HELLO, UNIVERSE!

Hello universe, 

Finally, I’m just a few hours from turning 34! I can’t wait. I have to admit that being 33 had been tough, but nevertheless, I managed to pull through. I just want this chapter to be over so that a new chapter can begin.   

I recall my last post about being frustrated because I wasn’t able to get a new phone. Lucky enough, I have gotten a new phone and no it’s not Apple. Let’s me just get this out there. Apple’s iPhone 6 served me for a good 4 to 5 years. However, with the new iPhones’ prices, I can no longer keep up with the Joneses and I’m not gonna pretend that I can. The truth is I don’t make that much and to save up a few months just to afford a phone is just sad. I came to a realization that I need to live within my means. I can no longer do things that I used to do and that’s ok. I’ve learn to adapt and be more flexible, no pun intended. Needless to say, quality is also important to me. With so many other up and coming brands out there, I do indeed have more choice. It’s not the one or the other anymore. My fairly new phone is working excellently and I have no complaints whatsoever. There! It’s a brand that I would further invest into in the future I must say. 

Besides that, 33 has been a nightmare in the sense that I lost my best friend and I was forced to move out of my apartment of more than 10 years. Who knows what went wrong where! I’m very saddened by the whole thing as much as I am mad. I never thought that the closest and oldest of friends would betray and abuse our bond, but looking on the brighter side of things, I see it as a lesson learnt. You can’t force yourself into one’s life if it’s one-sided. You just gotta wake up, smell the coffee, pick yourself up and move on. It’s all about choices. I can’t - won’t allow myself to be surrounded by negativity. To a certain extent, having been forced to live alone has allowed me to make a home for myself. I do have my own privacy and I don’t have to deal with anything that I’m uncomfortable with. I must admit that the first few weeks were a little scary because I am not used to being alone. Although I had the apartment all to myself at times, it wasn’t for a very long time and it wasn’t a new environment. It took me some adjustments, but I’m alright now. Thank God. 

In terms of profession, I think it is high time to see what’s out there. I’ve been at the same place for way too long and because of my fear and kindness, I grit my teeth and a single denture and took whatever came my way. I’m not getting any younger so I’m gonna travel the world, so to speak. Life is too much to do something and not feel fulfilled or motivated. When my ex-colleagues were going through this, it was very foreign and unrelatable. Having been in the same boat as they were for a couple of months now, I have had enough. I know my capabilities and I still have so much to offer. There are many things I would like to try to do and I’m excited about the possibilities. It’s true what they say. When employers don’t invest enough in employees, there will not be any growth. Here’s to more opportunities. 

Although things don’t seem to be working out at this age, there were some goodness that came along. One of which is that I know who my friends are. I know they are the ones I can trust and count on. They have been my rock and I am very blessed to have them in my life. They do matter. Besides that, I manage to find love once again especially when I thought all hope was gone. Just when you are not looking, it appears unexpectedly. I am so thankful to be able to love and be loved once again. Other than that, I love my family without a doubt. I know that there are always there for me and without them there wouldn’t be me. Last but not least, I’m still living and breathing. I’m thankful for each and every day that I can still wake up and do the things I love. 

To sum up, I’ve learned many lessons this year. In that sense, 33 has taught me well and prepared me better for the future. I’m looking forward to 34. No, I’m not expecting it to be a walk in a park, but it’ll get easier. Wish me luck and here’s to a better tomorrow. 

By the way, ADGEADRIAN (TELLING STORIES) is back in full swing with the second series. Do watch and lemme know what you think. Thank you all for reading and for your support. I wish you all the peace, love, happiness, and greatness life has to offer.           

Hello universe, 

As my phone is about to go kaput and hanging on for dear life, I decided to purchase one online. Seeing that I am really digging the new Google Pixel 3 XL, I thought I’d purchase the Google 2 XL just to get a hang of it and the fact that it was cheap. 

However, after a couple of days, nothing seems to be in progress after placing an order on one of the most famous online stores here in Malaysia. Therefore, I decided to send a message to the seller. From there, we exchanged phone numbers and as time went by things got rather odd. I was asked to cancel my order and instead order directly from him/her. Knowing that if I were to buy directly from the seller, there is no buyer/seller guarantee. It could possibly be a scam. Due to that, I decided to cancel my order entirely and opted to place an order for another phone. It cost twice as much, but I didn’t mind it because of the specs. It was nevertheless another android phone. 

