This post is basically a transcript of a speech I give to newbies to the D/s scene all the time IRL. I figured it might be useful not only to people curious about kink IRL but also to smut writers here on the smut writing website.
For the purposes of this post, I am sending specific physical acts out of the room. Right now they don't matter, because you can meet an emotional need through any number of physical acts. So when I say that there are many ways to dom and many ways to sub, I am not referring to many kinds of physical acts. I mean that there are many emotional needs that doms and subs bring to scenes, and those can change the scene more than the choice of physical acts that will occur in that scene.
I say this to newbies to the scene because they tend to have a narrow view of the motivations and needs that bring people to D/s, biased by both the newbie's own preferences and the depictions of D/s they've seen in media. The same is true of people who write kink fic. Kink fic is very biased to a narrow subset of the wide range of emotional needs that people might bring to this kind of play.
It's really important to understand this in D/s IRL because a mismatch or miscommunication about these needs can lead to a bad scene. For example, let's take the approaches of sub-as-beloved-pet and sub-as-object. If a dom treats a sub as a beloved pet when what they really want is to be treated like an object, then a sub who went into a scene needing to be ignored, or at the very least the illusion of being ignored and disregarded, is suddenly in the spotlight of a lot of intense attention and affection. Again, I will note that both of these scenes could potentially involve the same physical acts, just approached differently. Let's say it's a service submission scene where the sub is naked and cleaning the room for the dom. Sub-as-beloved-pet would get frequent praise and lots of patiently repeated instructions, while sub-as-object would get one detailed instruction at the beginning and no reinforcement except a punishment if they get part of the instruction wrong.
I'm going to go through a bunch of different styles of dom and sub, with the emotional needs that underlie them. This list is not exhaustive. I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of or encountered, so feel free to reblog with additions. It may also be a bit dom-biased because I'm a dom, but I think that might be for the best, because the emotional needs of doms are generally less understood than those of subs.
Various consensual kinks discussed below. Kinkshamers in the notes will be blocked with extreme prejudice.
Dom-as-control: This may seem obvious or even trivial, but it shouldn't be dismissed: many doms are motivated by an emotional need to have some part of their life where they have total control over what is going to happen. Something that I love about this style of domination is that I always know exactly what will happen next (except if there's some emergency, safeword, or other issue to address.) There are no wild cards in a controlled D/s scene except for those I explicitly allow (like if I ask a sub to choose which whip I'll beat them with.) This is also a reason why I personally have a very hard time switching; I have difficulty with the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen next. It should be noted that this style of domination is fairly incompatible with the bratty style of submission, as the brat is constantly throwing wild cards into the scene.
Sub-as-blankspace: The other side of this coin is the sub who needs to not have to think anymore. They've spent all day deciding what to wear and what to eat and which toothpaste to buy and they just want to stop. This is a very common motivator. This sub needs specific and clear commands from a dom, without too many steps, or else needs to have a well-established protocol of kneeling and service that they can do by pure muscle memory. This sub does not want the dom to offer them a choice of whips they can be beaten with, because that forces them out of the blissful blankspace of not needing to choose.
Dom- or sub-as-service: The same emotional need can sometimes motivate domination or submission! Many people dom or sub out of a desire to please their partner. It's about taking on a defined role that you know will meet your partner's needs. It feels good to be needed, after all. This motivation for D/s is generally the best understood by the public, especially as a motivation for doms. It's generally more socially acceptable to want to control and torment people if you're doing it selflessly in order to please them. A big part of my motivation for making this speech to people, and for writing this post, is to point out that this is far from the only style of domination, and pleasing their subs is far from the only emotional need that doms might have.
Dom-as-whumper: I'm using this terminology because of the website I'm on. I'm not into whumpfic, but I recognize in people who have a visceral need to see their blorbos whimpering and bleeding the same need I have to tear apart a cute kitten with my bare hands, or to crush a sub beneath my booted foot. It's the cuteness aggression approach to domination: sometimes your sub is so cute your hands itch with the urge to destroy them. This is where domination and sadism bleed into each other; this style of domination does not work well for the sub who wants to submit without being hurt or humiliated.
Sub-as-object: Subs who like to be treated as furniture, robots, or objects are often motivated by a need to enjoy a sexual or kink situation while being free of attention and scrutiny. Obviously, some baseline level of attention is needed for BDSM safety; the dom needs to be able to notice if the sub is injured or upset. But beyond that baseline, it can feel very freeing for a sub to be turned on, blissed out in subspace, crying, drooling, whatever, without anyone closely watching or listening to them, so long as they fulfill whatever their purpose as an object is.
Sub- or dom-as-flex: Both doms and subs can be motivated by a need to feel competent. I definitely feel awesomely powerful and competent when I do a style of domination that requires specialized skill, such as hypnosis. Submission can also provide a feeling of competence: look how long I was able to stay kneeling on the hard floor! Look how perfectly I cleaned the room, exactly as Mistress told me to do it!
