but nothing that requires an authorization. Iâm gonna send this in today and it should be ready by Fridayâ. I think itâs hilarious too that when I told him my name, he was like âoh youâre (my grandparentâs names) granddaughter!â
CVS for years refused to sell me the needles I need for my T injections (prescription was not required, but they lied and said one was), would say they were out of stock (not when I see the box right there), loudly asked why I need my T when other patient convos were done quietly or not at all, deliberately gave me insulin needles (I need much larger) or sometimes only 1 needle for a multi-dose prescription. (Even for 1 dose, you should have at least 2 needles -- one to draw with and one to inject.) They also "dropped" my vial a few times.
Any one of these could be ignorance/accidents, but these each happened multiple times from 3 locations.
If your clinic does its own dispensing, I highly recommend switching to that for your prescription. If you are worried about needles, get your provider to include the needle info on the scrip. And if you *really* have issues with the needles, buy them in bulk online.
the way people use the word "femme" drives me fucking goddamn coocoo bananas. what is the point of that word if you use it in ways that makes it clear you think "men" and "femmes" are not overlapping categories. its just like with people using TMA supposedly to include people who aren't trans women & then just defining TMA as "trans women and transfem nonbinary people" like. at this point just be OPENLY exorsexist it will make everything so much more straightforward
like in the vast majority of cases where i at least personally see this phrase used, its people trying to talk about marginalized genders/people affected by misogyny and recognizing that just saying "women" wouldn't cover everything but instead of actually critically reflecting on what they are trying to talk about and the most inclusive and accurate way to cover the people actually included, they just tack "... and femmes" onto their cissexist feminism.
"[xyz example of misogyny] affects women and femmes" and its something that also affects trans men and nonbinary and genderqueer people. and it also affects gnc men / people perceived that way but then the person saying "femmes" makes it clear they aren't thinking about femme men at all. and also while masc/butch women may be covered under "women," given how often masc women & people perceived as masc women are left out of conversations of misogyny & have their experiences erased & deal with hostility within "women's spaces." its just like, if we are gonna be inclusive about how we discuss misogyny, can we actually put thought into it.
This has also been a core part of my experience with alienation and exclusion from certain spaces.
"Women and femmes" - I'm a trans butch. I am neither a woman nor am I femme.
Using "femme" and "fem" interchangeably is something that annoys me in the same vein. They are not the same thing. I am "transfem" by way of my transition, I am not "femme" by any means.
People are all too eager to adopt the most recent virtue signaling terminology while not even cultivating the slightest hint of an understanding of what the terms they use actually mean.
It's very interesting the gendered double-edged sword of being believed about pain. People assumed to be cis men are supposed to tough out pain, repress it, tamp it down. You're not allowed to react to pain because it's a weakness. You're not that hurt, and even if you are, you cannot show it. But then people assumed to be cis women are supposedly weaker, so if you react to pain it's a sign that you're reacting to a lower threshold of pain. You're not that hurt, you're just a woman.
And it's wild because men and women both, cis and trans alike, are so convinced that they are the only ones not believed about pain, not allowed to express certain emotions.
When disability is a connected factor, then there is even greater disbelief, backlash, lack of patience. When mental health is a factor, there is an even greater assumption of low tolerance or delusion. When race is a connected factor, then suddenly Black people are meant to have a higher pain tolerance, so they are allowed to suffer more. Self-medication is expected in some areas, and forbidden in others. Access through financial means is a barrier to care.
There's so many layers to the concept of "I'm not allowed to react to my suffering" that are all true, but every time there is someone making gendered arguments of "UNLIKE MY OPPOSITE" I have to call bullshit. Cis men and women do it to each other, they do it to trans people, trans people do it to each other, and to cis people.
Everyone's pain is being ignored, no one's needs are being met, because we are participating in a hierarchical system that tries to imply inherent superiority, and if anything dampens your assumed superiority then you're weak, and if you can do anything to challenge your assumed weakness then you're a threat.
"If you are trans masc and still have a connection to womanhood-"
Stop. I can already tell you arent an ally to afab nonbinary people, genderfluid people, agender people, intersex people, and gnc people. Hush and go sit in your heterocisnormative box and reflect. Btw its not "a connection to womanhood" đ its called HEALTHCARE and it doesnt stop being needed as soon as our pronouns change. Grow up.
also, sometimes trans men and transmascs experience a connection to womanhood! i'm bigender of course im still connected? im also a man and that part isnt gone either? i feel like people are just forgetting that gender is complex
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I wish people would stop devaluing friendship in a misguided attempt at valuing QPRs. I just saw a post where the ENTIRE point was that the two characters were "just" friends and someone called it a QPR. And yeah you could see their relationship that way in general but obviously in this post they are "JUST" friends and that's important too.
You can love your friends without it being a QPR! You can be committed to your friends without it being a QPR! By implying otherwise you are treating QPRs as Romance Lite by applying amatonormativity to them by implying they are a superior form of relationship over friendship. No!!! We need to abolish the relationship hierarchy, not simply twist it to fit our own selfish needs, neglecting to account for anyone else! Cut that shit out!