After the order was placed last Friday, I got a notification that my order is packed and ready for shipment on Saturday morning. Hooray! I thought.I might be getting the phone earlier that estimated. Then, Monday came and yet the status of the order was still ‘processing’. What does that mean? Based on past experience, when an item had been packed and was ready to be shipped, I would get a notification. Unfortunately, I received no such email. Monday went by and on Tuesday, yesterday, I decided to live chat with the customer service. I was reassured that everything will be OK and that my order is with them. There was still no change in my order status - processing. Alright, fair enough. Let’s wait and see. 

Today came and the order status is very much still the same. Once again, I chat with the customer service. He reassured that I would most definitely get my order latest by Saturday. Then, I contacted the seller. The seller told me that it would take at least 3-7 working days to process the order. Right now, as I am writing this, I am very confused. I was given a tracker and the estimated delivery time does not tally with the one on the website. One says that the estimate delivery time is on 26 October 2018 while the other states 27 October 2018. On the one hand, I have the customer service telling me my order will arrive before the estimated time frame and on the other hand, I have the seller telling me that processing takes 3-7 working days.

Hello universe,

Here’s another trip to the dentist. Call me unenthusiastic. Every time I go to the dentist, it’s not just for a normal check up. This time, my denture is acting out and based on my last visit, the dentist mentioned that it’s time to get a new denture. The reason is because of receding gums. Perhaps it’s age. Perhaps it’s hereditary. Perhaps it’s many other factors. I don’t know.

Whatever it is, getting a new denture is costly. I don’t know how much it’s gonna be but it’s gonna be more than a thousand. I’m almost there so let’s see how it goes.

Good day to all of you.

Hello universe, 

It’s challenging when I don’t have gentler words to use other than stating a fact as a fact. It’s especially hard when my words are taken out of context or worst yet, when they are twisted into something that is the completely the opposite of what I truly mean. It’s even harder when I can’t say something and furthermore I can’t say anything. It’s damn tough when I can’t express myself freely. It’s damn hard... it is.

Communication, whatever form they may be, enables us to get somewhere, move forward, progress and much more, but when silence is forced or when it is a reaction or treatment, everything comes to a sudden halt. It’s as if everything freezes. Don’t move. Don’t you dare. Everything is somehow left hanging in the universe. Hello! Is anybody EVEN there??? 

Communication, as we all know, is a two-way thing. That’s how we make a connection. That’s how we settle thing. There are always one,  the speaker, and two, the listener. Though you may be able to talk alone, a monologue to be precise, you certainly can’t listen when no one is talking. Wait. Perhaps you could hear the wind blows or even a pin drop if you’re lucky enough? 

Ironically, silence is also a form of communication, like it or not. As much as it is frustrating and infuriating at the same time, I can’t deny that silence clears the mind and it provides a clearer thought process which will then enable us to articulate in a more organised manner. Perhaps we might be better communicators? 

Morning universe,

It appears that it’s not as easy as I think. There’s this sudden urge to light up. I could go without one for a couple of hours. However, it’s tough to even no smoke for a whole day. The day just started and I’ve already smoked 8 sticks.

Although I suck at this, I’m still gonna try. That’s it for today. I’m not gonna light up anymore. We need to beat this thing. Lord, give me the strength. Amen!

Hello universe,

As I’m writing this entry, I’m smoking my last cigarette. What do I mean by last? Well, I’ve decided to quit smoking after 10 years. I think it’s high time I kick this habit to the curb.

I can remember the day it started and it was because of influence and weakness. To keep things short, I wanted to be cool and a part of me wanted to be accepted. Next thing I know, I’ve been hooked ever since.

I’ve never tried quitting, but I’ve talked a lot about quitting. Last night, a kind soul told me that it’s not enough to just say it. I needed an action plan. So, this is my action plan. I’m giving it up altogether.