Dom-as-troll (or mad scientist): The sibling to this kind of dom is the writer who thinks "wouldn't it be fucked up if....?" and then writes a freaky nasty little horror story about it. A great thing about D/s is that you can have a thought like "wouldn't it be fucked up if I tied up my sub and then ate their favorite snack right in front of them?" and then you can just do it (provided you know your sub likes to be tied up and tormented.) Then you can find out how your sub would react to your terrible ideas and laugh evilly at the results. The emotional need being served here is the goblin part of your brain that wants to break things just to see how they shatter. All you need to do is find someone who wants to be broken.
Sub-as-brat: Brats are often discussed as a single type of sub, but in my experience, there are two rather different emotional needs that drive brats. Some people are brats because they need the assurance that they can act out all they want, and it won't derail the action; the dom is strong or skilled enough to subdue them no matter what nasty tricks their goblin brain gets up to. Other people are brats out of a need to live in a predictable and fair moral universe. Those brats want a very clear system of rules and punishments for those rules. Then they test the rules, and they get meted out exactly the punishment they were promised. Within the world of this scene, the world is fair, and the same misbehavior will always face the same consequences, something that rarely happens in the real world. These types of brats are rather different, because the first kind of brat doesn't care as much if the consequences of their misbehavior are inconsistent, while the second kind cares a lot.
Sub-as-beloved-pet: Or beloved child, if they're an ageplayer. I find that subs that like to be a beloved puppy are driven by an emotional need to be loved, treasured, and supported unconditionally, even if they make mistakes, even if they behave messily or clumsily, even if they look silly, because that's how a good pet owner should treat a pet. There might be discipline involved, but the discipline is very supportive and patient.
Dom-as-nurturer: Some doms are motivated by a need to be in a nurturing role that their non-D/s life may not allow them to fulfill. For example, a man who wants to express affection and tenderness to his partner but has a hard time doing so because of the way he was raised may be able to unlock that ability if his partner plays a sweet puppy and he's playing the puppy's doting owner. Basically, the D/s scene creates a little world and a set of roles in which it's expected and normal for the dom to be nurturing, even if that's not true for the dom outside of that scene.
Dom-as-enfant-terrible: The other side of the coin is a dom who needs to be in a role where they can be unreasonable, demanding, and selfish, a role that their non-D/s life may not allow them to fulfill. For example, a mother who spends all day thinking about her family's needs may relish the opportunity to center her own desires without worrying if she's being "too much." She can be impatient and fussy and demand the sub do things over and over until she's satisfied, all of which she can't do when she's working as a teacher or other caring role.
Dom-as-artist: I think this is a hugely under-appreciated motivator for doms. Many have a need to be creative and imaginative that they fulfill through domination. I've been to workshops and demos at kink conventions where I've been awed by another dom's fiendish creativity. I once watched a hypno dom with a sub who got off on being afraid, and he hypnotized her and crafted an extremely elaborate horror scene in the room, filling it with menacing shadows and phantasms. This is where I'm contractually obligated to link A Dom DM because this is where domination overlaps a lot with game running and game design.
Sub-as-aesthetic-object: The flip side of this coin is that many subs enjoy being an aesthetic object or canvas for a dom's art. Very often these are subs chasing a need to feel beautiful, or at least enjoyable to look at. Subs who want to be aesthetic objects may enjoy wearing special outfits during scenes, or being posed in sexy or appealing positions. Subs in this kind of scene may enjoy letting go of worrying about whether they look good to the dom, because the dom is shaping them to their own preferred aesthetic, whether that's via poses, makeup, shibari, or something else.
Sub-as-sexual-creature: A lot of subs enjoy being called sluts, offered up for free use, or otherwise being hypersexualized. Why is that? Well, our society has a lot of shame and repression around sex, and it can feel much easier to relax and enjoy sex if it's couched in the fantasy that you have no choice because you've been reduced to a purely sexual creature. The sub has an emotional need to give up responsibility for choosing to have sex and be sexual, because that responsibility is a heavy weight to carry.
Dom- or sub-as-taboo-breaker: This is a huge motivator for both doms and subs. We all live in a society, and sometimes we feel a need to break the rules of that society. Both domination and submission provide opportunities to do so. It's taboo to piss yourself as an adult, but a watersports scene creates a space where it is acceptable or even desirable for a sub to break that taboo. As a dom, I personally get a huge taboo-breaking thrill from slapping a sub across the face. There's something about the sheer disrespect of it, and the memory of being scolded for doing it as a child, that fills me with impish glee.
