✨️court jester✨️

One time when I was a kid, I had a science teacher with a snake as a class pet, and said snake was almost done shedding. There was one little bit of dried skin stuck to its face and I was like, “would it hurt him if I pulled that off?” And the teacher said, “yes it actually could, it’s probably still attached to living skin if it hasn’t come off yet” and I was like “oh, sorry,” and he said, “that’s okay, you were just wanting to do the primate thing.” And damn, that’s such an accurate descriptor.

which is a pretty mundane sentence. but it's a lot less mundane when it's coming from the emperor of three planets who once drunkenly "fell" out a window and ran away to accidentally work in construction, and is one of two people who can consistently outscheme Miles Vorkosigan. He has the kind of pent up rage that can only be amassed by a lifetime of sitting through meetings with the dullest people alive. He is a quiet, mild mannered man who itches to watch the world burn.

The fact that everything Miles does in that book is a response to the ethics his mother taught him, and the way those ethics completely blindside Galen, because Galen thinks of Miles as Aral Vorkosigan's son, and not as Cordelia Naismith's son. The way that Galen came to prepared for a fight against the ruthless militaristic opponent that he imagines Aral to be, and never for a second imagined that his enemy would look at the weapon he had purchased and honed for this purpose and say:

it's like Game of Thrones meets Star Trek meets The Expanse meets Regency romance. it's incredible.

if you haven't heard of this AMAZING series by Lois McMaster Bujold, run don't walk and go read it immediately!!!!

also, fun fact, Lois Bujold got her start writing fanfic for Star Trek fanzines, which REALLY makes sense when you look at the content of her writing lol

the series wasn't written chronologically but it's definitely best to read it chronologically with one exception (which is to read Falling Free before Diplomatic Immunity).

here's my personal preferred reading order (with some notes):

Shards of Honor - 1986 start here! this book is about 33-year-old Cordelia, an astrocartographer from Beta Colony (Star Trek commie soyboy planet), and how she meets and falls in love with 44-year-old Aral Vorkosigan, a general from Barrayar (military aristocracy feudalism planet)

Barrayar - 1991 continues the story of Cordelia and Aral's romance, with many complications

The Warrior’s Apprentice - 1986 from this book onwards, the protagonist of the series shifts to Miles, Cordelia and Aral's disabled son. I was bracing myself for this switch because I was so attached to Cordelia, but 17-year-old Miles immediately jumps off the page here and quickly became one of my all time favorite literary characters. he's a disabled nepo baby from an extremely prejudiced and ableist society who may or may not have inspired Tyrion Lannister. he's incredible, character of all time, no notes

The Mountains of Mourning (novella) - 1989 this one is a novella that is part of The Borders of Infinity, which is a framing device for 3 novellas. the framing part of the book is set after Brothers in Arms, but I recommend reading each individual novella as it falls chronologically and then going back and reading the framing sections later

The Vor Game - 1990 Miles is 20 now

Cetaganda - 1995 a fun murder mystery starring 22-year-old Miles

Ethan of Athos - 1986 this book is somewhat of a detour because Miles isn't in it, but it heavily features a character who later becomes his girlfriend. it's set concurrently to Cetaganda

Labyrinth (novella) - 1989 another novella from Borders of Infinity which introduces Taura, a character who becomes very important to Miles

The Borders of Infinity (novella) - 1987 the final novella from the Borders of Infinity. it goes here chronologically. the framing device is technically set after Brothers in Arms, but it's fine to read here too if you want

Brothers in Arms - 1989 Miles goes to Earth in this one! kudos to Lois for pulling off one of my least favorite plot devices here (a secret clone) and making it an incredible and heart-breaking exploration of identity and character

Mirror Dance - 1994 this book is probably one of the best in the whole series. Lois was really cooking with this one! split POV between Miles and his clone brother, Mark

Memory - 1996 this book is a little quieter than the previous ones, but in a really good way

Komarr - 1998 introduces Miles primary love interest, Ekaterin, and splits POV between her and Miles. they're both 30 here

A Civil Campaign - 1999 this one is like, a classic Shakespearean comedy in terms of structure. apparently it was inspired by Regency romance. it's absolutely incredible and one of my favorites in the series

Winterfair Gifts (short story) - 2004 Miles and Ekaterin's wedding, told from the POV of one of their armsmen. sort of a Christmas special but in a good way!

Falling Free - 1988 another detour. this book is actually set 200 years before the events of the series, but it tells the origin story of the Quaddies and is relevant to Diplomatic Immunity, hence why I suggest reading it here

Diplomatic Immunity - 2002 32-year-old Miles and his wife untangle a diplomatic crisis with the Quaddies

Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance - 2012 told from the POV of Miles' cousin Ivan

The Flowers of Vashnoi (novella) - 2018 a novella about Ekaterin, Miles' wife

Cryoburn - 2010 get ready to WEEP

Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen - 2016 we're back in Cordelia's POV for this one. lots of spicy revelations about her and Aral's marriage (including a space throuple)!!!! we love to see it!!!