I will do my best to fight every little temptation and regain my confidence. I love myself and those around me. I know that I don’t need to smoke to be cool. I am simply enough.

Good luck and don’t fuck it up!

Morning universe, 

I tend to expect the worst and if the worst doesn’t happen, I am as much relief as I am thankful. I think I do this because I fear getting disappointed. I’ve experienced too many disappointments in this lifetime. To a certain degree, expecting the worst is like a defense mechanism. I’m aware that this is an unhealthy habit and this may cause others to see me as being negative. 

To be completely honest, I don’t know how to break this habit. I know that this may be the cause of my unhappiness or shall I say my general dissatisfaction with things. As an overthinker, I think and overthink things. There’s always these voices warning me that this person is up to no good or that person is out to get me and hence, my elusiveness. Negativity is all around and I don’t know how to shut it out. I try my best to avoid it, but that’s just a form of escapism. I need to look for better ways to deal with this. 

Just like a mirror, if I am negative, those around would be negative too. Clearly, two negatives don’t make a positive. Therefore, I think besides separating myself from toxic people, I too need to detox the negativity out of myself. I’m referring to my mind, body, and soul. “If I surround myself with positive things”, as the song Survivor goes, “I’ll gain prosperity”. That said, I am my worst enemy. If I can control my thoughts as well as emotions, and maintain a clear perspective, the outside won’t be able to affect me. So, I gotta think positive thoughts, use positive words, and practice positivity. 

This day forward, I refuse to be anything less than positive. We shall take it a step at a time and repeat the mantra “I know I can.”   

Hello universe, 

I’m seriously slacking when it comes to writing. Somehow or rather, I feel uninspired. It’s like there’s so much to write, but I just don’t feel like putting thoughts into words. However, a discussion today push me to want to write this. So, here it goes. 

With my recent financial shortcomings, I have been forced to learn the value of each Ringgit. I must admit, in the past, I didn’t pay attention to how or what I was spending my money on. As long as money was coming in, it meant free spending. I would shop online and live life like that was no tomorrow. I now would label my old self a spendthrift. I was living the life, so to speak.

Luckily, this habit has somehow evaporated overnight. I cannot afford to live how I used to. I now have to question myself at least 25 bloody times before adding things to the cart and check them out as confidently as before. Life is no longer simpler. I am forced to make cuts here and there. I have to wait. I have to be patience. In other words, I can’t just splurge.

So, whenever I want something, I question if the item/product is a need or a want. If it’s not necessary and wouldn’t change my life significantly, I will therefore not purchase it. The reality is that humans are just greedy. Nothing is ever enough. A rich man would want to be richer. Because of that, we can never be satisfied. Needless to say, we do need to maintain some degree of control and find a balance. Yes, we work to enjoy the finer things in life. However, if you still have it and it’s still in good condition, simply putting it, it’s seriously unnecessary.

When it comes to clothing, perfumes, and shoes, I believe I’ve got plenty to last me a while. Seeing that I don’t need to add more to the clutter, I refuse to shop. The mission now is to declutter and get rid of things little by little when and if possible. As I am sitting here penning this, I really don’t know how on earth I managed to live that way. To a certain degree, despite the struggle being really real, I am grateful that this has taught to be careful with my money. 

Just to share, I managed to finally settle my student loan. It has been hanging over my head for a good decade and it feels good to settle that debt. That’s one less thing to worry about. Next, I need to minimise the credit cards bills. Extra income wouldn’t hurt either. The question is how? How? How?

Hello universe, 

Lately, I’ve been in a funky mood and I don’t know what the fuck is wrong. I can’t seem to shake it off. There’s these random anger and annoyance waiting to rear their ugly heads. I tend to be snappish and I hate feeling this way - Jeeeeeeeeeez!

When it comes to work, I just want to stay away from all the politicking and dramas. I am uninterested in all the whispers and pretentiousness of it all. I feel like this place has lost its sparkle and it’s no longer fun. It’s no longer what it used to be. There’s literally nothing to look forward to and certainly there’s no motivation whatsoever. It’s like the lights are all turned off and although I very much like the darkness, you certainly can’t conduct a class in darkness, can you?