Dom-as-hunter/sub-as-prey: For the hunter to catch the prey, there must first be a chase, or at the very least an ambush. This need not be a literal chase (we sent physical acts out of the room, remember?) but it is a dynamic to hunter/prey-flavored BDSM: the hunter has to earn it. This fulfills an emotional need for both dom and sub: a dom who struggles with feelings of unworthiness can feel like they've earned their partner's submission, and a sub can feel that the dom cares enough to put in the effort to catch them. Hunter/prey also allows dom and sub to explore some pretty dark emotions within the safety of consensual kink, such as fear, obsession, and consumption.
Dom-as-shadow: I mean shadow here in the sense of shadow work. Many doms take inspiration from people who bullied them in school (and many subs enjoy re-enacting scenes of childhood bullying in a safe and consensual context.) There is a real emotional need served by claiming the power of those bullies for yourself. Those childhood cruelties can be utterly transformed by the change of context. For example, the catty whispers and sneers of straight girls who bullied me for being queer comes out very different when I perform those same catty sneers as a genderfucky adult.
Sub-as-lesser-being: While some subs like to be beloved pets, and others like to be disregarded objects, some like to be pond scum. There can be a real freedom that comes from occupying a role of being disgusting and horrible. Nothing good or useful can be expected of you, and nothing you do will ever earn praise, and so you're free from worrying about or pursuing any of those things. Sub-as-lesser-being is also a space to explore difficult emotions like shame and humiliation in a safe context.
-How much is about being desired. Sub fantasies about somebody who desires you so much they break taboos. Dom fantasies about somebody so desperate to impress they'll go to extremes.
-A lot of fantasies seem to center around letting go of the guilt of wanting things. The sub's wants don't matter. It's only what the Dom wants! (And the Dom happens to be playing out wanting the sub's greatest fantasy in a situation where the sub not only doesn't have to ask, but can actively resist).
I think one of the big things with fanfic is how much sub fantaies center around getting what you want without having to ask for it, while, in the real world, your Dom is going to have their own specific wants that may not match your own secret desires, and you will have to actually communicate those desires to get a scene where you resist them.
Personally I add onto that, sub fantasies about someone who desires you so much they don't mind that you've broken taboos. Someone who wants or loves you so much they don't mind that you're gross. This is touched on in the OP but I think it's worth putting explicitly.
From @imrix: An addon: The motivations of the first kind of brat can come from at least a couple different places, in my experience. It can be about feeling like the dom can handle anything, as you note, but it can also be about an environment where you can safely defy authority, somewhere you can say 'no' while knowing that the person in charge will still love you afterwards.
From @betty-amorous: What about sub-as-failure — Subs who feel great pressure to be successful in their day to day life, who maybe overwork themselves or are hard on themselves for perceived failures, who crave scenarios where success is impossible and failure is guaranteed. These subs find a lot of comfort in the idea that you can fail totally and utterly and still be desired, and I think these would pair well with dom-as-enfant-terrible
From me: the natural other side of the coin of dom-as-service is sub-as-pillow-princex. Like dom-as-enfant-terrible, it's about making a space where you are not too much. (I suspect a dom could find a niche here as well that DOESN'T fit better into one of the other categories, but I won't presume to speak for them.) As a sub, you can ask for what you need without keeping half your attention on whether you're approaching an unspoken boundary--because the boundaries have already been explicitly laid out. When the thing you need is something more complicated, then you start being the natural complement to many of the other dom types: artist, troll, sadist.
And here's why that one is relevant to writers: if you have a pairing and you're asking yourself what the sub's motivation is, you might be going, "I don't know, she just gets off on X. She just likes Y." And you might find yourself unsatisfied with that because you want to write it as a full d/s dynamic, with actual submission going on. (If there isn't a dynamic, if it's just the act of X or Y, then what you have is just a top and a bottom. But that's a different essay.) Maybe you want to write subspace, or it just feels unbalanced, or you just want to know why the sub isn't just bouncing up after a scene going "that was great! See ya later!" Pillowing is a very natural way to add that submissive element underneath the act. He's here because he just likes being whipped, yes--but he's in subspace because he's given up the need to manage the consequences, social and otherwise. It's very like sub-as-blankspace that way, except without getting all the way to not thinking, and not inherently about decision making.
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This image captures the Tarantula Nebula in all of its cosmic glory. Astronomers study nebulae like this one to learn about how elements form and disperse throughout the galaxy, seeding space with planetary building blocks.
Clouds of dust and gas called nebulae speckle our galaxy. Some are ferocious cosmic factories that churn out baby stars by the hundreds of thousands, while others are grave markers of stars long dead. Astronomers study them to learn about how stars and planets form, and how ingredients are recycled in space.
But all that dust is difficult to see through, and nebulae are often so large that today’s most powerful space telescopes can only realistically study tiny patches of them. That’s where our soon-to-launch Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope comes in.
