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@papercranesandpride
I wish I could talk about amatonormativity & how shitty the world is for single people without being told that I should get a roommate. I have a roommate, it is not socially acceptable to rely on a roommate the way you rely on a significant other.
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I hate it when transmeds (and, lately, TRFs) say to (insufficiently binary or gender-conforming) transmascs that they "want all the upsides of manhood/masculinity but none of the downsides". Yes? Of course they do? Generally speaking, people want good things and don't want bad things? A trans man who is sad that he now has to deal with increased acne (for instance) is not failing at being a man; acne is factually irritating to deal with, and cis men express annoyance with it all the time. They just mysteriously get less shit for it than the trans man does. And all of that is not to mention that often what is meant by "downsides [of manhood]" is not necessarily "annoying side effects of testosterone", but "toxic masculinity"-- in which case, refusal to engage in toxic masculinity is straightforwardly morally correct, and it should be encouraged, especially by people who claim to be feminists.
I've missed another alternate meaning of "they want all the upsides of manhood/masculinity but none of the downsides", which is "he's mad that some people around him now treat him with suspicion and fear, when before, they didn't". And I maintain that it is perfectly reasonable and human to be saddened or annoyed by that. It is especially reasonable when "I dislike trans men and transmascs because they're (too) male, and thus they are dangerous and untrustworthy and incapable of understanding misogyny or feminism" is yet another line of reasoning added to the stack of reasons people give for why they're allowed to abandon and abuse transmascs. Ever noticed how everybody seems to have a reason for why transmascs are their enemies? Ever wonder why? Ever wonder what kind of toll that takes on a demographic?
I also find the whole idea that it is wrong to want only the "upsides" of a gender, and that you must buy the whole package deal (so-to-speak), to be pretty much antithetical to my whole idea of what gender should be. I have said the exact opposite before. "Picking and choosing the upsides of each gender" is what I do. I have yet to find a good reason why one shouldn't! Why shouldn't someone tailor their body to achieve all of the things they want? Why shouldn't someone express distaste at poor treatment or toxic societal standards or irritating side effects? Why should we accept the idea that poor treatment or toxic societal standards must be silently endured in order to become a member of one's gender? Will you next say that a cis woman is a fake woman if she hates her period and is a feminist? What an absurd sentiment.
I hate it when transmeds (and, lately, TRFs) say to (insufficiently binary or gender-conforming) transmascs that they "want all the upsides of manhood/masculinity but none of the downsides". Yes? Of course they do? Generally speaking, people want good things and don't want bad things? A trans man who is sad that he now has to deal with increased acne (for instance) is not failing at being a man; acne is factually irritating to deal with, and cis men express annoyance with it all the time. They just mysteriously get less shit for it than the trans man does. And all of that is not to mention that often what is meant by "downsides [of manhood]" is not necessarily "annoying side effects of testosterone", but "toxic masculinity"-- in which case, refusal to engage in toxic masculinity is straightforwardly morally correct, and it should be encouraged, especially by people who claim to be feminists.
I work at a compounding pharmacy.
We had a transfem patient who was getting topical testosterone from us to preserve erections while being on HRT. My pharmacist pulls me aside and asks "I don't understand. It's like trying to have your cake and eat it too! You can't just have both."
I tried to defend against the point, but she was right. Being trans is, generally, wanting to have your cake and eat it too. It's wanting the upsides without the downsides. Cis people will wallow in the downsides, saying that's just the way things are and have to be. Trans people don't have to do that.
I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart partially because I was ace and my partner was very much not, and every time we looked for relationship help we got told that I was the problem. Not just that a significant mismatch in sexual desire could be a problem in a relationship, but that it was My Fault, Specifically, for not being willing to suck it up and have a bunch of sex I didn't want. To my ex's credit, he cared about consent much more than any of the professionals we talked to and refused to pressure me even when my (lesbian, billed as progressive and pro-LGBT) therapist was actively telling him to.
But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!
Sometimes breaking up is necessary, and that's what ended up happening with us because there were other reasons we worked better as friends, but there *should* be better frameworks for discussing what people want and need that don't automatically assume that one partner's feelings are automatically more important or valuable than the other's.