That aside, my baby’s going away this weekend. It’s only four days, but I can’t say that I won’t be affected. I most definitely will. Just like family, you can never get used to saying goodbye no matter how many time you’ve said it. In fact, it gets tougher each time. I don’t feel like meeting friends because financial issues are now constantly on my mind. After the pay cut, I am now forced to spend lesser. Therefore, I can’t go out like I used to. Also, I can’t shop like I used to too. Joy, innit. 

Hello universe, 

Just last weekend as I thought everything was going well, a fight unexpectedly erupted. To be completely frank, I hate going to crowded places and I especially dislike the malls. Perhaps that also why I stopped hanging out with people who enjoy them. Having been raised in a city and continuously living in another, especially here, there is in fact not many options of places to go over the weekend. It’s either this mall or than one. Due to that, it is always crowded and overwhelming. Why on earth do you think I started grocery shopping online. That said, it doesn’t mean that I am not an outdoorsy kinda guy. I do enjoy nature and I like doing outdoor activities, but the malls aren’t exactly what I’d call outdoorsy. We’d still be in an enclosed space after all.  

Moreover, as an organized person, I am good with having plans in place. I like schedules because they tell me where I’m heading to and what I’m doing. The objectives are rather specific and particular. What I don’t enjoy is wandering around aimlessly because I feel it is a waste of time. The idea of “jalan-jalan” (walk-walk) doesn’t appeal to me. That said, I don’t mind impromptu ideas like let’s travel to this city or let’s go to this restaurant. I quite like that actually. Back when I was in uni, I had always been spontaneous. In fact, spontaneity used to be my middle name. To this day, I miss doing that because it is a good way to change my routines and surroundings. 

Hello universe, 

Problems. Problems. And more problems!

As much as we want to live without them, that wish is one that is impossible to come true. You can try as much as you like, but it’s quite pointless really. Problems are parts and pieces of life. They either make or break you. Certainly, they vary accordingly - some are bigger than others, some are more trivial than others, some are just some more than others. Problems are problems at the end of the day however you wanna call them - crises, challenges, difficulties, etc. 

I believe we need to deal with them accordingly whenever they arise although many would resort to escapism. Perhaps drinking or doing meth might help you run away from them for a while, but when you wake up the next evening, not only do you have a major hangover and/or lethargy to deal with, but your problem would have amplified too. Rather than suppressing the issue, the way to do it is to face it head on. The sooner you deal with it the sooner you get it out of the way. Why would you wanna drag on something that is problematic???

We may not all be fortunate one way or another, but we do have choices. Look at the options you have and then decide. Sometimes, talking to others and hearing their perspectives would actually assist you in making a sound decision. Who knows, they might be able to help you too. Keeping everything bottled inside is just going to elevate your stress level and I don’t think you want it to affect your sleep, work/study, and relationships. What’s the worse than can happen? If people can’t help you, well, at least you’ve tried. It beats regretting for not asking! 

Twist and bend

Like play-doh in your hand,

Over and over

One after another.

I’m not open to change

Bitch! I’m the king of change,

I wouldn’t have lasted

If patience I had not mastered.

Can’t keep up with it, them, and you,

Constantly proclaiming everything’s new, 

I huff, I puff, I sneeze - Achoooooooo!

my love turns to dread because of you. 

Hands in the air, 

what you did ‘twas so unfair, 

exploitation - wait ‘till your judgment day, 

“KARMAAAAA” that’s what I’m waiting to say. 

Sick and tired of hanging in there,

Sick and tired your looks and stares,

Beware oh do Beware 

Cause you cut, not only rip and tear. 

You know it all - you THINK you know it all,

Those who don’t listen will eventually fall, 

On the sidelines I’ll just watch

Like a leper I won’t even dare touch.

Laugh and Laugh and Laugh, 

I can go on another stanza or p’graph, 

Anyone told you you annoying fuck?

can’t wait to say goodbye & good luck.  

Hello universe, 

I have been pretty occupied with all the changes happening. There aren’t at all negative, but life could always be better. After such a long absence, I’d like to jump right back in and share a bit about fear. I believe it is quite a humanly experience. I have yet to meet someone who is entirely fearless. Because of fears, our insecurities and vulnerabilities are omnipresent. We might not allow them to linger at the back of our brains every second, but when they come, the struggle is indeed very real. I guess it’s apart of life and living. 