You can be aroace and have friends and not want a QPR. I feel like a lot of people donât get that. They want us to fit in the box of having a relationship, even if they say the right language that they can deny thatâs the case. This has happened to me several times.
A QPR is its own thing, and like a relationship, is not necessary for someoneâs fulfilment. People deserve to be listened to, and not told to conform to boxes, even when they deny thatâs what theyâre doing.
Replacing romantic/sexual relationships' elevated spot in the hierarchy of relationships with another type of relationship is not fighting allonormativity. It's conforming to the allonormative idea that some types of relationships are inherently more important than others. Some relationships are more important than others for some people and that's fine, but it should be like that JUST because of the type of relationship.
No type of relationship is inherently more valuable or important or better than another by virtue of the relationship type alone.
I wish people would stop devaluing friendship in a misguided attempt at valuing QPRs. I just saw a post where the ENTIRE point was that the two characters were "just" friends and someone called it a QPR. And yeah you could see their relationship that way in general but obviously in this post they are "JUST" friends and that's important too.
You can love your friends without it being a QPR! You can be committed to your friends without it being a QPR! By implying otherwise you are treating QPRs as Romance Lite by applying amatonormativity to them by implying they are a superior form of relationship over friendship. No!!! We need to abolish the relationship hierarchy, not simply twist it to fit our own selfish needs, neglecting to account for anyone else! Cut that shit out!
You can be aroace and have friends and not want a QPR. I feel like a lot of people donât get that. They want us to fit in the box of having a relationship, even if they say the right language that they can deny thatâs the case. This has happened to me several times.
A QPR is its own thing, and like a relationship, is not necessary for someoneâs fulfilment. People deserve to be listened to, and not told to conform to boxes, even when they deny thatâs what theyâre doing.
Replacing romantic/sexual relationships' elevated spot in the hierarchy of relationships with another type of relationship is not fighting allonormativity. It's conforming to the allonormative idea that some types of relationships are inherently more important than others. Some relationships are more important than others for some people and that's fine, but it should be like that JUST because of the type of relationship.
No type of relationship is inherently more valuable or important or better than another by virtue of the relationship type alone.
I wish people would stop devaluing friendship in a misguided attempt at valuing QPRs. I just saw a post where the ENTIRE point was that the two characters were "just" friends and someone called it a QPR. And yeah you could see their relationship that way in general but obviously in this post they are "JUST" friends and that's important too.
You can love your friends without it being a QPR! You can be committed to your friends without it being a QPR! By implying otherwise you are treating QPRs as Romance Lite by applying amatonormativity to them by implying they are a superior form of relationship over friendship. No!!! We need to abolish the relationship hierarchy, not simply twist it to fit our own selfish needs, neglecting to account for anyone else! Cut that shit out!
I have thoughts on this!
So like, very specifically
Some relationships are just straight up more actively, consciously valued than others.
And this isn't necessarily about a concrete, definable "type" of relationship.
It's possible to have a person who the only label one has for them is "friend" and they can be more important than literally everyone else, the entire rest of the world combined, even if some of those other people are labeled things like "boyfriend" or "husband".
And that's an extreme example but it's also entirely valid.
It's also really common to want to assign another label to things like that though, when that's explicitly acknowledged rather than some implicit, unconscious thing.
And this is the thing about terms like QPR because it can be used as "Romance Lite" but it can also just be an attempt to quantify the practical reality of "Friend+++++++++++++++++++++".
And this is just, a problem with labels. And a problem with... the actual realities of how relationships, of any kind, work out.
I have a friend like this, at pretty much the most extreme of that. I often shorthand refer to as "best friend" or "partner" or "soulmate". A friend that I am very highly dedicated to, and never want any other consideration to be more important than that friendship.
And like... largely, I don't like hierarchies. But this is someone I've decided will always come first, over any other consideration and if it doesn't work out that way in practice it means I have failed in a meaningful way.
I think some people are trying to use QPR, to a greater or lesser extent, to refer to that type of friend. And some people are going to have that type of friend, even if they don't actually want hierarchies in their relationships, because things are complicated and people ultimately decide what their priorities are, whether that deciding is conscious or unconscious.
It doesn't matter why people do this. Building a relationship hierarchy is inherently bad. I don't care if people are doing it subconsciously, it's still bad. It's fine to personally prioritize a person/relationship, but doing so at the expense of other types of relationships as a generalization is bad, which is my point. Implying that QPRs are inherently better--which is the point of this post--is bad.
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ânonbinary people can still use gendered terms!!â is the nonbinary version of âaroace people can still date and have sex!!â
like yes youâre correct, HOWEVER. COMMA. 99.999999% of the time when people say stuff like this online itâs to misgender a nonbinary character or ship an aroace character
I think if you want to understand bigotry against aromantics, I have a good case study. Let me talk a little about my dad's family.