I was dating someone who wanted to be accommodating and work with me to figure things out but lacked the EQ to do so in any effective way. It was my first relationship and I was still figuring out what being ace meant for me. Itâs been eight or nine years, but I still remember very clearly the moment I realized weâd been approaching the entire discussion as if my orientation was the problem to be solved, and that it would be equally as valid to say that hers was.
She was significantly less impressed with this revelation than I was, but I tried to hold on to it ever since (although obviously the real problem wasnât either one of us, but the mismatch and the lack of tools to deal with it). I think itâs super important to remember that we arenât the ones in the wrong while our theoretical partners are the ones in the right. I was surprised by how much Iâd internalized the assumption and I donât think Iâm the only one.
The other frustrating aspect of this is allo relationships will often have periods of time where libido does not match (I'm not derailing and this will swing back to asexual people)
Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work
There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest
And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness
An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.
I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier
And asexual people would stop getting shit for being themselves.
Yeah, exactly! There are many different forms of intimacy, physical and emotional, and we need to stop viewing non-sexual forms of intimacy as inherently lesser.
And also you're right that while this post is specifically about the asexual experience, these problems affect everyone; desire gaps, whether temporary/circumstantial or ongoing, affect many if not most long-term relationships. And the solution needs to reaffirm bodily autonomy and compassion for everyone, not just carve out a specific exception for ace people. Too frequently I see people and institutions that, even when they're attempting to be affirming, essentially say "Well this is what a committed relationship Needs To Look Like . . . unless you already id as ace I guess" instead of allowing their general idea of what relationships can look like to expand and become less prescriptive.
No one should be pressured into sex they don't want. This should be a basic and non-negotiable tenet of feminism. But it goes out the window as soon as it's in the context of a committed relationship that isn't otherwise abusive.
Hello, Tumblr user. Here's a non-binary character who uses they/them. Their ASAB isn't relevant at all for the story and everyone regardless of relationship uses they/them for them and they're trans. Your challenge will be to not try to sniff out their ASAB. Go---- oh you're already telling other people who don't agree with you they're wrong and bigoted for hcing it different from you. Okay.
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be normal about nonromantic sex. be normal about people who actively want to screw but would rather die than kiss or hold hands. be normal about fwb relationships. they are healthy they are beautiful they are harmless they are wholesome they are perfect. "yeah, just as long as you make sure to clarifyâ" you're still not being normal about this yk. you're only saying that because you STILL see it as an abusive arrangement by default. if someone says they want a romantic partner, you wouldn't tell them to make sure they asked directly rather than decide for them, would you? god just please be normal about nonromantic sex as a whole ok
Once you start noticing the erasure and exclusion of trans mascs in everything from media to academics you can never stop noticing it
Back when I was in university we were asked to do a brief research exercise on a health condition impacting a community. Can't remember what I wanted to look at now, but it was something to do with the trans community.
Whatever it was, to put it this way, if there were 10 studies on the trans community as a whole, there were 3 on trans women and trans fems and 0 on trans men and trans mascs, and 0 on nonbinary people. All of the mixed studies were also pretty much useless for my purposes as well because they were all so lopsided.
I think I swapped to a bunch of different things - addiction rates, smoking, depression, mental health in general - nothing that was even roughly equal in looking at all of us. Trans men, trans mascs and nonbinary people are so under researched as to be nonexistent.
To keep this brief since I've rambled a bunch - this is a major issue health wise since we have not a lot of literature on what testosterone does to certain bodies. This can lead to major health complications, not because of the testosterone itself, but because there might be an interaction thats missed or a complication that's not noticed (which is the same for any medication that's under researched on certain bodies. This is not me scaring people off of hrt, this is me pointing out its a medication like any other.)