I read this series so insanely fast, like I was quite literally blasting through one book a day (each book is around 300 pages so it's not as crazy as it sounds), but that's honestly how good they are.

every single book has at least one moment that made me stop short and really think about my life. I would say the whole series is kind of a meditation on the concept of honor. and also gender issues and disability politics. some of the gender terminology is dated, but the sentiments are extremely forward-thinking, especially considering when these books were largely written. as I mentioned, the main character is disabled, and there are MANY queer and gender non-conforming characters throughout the series!

if you like Ursula LeGuin, you'll probably enjoy these! honestly surprised Bujold isn't as well-known/highly regarded as LeGuin, because imo they're very similar and very comparable!!!

As a reminder, he's suing Caroline Wallner, one of his accusers, for breaking her NDA. Not for libel. He's saying she shouldn't have told anyone about it, not that she lied.

He doesn't need the money. He's risking the Streisand effect. He is punishing Caroline, he's trying to intimidate other victims who have signed NDAs to scare them into continued silence.

He is no friend to women, to the LGBTQIA+ community, to anyone quite frankly unless he thinks they are of value to him.

and then thinking about all the people who call her cold or uncaring or clinical about what she has to do to save earth. eva stratt, who had silly t-shirts and vodka and favorite meals stored in the Hail Mary and treated with the same level of importance as the finely tuned equipment and the centrifuge the entire planet relies on for salvation.

and then thinking about eva stratt nodding and saying, “yeah, I’m pretty awful. that’s why i’m in charge” with a neutral expression and even believing it. as if crafting the most beautiful coffin and homage to her soon-to-be dead friends won’t haunt her always.

thinking about eva stratt being the first person on the “eva stratt is a monster” train, welcoming ryland grace aboard and knowing she believed in him more than anyone else.

You will often notice when you’ve made an error, or when there’s something you could have done better, or etc, and sometimes other people will notice too. But often, they won’t. So don’t point it out.

It’s really a sign of a lack of self confidence – you think that if you point out the error first, it will save someone else from having to point it out for you. That by being self-depreciating, no one else will feel obliged to point out your flaws.

But here’s the thing. People don’t notice jack shit, most of the time. Sure, yeah, sometimes you’ll fuck up and people will notice and mention it, and thats fine, but 95% of your errors will go unnoticed. Unless you choose to point them out, in which case, you ensure that 100% of your errors get noticed.

The above sentence was said to me during a dance rehearsal. I’m not a pro dancer by any stretch of the imagination – this was a fun little between-friends dance that we were going to perform at a medium sized function full of people we knew. Half the people in the group did have dance experience, which made me - a non-dancer - feel self concious. So every time I messed up the steps, I would laugh at myself or made an “agh” sound or be verbally frustrated with myself that I was struggling to get that move, or whatever. Which drew peoples attention to the fact that I’d made an error.

There were like 10 of us doing this dance; me missing one step went largely unnoticed in the scheme of things, because with ten of us, anyone watching the dance had so much to look at that the likelihood of them seeing me misstep was extremely low. Unless I made a big deal about it, which would draw their attention to me, and ensure that they were made aware.

I used to point out my mistakes all the time. Not just with the dance, but across the board in general life, too. “Agh, whoops,” or handing over a completed project like “I know I could have done [thing] better, but hopefully the rest is ok,” or whatever. People were often frustrated with me, and I feel, in hindsight, that they were frustrated with me because in their eyes, with me constantly highlighting my own errors, they knew I could do better but instead here I was, giving them a shoddy, half-assed, error-filled effort. By me pointing out my every mistake, they were aware of how many I was making, and they were frustrated by my seemingly endless errors.

Then I got told to “stop advertising your mistakes,” and it was a bit of a revelation moment for me. I made a concious effort that day to minimise my reaction to my own mistakes – for the rest of the rehearsal and into the final performance – and you know what happened??

After the performance, countless people said some iteration of the phrase, “I didn’t know you could dance!!”

They thought I was a dancer. That I’d been dancing for years. They hadn’t noticed any of my missteps.

I messed up multiple times during the final performance. If I watch the recording and focus on me, I can see my missed steps, the time I span clockwise on the spot instead of anticlockwise, the time I was slightly out of alignment with the other dancers, etc. But if I watch the dance as a whole, watching all 10 dancers instead of just me….. I dont notice the mistakes I made. They blend in. Theres too much other stuff going on for anyone to notice the one dancer who spun on the spot in the opposite direction to everyone else.

And everyone thought i was brilliant. All I noticed, while dancing, were my mistakes, but no one else saw them, and everyone who saw the dance was super impressed with it and with me. That would not have been the case had I reacted to every one of my errors as I’d made them.

So I took that concept and applied it to the rest of my life. And you know what???? People were less frustrated with me. Because they weren’t noticing my minor errors, and I wasn’t pointing them out any more, so from their perspective, it looked like my output had improved. It looked like I was making “less errors.” I wasn’t, its just that before, I was pointing every one of them out, and now, I was letting people notice them on their own. And they didnt notice them.

You are always going to be hyperaware of yourself and your own mistakes, but other people are way too distracted by their own crap and have too much other stuff drawing their attention to notice your every misstep. So stop pointing your mistakes out. Stop being your own worst critic. Everyone fucks up now and then, its fine. You fix the error if you can, and you move on. You dont have to pre-empt someone else pointing out your mistakes, because its extremely likely that they wont notice your errors. Unless you point them out.

Anyone knows a dragon's treasure is enchanted. Well, anyone from here.