holy-hell-batman

kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes

text your landlord

remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response

briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada

remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states 

look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”

remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you

enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday

order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.

exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.

return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open

back up

ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead

release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it

you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways

the door swings open

run up the stairs

open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat

cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home

like, what other song can make that claim?

The crowd cheering after the first stanza when they realize what they’re all doing

So many people audibly ‘doing the guitar parts’… like ya do

The sheer number of voices joining the rediculous falsetto (thanks, Roger)

How they all start jumping at the ramp-up “so you think you can stomp me”

Your protagonist is mortally wounded and needs to get out alive. How? (more)

@neil-gaiman came in and gave us some writing prompts. Get writin’!

What’s even more amazing is that he used to be almost completely nonverbal and through his art he’s been able to become completely independent and self-sufficient and is now a successful artist who owns his own gallery where he sells his drawings and people come from all over to buy his art. He is fully verbal and communicative and most people who meet him don’t even realize that he has autism.

Like I said, this dude is fucking amazing.

(scattered screams from the audience)

LM: Hello.

(audience erupts into cheers and screams)

LM: For tonight, I’m Billy Joel.

(screaming continues)

LM: (starts playing the opening chords of We Didn’t Start The Fire)

(laughter and whooping from the audience)

LM: Justin “Juice” Mcelroooy, Charlie’s daddy, Island Boy, Sawbones, Farm Wisdom, he knows Taekwondo. 

LM: Travis Patrick, middlest, sexpert, riddlepiss, Huntington to Cincinnati, Sad Libs On the Show.

LM: Sweet baby brother Griffin sees things a little different, South Park, Cursin’ Jerry, under 30 luminary, dungeon master brings the drama, Barry Hussein Obama, most people forget Hussein but he thinks it’s impooortant!

LM: (Chorus) We didn’t start the brothers, they’re from West Virginia, now they’re always in ya. We didn’t start the brothers, no we didn’t light it, so we Candle Night it.

LM: Hand Dog, Face Cat, Pete and Pete and All That, live show, Face To Face, “Playing with me in this space!” Good Burger, Keenan Kel, Off to Margaritaville, Matt Doyle, Matt Doyle, holy shit it’s Matt Doyle.

(audience screams)

MD: Hey guys…. (pause for audience screaming) It’s Matt Doyle!

LM: Torsey, horse champ, Juggalo church camp, Teen Google, Munch Squad, Travis is a mango god. Staxx soap, Time Belt, Warrior Cats, Bramblepelt, finally emerging like the freed Chilean Miiiinerrs.

LM: (Chorus) We didn’t start the brothers, (holding back a laugh) they’re our patron saints who plug Extreme Restraints. We didn’t start the brothers, no they’re very nice, but it’s bad advice.

LM: Glass Shark, blast my cache, Olive Garden, Golden Pass, Flapjack Nicklesack, which one vapes? Roker animosity, Garfield monstrosity, Quantum Leap, Bakula release the Gooshie tapes. Future McDonald’s pizza, Sydnee, Rachel, Theresa, watch them play every day, pack your bags and move awaaay!

LM: (Chorus) We didn’t start the brothers, but they know we all watch like a Haunted Doll Watch. We didn’t start the brothers, but we’ll make some noooise for the McElroooys 

LM: It’s familiar…but not too familiar… But not too not familiaaar… It’s a new craaaaaaze!

(sustained audience screams, background music plays over speakers)

Griffin: (laughing)

Travis: It’s weird-

Justin, giggling: Yeah

Travis: -to know… you’ve peaked-

Griffin: It’s ju-

Travis: -before a single word has been said.

Justin: Yeah!

Griffin: It’s also weird for someone to perform and then you go out to eat up all the applause.

Justin: DeliciousssaAAAA

Travis: Hold up- is that what Dad’s supposed to have been doing this whole time?

Griffin, cackling: FUCK.

kermit and peach:

no zoos

zoos do good things

zoos help rehabilitate animals who otherwise would not survive in the wild

zoos help protect animals that would otherwise be hunted down

and zoos give them care to keep them healthy

seaworld and circuses (involving animals)

Almost all their fish are nearly 20 years old (or less depending on natural life cycle, or MORE… there are a few close to 50) and they also have rehabilitation and release programs for injured animals. Since they are non-profit every bit of money goes to constant improvements in their tanks, research, and conservation efforts.