#the therapist who wrote my permission slip for hrt was a trans man#and during that appointment we talked about the erasure of trans men from basically everything#and i talked about an article i had read a week or so earlier about trans people and hiv#it very in depth about risks prevention treatment etc#except that it exclusively referenced trans women with a single sentence at the end basically saying 'oh trans men are at risk too'#less than a year later i saw that same therapist speaking at an hiv organization fundraising event#he talked about how he had just recently been diagnosed with hiv#and had to sit there while this doctor told him all about how the treatment options had never been tested on trans men#none of them#they knew that the treatment would work#but not how effective it would be in comparison to its effectiveness in other demographics#no idea what kind of side effects he might experience#how it would interact with his body and his hormones#what the long term effects would be#nothing#he had to sit there while his doctor told him he would have to be a guinea pig but its not like he has a choice#the only alternative is dying from aids#that whole thing was kind of a wake up call for me#and i started paying more attention getting tested regularly myself and all that sruff you're supposed to do#and over time i befriended the person who did most of my testing#they were also trans masc and we would talk about this kind of stuff#and i told them i wanted to get on prep but every doctor i asked had a wildly different answer on if i even could take it#which verison i could take etc#and they said that only one form of prep has been approved fot trans men but its never actually been tested on trans men#and that one version isnt good for long term use because it has some pretty serious side effects long term#and they said that they regularly go to conferences and meet with representatives from all these drug companies#and they ask 'wheres the data on trans men' 'when are you doing clinical studies on trans men'#and the answer#every single time is: we have not done any studies on trans men and we have no intention to ever do studies on trans men#this is not some passive result of trans masc invisibility it is an active act of erasure that needs to be recognized as an act of violence
I remember years ago, long enough ago that I was still using either Tiktok or Instagram regularly, because that's where I saw this, long enough ago that unfortunately I do not remember the username, I saw an older trans woman responding to a comment asking "how come we see trans women from your generation, but never trans men?" And her response was simple. "Unfortunately, it's because most of them are dead." Between lack of safe and legal abortions (which, hey, look what's an issue again), the HIV/AIDs crisis (which still is lacking in approved treatments for trans men, and they're still likely to be denied PrEP/PEP even when they should be eligible as sexually active queer men), and how many of them chose to take their own lives after being forced into marriages and other women's roles, a lot of the trans men that should be elderly right now did not make it.
And now, when I find myself making the mistake of going on Instagram, I get to see trans men themselves talking about how historically, trans men didn't do anything for the community, and so we need to step up now. Which, first of all, that isn't true, but second of all, if trans men's contributions are lesser, that makes a lot of sense if we listen to that trans woman talking about the trans men she was in community with back in the day. It's very hard to advance the trans cause if you're not alive.
Anyway. It's a really chilling answer. "Where are all the elderly trans men?" "They're dead." And I just wish more people saw that tiktok and listened to it and really took it to heart, now that we're in the age of "well obviously trans men have it so much easier."
Imma be real with you chief, sources for â[HIV/AIDS] which still is lacking in approved treatments for trans men, and they're still likely to be denied PrEP/PEP even when they should be eligible as sexually active queer menâ because umâŚ. HIV/AIDS treatments arenât gender specific afaik and PrEP/PEP arenât exactly gatekept drugs. I donât know if Iâve ever met someone denied access to HIV med access specifically for being transgender. Iâve only been denied them because most PCPs donât prescribe them period. You have to go to a sexual health clinic. If any trans men have been denied PrEP for ânot being eligibleâ PLEASE chime in because I will 100% believe you, it just does not match up with my experience using PrEP for 3+ years now.
I am not denying this is what happened to our elders. I just truly think things are WAY better than that now (in the USA at least)
This is the post I was referencing. Which granted, is anecdotal, but I know I've gotten a whole lot of ads for HIV research studies over the years (because Instagram knows I'll click on them. As a schizophrenic, research studies love me) and they are always looking for cis gay men and trans women. Not trans men. And I assume if you went to the person who actually left those tags instead of the one quote reblogging them, you could ask for more information.
She was intersex and raised as a boy for most of her life in Kenya. Then the bleeding started.