My dad has 4 half siblings and two step siblings. They're all a decent bit younger than him. When I was a teenager, we went to a family reunion, and I realized somethingâmy dad did not respect his siblings. He looked down on all of them. He saw them as fuck-ups and overgrown children. My dad had the American dream: well paying management job, suburban house, wife, and three kids. My aunt and uncles did not. Excluding my aunt, none of them were married or in serious relationships. They hadn't really settled into long term careers. Several of them were working the kind of jobs that get called "Unskilled labor." So he looked down on them because the youngest one was in his thirties (and several were much older), and yet none of them had "settled down" into what he saw as lifelong, permanent careers and relationships and lives. He was polite to their faces, sure, but I heard how he talked about them behind their backs, to my mother.
And then a few years ago, we visited his brothers again for Thanksgiving. And I realized something again--he respected them now. He saw them as equals. Why? Well. All of a sudden, every single one of them had serious, committed romantic partners. They didn't even need to still be with those partnersâone of my uncle's fiance passed away from cancer before they could marryâjust having had one showed that they matured into a real adult participating in society. In fact, at one point, my aunt was telling my mom about how one of my uncles was no longer living in an apartment she owned, but instead, after having a steady girlfriend for about a year, he moved in with her. And my mom literally said to my aunt, "wow. Look at that. He finally grew up."
One of the lines that frequently gets repeated about anti-aspec sentiment is "why would anyone hate asexuals/aromantics/etc? They aren't even doing anything." And that's exactly it. In the eyes of amatonormative culture, we aren't doing anything. Adults are supposed to do things. That's how you become a member of society.
I know that my father will never see me as a successful adult. He will never approve of my life. And I think most people would assume that that's because I'm trans. And don't get me wrong, he sure as shit doesn't like or respect that, but I do think if given enough time, he would get used to it. He would eventually realize that it isn't going away. And if I settled down with a spouse and a respectful job and a few kids, he could see me as a successful adult that he could be proud of anyway. But of course, that's not going to happen. Because I'm aromantic. So I'm never going to do that one thing that signifies that his job is complete, and I'm officially a full-fledged adult. I will perpetually be that fuck-up kid who won't settle down. In my personal case, that's okay. My dad is a conservative piece of shit, and if he doesn't approve of you, that just means you're doing something right. But on a societal level? This kind of attitude is a massive problem. Aromantics deserve to be treated like adults, and to feel like the accomplished adults that they are. We should feel like we belong in society.
I think these tags from @luv-cr4ze are worth adding to the post proper:
#not to derail but i see this in general with queer relationship dynamics#not queer gender-wise queer because it's not 2 people who love each other and get married forever#aromantics polyam and even queerplatonic relationships#i bring this up because i rarely see people talk about polyamory and how looked down upon it is#it's very similar to this but people often think you're dirty or doing it just for sex or that you're unfaithful etc.#it's not in the âamerican dreamâ to settle down with more than one person unless you're religious#(and people still think polygamy is weird and gross regardless.)#it sucks!!! it's not even legal to marry more than one person in most countries and people rarely talk about it!!#it's generally seen as weird to not follow the basic guidelines of a âgood and normalâ relationship
It's worth mentioning that the aunt I mentioned in this post, the only one who was married at the start of this story? Yeah, she's never been monogamous. Her and her husband have been in a triad with another person for a good 17 years. And my dad still has no idea that she's anything other than cishet in a faithful relationship of 30+ years, because she knows he'd be just as much of a dick about that as he was about his single brothers, if not more. It is in fact the same thing.
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sucks that "incel" is just like a generic insult now synonymous with "virgin" bc if people had much of an idea of what incel ideology actually entails, we could have a conversation about radical feminism being quite literally, beat for beat, incel shit for girls
basic, inescapable biology dooms me to be a perpetual victim of the Other (Evil) Sex
me and my ingroup are the primary victims of a society that is fundamentally and irreparably broken
99% of people cannot be trusted and will only hurt and disappoint me, so i need to stay sequestered in insular online communities where people won't try to gaslight me into questioning these truths
the outside world becomes harder and harder to bear as people won't accept my reality, and even my once-closest friends reveal themselves to be of the Enemy
eventually i have to accept the fact that nothing will ever, ever change, and i will die alone and deeply unhappy
like radfems also get blackpilled. they fall down pipelines into the deepest darkest extremes of their ideology, and it's increasingly harder to get these people to reengage with the world specifically because their ideology posits that the world is corrupted and divided into Us and Them, and that the ingroup's victim status is biological and innate. it's a system that lends itself naturally to doomerism and blackpilling due partially to the social isolation that comes with it. and it's equally difficult as with incels to "break through" the isolation because these people do not want help whatsoever. they have been thoroughly conditioned to see attempts at helping as Active Victimization and further proof of the rightness of their beliefs
By the way this applies to trans radfems and those "only trans femmes are safe and okay and everyone else is evil" groups too, not just cis radfems/TERFs
i will cheer for all my trans peers who make it into the gendered spaces that match their identities. i will cheer at the moments that my peers can be themselves freely and interact with society as themselves.
and so it hurts me to think that this source of joy for so many, that moment when the system finally affirms them instead of putting them down,
...is a source of joy that necessarily casts me aside. the system that finally affirms them is a system i wish wouldn't even exist in the first place.
and so, in a local space i'm told is trans inclusive, i stand there and hear that i can "choose which of the two gendered spaces i'd like", and i silently concede with a pit in my stomach.
because i don't like either of them.
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