As a child, I have always had many fears. Certainly, what I feared when I was nine aren’t the same as what I fear today. I remember fearing the bullies at school, Freddy Krueger, and failing the exams. However, today, my fears have evolved into something else altogether... perhaps even greater. 

With the struggles at work, I fear losing my job and not being able to find something better or even worth my while. On top of that, I fear not being able to pay rent as well as my bills. I’m not only talking about the credit card, phone, electricity and internet bills. Rather, I’m also talking about my day-to-day expenditure - food and what not. I’d chosen to be away from my family. As a result, I need to ensure that I can make ends meet every month. That itself is demanding complete responsibility and accountability. 

Besides that, I fear rejection, especially from those I love and care about. As the years pass, I’ve come to the realization that my circle is getting smaller. I’m beginning to lose more and more people. It’s not because of petty arguments, but rather, it’s because of changes. It is known that when people move, they are bound to meet new people and progress. Due to that, what once was can never be and what will be won’t be the same. Relationships revolve and people change. It would be awfully naive of me to think that we will be best friends forever. 

Just recently, I decided to be in a relationship. That’s right. I’m completely off the market and no longer single. A few things I fear with regards to this relationships are: losing my love and being neglected. The latter is something I have always gotten at the end of most relationships I’ve been in. It’s back to square one and it makes me doubt myself even more. Why do you think I say that if we were asked to suddenly pair up in a room full of people, I’d be there left standing alone? I haven’t experienced that and I truly hope I never will. This irrationality came about because of what I had gone through. At times, I need to remind myself that that’s not gonna happen. You see, what I wanted ever since my first love and the fact that I believe in the idea and the whole notion of “love” have not changed. Yes, I have aged. Yes, I have had one too many bad experiences. Nevertheless, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Last but not least, having finally started living alone all by myself, I fear loneliness. Those of you who know me, know that I enjoy being alone. I know how to keep myself entertained and I know how to manage and occupy myself with various activities. However, loneliness is a complete stranger; it’s not even a distant cousin twice or thrice removed. I can never get comfortable with loneliness and I don’t think I ever want to/will. The silence is just too loud and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve experience this a few times lately and I had to turn to house chores just to return to sanity. It’s worse than the scary places your parents used to warned you about when you were misbehaving.

Hello universe, 

Here’s an update. I feel May has come and gone in a jiffy! Somehow, I just can’t seem to catch up with whatever that is going on. There are too many changes and I am deeply overwhelmed. The changes are not bad at all. In fact, they are new beginnings and far from negativity. After having felt like a prisoner for such a long time, I am suddenly liberated. Just like anyone, I can’t seem to wrap my head around all the great things happening around me. Not entirely, not yet. I need more time to let things sink in. Nevertheless, I’m on a roll. 

Today I asked my colleague how she got used to living alone. I’m not used to it because I’m so used to having people around. No, we may not talk, but I know someone’s around; someone’s always going in and out, having a shower, doing laundry or simply doing laundry. I must admit. I fear loneliness. I’m OK being alone but I don’t want to ever feel lonely. A student told me last week that after class one evening, she fell asleep and woke up in a sudden panic because it was awfully and no one was home in the hostel. I can totally relate to that darkness lurking in the corners. It’s an uneasy feeling and I don’t want to ever feel that. I’m still getting used to living alone. 

As for my private life, I am proud and happy to say that I am finally in love again after such a long time. In all honesty, I thought I was beyond love and that it would be impossible to find someone whom I can love, care for, and take care of and in return do the same for me. My heart smiles the biggest smile as I fall without any safety nets. I feel that I have found the other half of me and I will love fiercely. I don’t want anyone else. Thank you, Lord for bring this beautiful soul into my life. 

I need to stop overthinking besides cutting down on my cigarettes. I know what I am worth and I am going to continue to do my best. I have faith in myself and I am sure of the person I am. I’m not afraid of hard work and I am still able to learn new things. I have passion and I have support from the people in my life. I will continue to strive to be the best.