Always Trying

Time lapse of a lady and her cat 

the other half:

I find timed sprints of activity useful, but shit like Pomodoro or whatever inherently does not work on me, because the petulant five-year-old in my head looks at the little numbers ticking down and goes, “You’re made up. I can ignore you and nothing will happen.”

You know what measure of time is not made up? “I’m gonna do as many of these dishes as I can in the time it takes my pot of water to boil.”

You know what you can’t ignore without consequences? “OK, I’ve got some downtime until the rice is done cooking, then it’s time to spring back into action.”

“I’ll clean as much of my room as I can in the space of this podcast episode.”

“I’m gonna put this album on in the background to make all this work stuff less tedious to slog through, and brute-force attack it until the music stops.”

“You BETTA!!!!” - Billy Porter

“Why don’t you just say no?” 

Men don’t respect women’s autonomy. That’s why we need womanism. They clearly don’t know the reality of the danger women face in every day life. Saying no is like a fast track pass to violence since men are actual children and can’t handle any form of rejection

I am annoying sometimes.

And that’s okay. It’s not the death sentence I was led to believe. People will love me even if I can’t read their signals sometimes. Not understanding is forgivable. I don’t have to hold myself back so I don’t annoy anyone ever.

Until the plague began to effect straight people. THEN his administration cared. Because the people that mattered were finally getting sick. And finally the millions of dollars in research money was poured into finding a treatment for HIV. But by then, so many LGBTQ individuals had died.  More people died from the initial HIV epidemic than the Vietnam war.

But they seem to have zero idea how to actually talk about racism to other white people who don’t already agree with them

I was talking to a classmate today who told me he “felt bad” because his parents and siblings voted trump

And I’m just like: what’s the fucking point of doing all this chatting about allyship if you can’t even sit down and reason with the people closest to you.

I work with a mix of people who carry a wide array of political viewpoints. I work closely with a guy in his 60s who tends to lean Republican on most issues. 

One day, I was in a car with him and another colleague, around my age. The conversation diverted into entitlement spending and race. Us 20 somethings were on one side of the issues and a 60-year-old white guy was on the other. 

After hearing him rant for a bit, I calmly asked, “Hey ____, what’s so wrong with those living in the projects getting unemployment benefits?” I let him answer and then posed another question off of his response. I kept calm and kept letting him speak, then asking follow-up questions. Eventually, he was calm and I could tell he was satisfied that I heard his point and where he was coming from. I also noticed that his views became less and less extreme every time I posed a question. His emotions were subsiding and he was critically thinking about each question. So, I expressed my position of how certain people are exposed to certain opportunity and race plays a major role in exposure. I related to people we both knew. I related to stories of friends that he didn’t know. I asked him, again calmly, if that perspective changes anything. 

He kind of grumbled something and we arrived at our destination, ending the conversation.

However, the next day he came in and stated that he gave my position a lot of thought and felt like I brought up a lot of great points. He said was willing to think about these things. 

I was COMPLETELY taken aback. I realized that my conversation was effective. I honestly don’t know who he voted for or if there a major impact on his thinking, but something changed enough for him to thank me and bring up a willingness to change, albeit how small.

So I guess my advice would be the following:

1) Have people re-examine their own thinking. Don’t tell them how to think or haw you think. Ask them questions that have them explore their thought process.

2) Relate your position to shared experience. Put a face and a name to the marginalized group. Don’t let them go to the ‘well they’re the exception’ answer. Go back to 1) and ask them questions.

3) Stay calm. Like 100% be calm. Disarm their emotions and don’t escalate with your own. This gives them an opportunity to think rationally rather than emotionally. 

4) Don’t do it to feel good about yourself. Do it because it’s the right thing. If you are white/male/straight/cis, you need to do this for those who are not. Keep your thoughts on the marginalized and not making yourself feel good or ‘not like them’. This is not about you.

5) On the flip side, understand white poverty and what is going on in the manufacturing industry. Get the other viewpoint, even if you don’t think it’s worth empathizing with. Just understand that issue. Keep it in the back of your mind when asking questions.