This video of the Eagle Nebula showcases Roman’s superb resolution and wide field of view. It begins with a Hubble image of the famous Pillars of Creation superimposed on a ground-based image. The view then zooms out to show the full field of view of Roman’s Wide Field Instrument. Roman’s images will have the resolution of Hubble while covering an area about 100 times larger in a single pointing.
Roman will pair a large view of space with infrared heat vision. That combination is a game-changer for studying nebulae.
Here’s how it usually works. Ground-based telescopes take large but somewhat blurry images of a nebula. Then space-based observatories like our Hubble and James Webb space telescopes zoom in on small patches to show us the details of particularly interesting regions. But with Roman, we’ll get the big picture and incredible detail all in one.
That saves astronomers a lot of time, which opens up new avenues of exploration. For example, instead of spending several months stitching together hundreds of individual images of the Orion nebula with Hubble or Webb, Roman could cover it in a matter of hours in just a few snapshots.
Roman’s vast surveys will give us a census of stellar nurseries, where fledgling stars are being born from parent clouds of gas and dust. Studying these nebular nesting grounds will reveal millions of stellar embryos, newborn stars still swaddled in shrouds of dust, toddler stars that throw tantrums and flare unpredictably, and young stars that may have planetary systems forming around them.
A single Roman survey of our Milky Way galaxy will capture thousands of nebulae, unveiling planet formation and the full lifecycle of stars like never before. That includes their spectacular final acts.
This Hubble image showcases the Hourglass nebula, a young planetary nebula located about 8,000 light-years away.
Garden-variety stars like the Sun live fairly placid lives, casually churning out heat and light for billions of years by fusing hydrogen into helium. That nuclear process creates a lot of energy and outward pressure. For a long time, it’s held in check by the inward pull of gravity. But when a star runs out of fuel to fuse, gravity takes over.
Their cores shrink so fast that their outer shells of gas are left behind, which puff out and transform into unique and often psychedelic works of art called planetary nebulae (so-called because they looked similar to planets in early telescopes). Heftier stars meet more dramatic fates, with a runaway reaction that leads to the star’s detonation: a supernova explosion! Both result in nebulae that look like kaleidoscopic dreamscapes.
This image of supernova remnant W49B combines X-rays from NASA’s Chandra X-ray Observatory in blue and green, radio data from the NSF’s Very Large Array in pink, and infrared data from Caltech’s Palomar Observatory in yellow.
Star deaths create conditions so extreme that it can form new elements. The iron, oxygen, magnesium, silicon, sulfur, and nickel that together account for around 96% of the Earth's bulk were flung into space by supernova explosions. And some of the elements that make up your DNA, like carbon and nitrogen, were forged by smaller dying stars. You are literally made of stardust!
Roman will help us learn more about how elements were created and distributed throughout the galaxy, all while exploring many other cosmic questions.
This artist’s concept visualizes visible light in blue, showing how its short wavelength means it will easily run into dust particles. Longer wavelength infrared light, visualized in orange, can more easily pass through dust.
Roman’s infrared vision is key, because it will allow astronomers to see through the dust that often blocks telescopes that view other types of light. It’s hard for visible light to penetrate this dusty haze because the particles are the same size or even larger than the light’s wavelength. Since infrared light travels in longer waves, it hardly notices the tiny particles and can pass more easily through dusty regions.
By seeing through dust, we'll get a far better view of stars and other objects that are in nebulae and the cosmic structures that lie behind them. Astronomers will soon be able to chart our galaxy like never before!
An artist’s concept based on the final design of NASA’s Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope.
We’re only about a month out from launch, and so close to a completely new understanding of the universe and our place within it. Follow along with Roman’s road to launch at nasa.gov/roman, and virtually tour the Roman observatory here.
Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space!
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today i trimmed and faced the moth quilt and actually finished the part where i handstitch the facing down
which means the quilt is technically finished. it needs a label and a hanging sleeve, but they sort of don’t count
i have clips on the edges rn to keep the seams aligned. i’ll take them off and press it all again tomorrow
used this freebie star wars fabric cuz i had a lot and i don’t care about it. i sewed on a slab and then cut the center out and turned it to the back. understitched as much as i could (bad corners), then pressed the inside edge under and pinned.
sewn down by hand
you get an edge like this, instead of a framed look that would come from using a binding
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found a piece of paper in my oldest files. now, I want to clarify that I do believe I was simply angsting on the same page as doing my high school physics homework. however. as a found poem, it could be worse.
I miss the way you cleaned my hairbrush
I miss the way you shared your fish sticks
I miss the way you sent away the salesman
I miss the way you loved rice cakes
I miss the way you worried about me
I miss the way you loved me
You're still my cell phone background
You're still my strength and weakness
If object inside focal point, form virtual image, upright, larger
If object outside center of curvature, image will be inverted, smaller, and real.
You might as well have been my girlfriend.
I love you
or I did once