When 18-year-old Roberto first experienced menstruation, she was terrified. Born intersex and raised as a boy, she had never been taught about periods, let alone how to manage one. Before that terrifying day, Roberto had spent her entire life in a quiet village in Kisii County. Her parents never disclosed anything about her intersex identity, partly because they did not fully understand it themselves, and partly due to the stigma surrounding differences in sex development. Roberto grew up playing football with boys, dressing like them, and following all the expectations of male childhood. Yet, as she entered adolescence, she began noticing subtle changes in her body that did not match those of her peers. She occasionally experienced discomfort, mood shifts, and physical traits she could not explain. With no information about intersex bodies or reproductive health, she simply brushed these feelings aside. Conversations about menstruation were reserved for girls, leaving Roberto completely unprepared for what was coming. âI thought I was bleeding to death, but I could not tell anyone, not even my mother,â she recalls. âI used an old T-shirt and hid it under my mattress.â It was only years later, after meeting a community health volunteer who worked with intersex and gender-diverse youth, that Roberto finally shared her experience. The volunteer explained what it meant to be intersex, helped her understand her body, and connected her to a safe support group. Through these conversations, Roberto slowly began embracing an identity that felt more aligned with who she truly was. She chose to use she/her pronouns because it was the first time she felt seen, understood, and comfortable in her own skin. âIt felt like breathing freely for the first time,â she says. âLike I could finally be myself without fear.â
The hidden reality of intersex menstruators
Robertoâs experience reveals a little-known truth: intersex individuals who menstruate are often invisible in menstrual health policies, education, and aid programmes. While Kenya, and Africa more broadly, has made progress in addressing period poverty among girls and women, intersex people are left behind, navigating their cycles in silence and shame. When 23-year-old John first experienced menstruation, it was not a typical âcoming-of-ageâ moment. Instead, it became a confusing and isolating chapter defined by stigma and secrecy. Growing up in South Nyanza, John lived in a household and a wider community that neither understood nor accepted their identity, let alone their menstrual health needs. âI bled in silence for years, and yet I could not talk to anyone,â they recount. âMy mother kept asking why I was not ânormalâ, but I was too scared to explain something I did not even fully understand myself.â Intersex persons like Roberto and John are often excluded from the conversation about menstruation. âThis is despite the fact that they suffer in silence,â says Margret Mogaka, a reproductive health advocate at the Kisii Teaching and Referral Hospital (KTRH). Although the Kenyan government launched the Menstrual Hygiene Management Policy in 2019 to promote menstrual equity, intersex individuals are not included. âMenstruation is still framed as a female-only issue,â says Mogaka. âThis excludes not only trans men but also intersex people, many of whom menstruate and need the same support.â She adds that many public schools, clinics, and community programmes assume only girls need menstrual products or information. âThis makes it nearly impossible for intersex menstruators to access sanitary pads or counseling without facing ridicule.â [...]
i'm very tired
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âwhy are trans women excluded from this womenâs space while trans men are welcomed with open arms???â
you look inside and the trans men and transmascs being âwelcomed with open armsâ are being misgendered, abused, pushed towards detransitioning, and the ones that are seen as too masculine to be treated as women-lite are being kicked out of the space the same as trans women
iâm just so fucking tired yall. you can talk about bad things happening to trans women without assuming the opposite must be true for trans men, you know that right?
the like to reblog ratio on this post tells you everything you need to know about how scared people are to openly support trans men/mascs due to the absolutely rampant transandrophobia on this website btw
The reason some people donât think TERFs target trans men is because, on some level, they agree with them about us.
I donât say this to be inflammatory. This is something I wholeheartedly believe because I see it myself all the time. Violence and transphobic rhetoric about transgender men is so normalized that it doesnât even register to people and often gets repeated.
One of the most obnoxious examples of this is about once a month I see post/podcast clip/hear from someone irl that they think JK Rowling is an in denial trans man. Theyâll take the quotes from her about how were she born in this generation, she wouldâve been trans and that âthe allure of escaping womanhood would have been too much to resistâ and say she obviously a trans man.
But by believing this you havenât discovered some secret of hers. Rowling quite literally wants you to believe she wouldâve been trans to lend herself credence into the trans conversation. And you are agreeing with her and the TERFs that the reason transmasculine people transition is because of internalized misogyny and peer pressure.
Why can you understand sheâs a lying, manipulative demon when she speaks about trans women or trans people broadly, but take her and TERFs at their word when it comes to trans men? You are dangerously susceptible to propaganda and absolutely spineless.
the way anti-trans people speak about us, Iâve noticed that they donât actually treat trans men and trans women that differently. They simply focus their energy on different age groups. When trans men are discussed, we are only children. Teenage/tween trans men are the main focus of transandrophobia from these groups, because we fit the agenda of âvulnerable delicate womenâ who are harder to view as men or people with agency. We are less likely to pass and more likely to have mental health issues, and therefore are easier to pass off as defective and hysterical girls.
meanwhile, trans women are almost exclusively framed as middle-aged or older. This allows them to be viewed as more mature and cunning compared to younger people. In addition, older women are less likely to fit traditional beauty standards, so this gives them an easier time making a âgross ugly predatorâ argument.
