#issues

If you’re writing a fic and you need a way to write Dick out a la ‘Cass was busy in Hong Kong’ PLEASE MAKE IT THE MOST NONSENSICAL thing I’ve ever read

I wanna see

“Dick was busy fighting the devil in hell… he said he was fine so we’re leaving him be”

“I called dick and he just said no? And hung up?? So I’m guessing he’s busy?”

“ Dick was kidnapped by a space monarch and the titans are trying to bargain for him back… he didn’t do anything wrong they just like him and his wanna keep him”

“He’s stuck in a barrel rn”

“Dick is trapped in a noir film”

“He’s busy at the MET”

“I would call Dick but I think he’s on a remote island battling deathstroke rn and I don’t wanna be involved in all that”

“I would call Dick but he’s in Amazon rainforest and they have bad signal”

Are you seeing the vision? Like I want SILVER AGE NONSENSE FOR MY BOY. Like bro is just chilling firmly OUTSIDE the story

Like Tim is doing his whole angst plotline and he tries to call dick and he gets “hey Timmy would love to stay and chat but I’m being chased by sentient cotton candy and I gotta find a water source love you ciao”

Jason needs Allies and he calls Dick and it’s like “hey sorry would love to help but I’m in an alien deathmatch for the crown of a nation and I’m being attacked by a meat cleaver thing? Bye don’t get blown up again! Love you”

Damian needs a place to chill after Bruce is an asshole “sorry kid would love to help but i am currently in the Gotham sewers being handfed cheesecake don’t ask it’s a long story I’ll tell you when you’re 18 bye”

Babs needs him for something “would love to help but I’m having a tea party with a being beyond comprehension and if I blink I’ll die so send me details and I’ll get back to you when slash if I’m alive in 5-6 business days.”