however, when forced to acknowledge trans people of other age groups, they pretty much stick to the same playbook. Older trans men are no longer treated as pitiable women, but as some sort of gross third gender, similar to trans women. They are considered part of the ring of predators trying to steal your children. And, importantly, are considered ugly. Transitioned trans men are not seen as attractive to ânormalâ men or women. conversely, young trans women are treated very similar to young trans men. The âtheyâre trying to cut off your sonâs dickâ line is well-used. And they are not treated as a weird third gender like adult trans people, and rather are categorized as vulnerable boys being preyed upon by the âactual villainsâ, adult trans women.
the purpose of this post is to point out that neither trans men or women are privileged for the way that weâre treated. Adult trans men experience very similar treatment as adult trans women, and vice versa. Transphobes do not want you to know that. They want you to think their agenda is to protect trans men and ostracize trans women, because that makes them seem less hateful. But their actual treatment of us contradicts that.
Shout out to all the homosexual aroallo folks, who are romance repulsed, but still want to have sex. No, you aren't "abusive". No, you don't "actually have internalised homophobia". You engage in the activity you find appealing, you shouldn't force yourself to loOoOoOove someone, just because some bitch told you that you should. No, that one movie and that one song weren't about you. If your partner agreed to this kind of relationships, but now they're unsatisfied and make it seem like they are the victim, it's them being a bad person.
Shout out to all the straight aroallo men, who are romance repulsed, but still want to have sex. No, you aren't "misogynistic" for loving to fuck a woman, but not loving her romantically, if you agreed on this type of relationships. It's them being misogynistic! Like, why the fuck to they think an adult woman deliberately agreeing on a specific type of relationship is not enough?
Shout out to all the straighr aroallo women, who are romance repulsed, but still want to have sex. No, you aren't "whores". And even if you are, that doesn't make you a bad person. No, you aren't "just afraid of men". You're fine.
Shout out to all the nonbinary aroallo people, who are romance repulsed, but still want to have sex. You are great. Idk what else to say. Don't listen to haters.
Shout out to all the romance repulsed but sex favorable people. We are normal, we are great, we are not broken. I love you guys
We will be cooked as long as there are any feminists who believe that a child seeing somebody's tits before the age of 18 is tantamount to rape, and therefore only my cis brother can take his shirt off at the beach, because if I do, I will scar some 9-year-old for life. This level of prudishness is unbelievable to me. It's "we want gender egalitarianism and body autonomy!" until I use my body autonomy, and then everyone wants me to know that my body is inappropriate for children and that it is immoral for me not to accommodate their obsession with these completely non-sexual organs of mine. Can we please get our shit together?
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The common refrain of "transmascs will shit themselves when they realise that T is making them look like a man, not an androgynous femboy twink" has always bothered me for two reasons. The more minor reason is that "man (on T)" and "androgynous femboy twink" are pretty obviously not mutually exclusive categories. There are a ton of men (cis and trans) with normal T levels who are androgynes, femboys, and/or twinks. There are people who may not end up looking like that when they are on T, but it is still within the realm of possible outcomes, and if it's what one wants to look like, there are things one can do to get closer to one's goal.
The more major reason I am bothered by this refrain, though, is the fact that people who say "why do transmascs always want to look like androgynous femboy twinks?" use this demeaning tone that indicates they have a low opinion of transmascs, androgynous people, femboys, and twinks. It is said as if transmascs are too stupid to know even the basic facts of what they're doing with their bodies, and as if wanting to be an androgynous, feminine, or visibly queer man/masc is inherently a bad and absurd thing to desire. The principle of "some people say 'twink' when they really mean 'fag'" is on full display here. It becomes more obvious when it's paired with overt transmedicalism, e.g., "Why do these trender wannabe twinks feel the need to tell everybody that they're trans?", or "'Transmascs' who want to be feminine twinks are basically not even trans". I can only conclude from statements like these that they think being a "real man" means not being a feminine twink, and that it is unacceptable and undesirable (for a man/masc) to be visibly queer and/or GNC. Otherwise, this would not be said with such derision. Needless to say, it is not the hill pro-trans people should ever be dying on.
am i allowed to be bold and say that people need to stop seeing the word "platonic" and reading it as "non-sexual" or. am i allowed to fucking say that.
