#adgeadrian

Today

I have to

summon all of my courage

to face

what I don’t necessarily like.

It makes me extremely uneasy

To forget

To breathe

And to remind my heart

Not to jump to its death.

Today

I need to

Call upon the angels

and ancestors

To guide me

In all the right directions

So that I won’t

Screw up.

Deep breaths they say

But they only make it worse

I feel panic colliding

Into me and

Steering me out of control.

Today I must make it through

Another battle

That requires me

To jump through

Yet another fiery hoop.

Just as it comes as naturally

I don’t want it to come across as

Superficial

Under such trying circumstances.

Hello universe, 

As my phone is about to go kaput and hanging on for dear life, I decided to purchase one online. Seeing that I am really digging the new Google Pixel 3 XL, I thought I’d purchase the Google 2 XL just to get a hang of it and the fact that it was cheap. 

However, after a couple of days, nothing seems to be in progress after placing an order on one of the most famous online stores here in Malaysia. Therefore, I decided to send a message to the seller. From there, we exchanged phone numbers and as time went by things got rather odd. I was asked to cancel my order and instead order directly from him/her. Knowing that if I were to buy directly from the seller, there is no buyer/seller guarantee. It could possibly be a scam. Due to that, I decided to cancel my order entirely and opted to place an order for another phone. It cost twice as much, but I didn’t mind it because of the specs. It was nevertheless another android phone. 

After the order was placed last Friday, I got a notification that my order is packed and ready for shipment on Saturday morning. Hooray! I thought.I might be getting the phone earlier that estimated. Then, Monday came and yet the status of the order was still ‘processing’. What does that mean? Based on past experience, when an item had been packed and was ready to be shipped, I would get a notification. Unfortunately, I received no such email. Monday went by and on Tuesday, yesterday, I decided to live chat with the customer service. I was reassured that everything will be OK and that my order is with them. There was still no change in my order status - processing. Alright, fair enough. Let’s wait and see. 

Today came and the order status is very much still the same. Once again, I chat with the customer service. He reassured that I would most definitely get my order latest by Saturday. Then, I contacted the seller. The seller told me that it would take at least 3-7 working days to process the order. Right now, as I am writing this, I am very confused. I was given a tracker and the estimated delivery time does not tally with the one on the website. One says that the estimate delivery time is on 26 October 2018 while the other states 27 October 2018. On the one hand, I have the customer service telling me my order will arrive before the estimated time frame and on the other hand, I have the seller telling me that processing takes 3-7 working days.

Hello universe,

Here’s another trip to the dentist. Call me unenthusiastic. Every time I go to the dentist, it’s not just for a normal check up. This time, my denture is acting out and based on my last visit, the dentist mentioned that it’s time to get a new denture. The reason is because of receding gums. Perhaps it’s age. Perhaps it’s hereditary. Perhaps it’s many other factors. I don’t know.

Whatever it is, getting a new denture is costly. I don’t know how much it’s gonna be but it’s gonna be more than a thousand. I’m almost there so let’s see how it goes.

Good day to all of you.

Hello universe, 

It’s challenging when I don’t have gentler words to use other than stating a fact as a fact. It’s especially hard when my words are taken out of context or worst yet, when they are twisted into something that is the completely the opposite of what I truly mean. It’s even harder when I can’t say something and furthermore I can’t say anything. It’s damn tough when I can’t express myself freely. It’s damn hard... it is.

Communication, whatever form they may be, enables us to get somewhere, move forward, progress and much more, but when silence is forced or when it is a reaction or treatment, everything comes to a sudden halt. It’s as if everything freezes. Don’t move. Don’t you dare. Everything is somehow left hanging in the universe. Hello! Is anybody EVEN there??? 

Communication, as we all know, is a two-way thing. That’s how we make a connection. That’s how we settle thing. There are always one,  the speaker, and two, the listener. Though you may be able to talk alone, a monologue to be precise, you certainly can’t listen when no one is talking. Wait. Perhaps you could hear the wind blows or even a pin drop if you’re lucky enough? 

Ironically, silence is also a form of communication, like it or not. As much as it is frustrating and infuriating at the same time, I can’t deny that silence clears the mind and it provides a clearer thought process which will then enable us to articulate in a more organised manner. Perhaps we might be better communicators? 

Morning universe,

It appears that it’s not as easy as I think. There’s this sudden urge to light up. I could go without one for a couple of hours. However, it’s tough to even no smoke for a whole day. The day just started and I’ve already smoked 8 sticks.

Although I suck at this, I’m still gonna try. That’s it for today. I’m not gonna light up anymore. We need to beat this thing. Lord, give me the strength. Amen!

Hello universe,

As I’m writing this entry, I’m smoking my last cigarette. What do I mean by last? Well, I’ve decided to quit smoking after 10 years. I think it’s high time I kick this habit to the curb.

I can remember the day it started and it was because of influence and weakness. To keep things short, I wanted to be cool and a part of me wanted to be accepted. Next thing I know, I’ve been hooked ever since.

I’ve never tried quitting, but I’ve talked a lot about quitting. Last night, a kind soul told me that it’s not enough to just say it. I needed an action plan. So, this is my action plan. I’m giving it up altogether.

I will do my best to fight every little temptation and regain my confidence. I love myself and those around me. I know that I don’t need to smoke to be cool. I am simply enough.

Good luck and don’t fuck it up!

Morning universe, 

I tend to expect the worst and if the worst doesn’t happen, I am as much relief as I am thankful. I think I do this because I fear getting disappointed. I’ve experienced too many disappointments in this lifetime. To a certain degree, expecting the worst is like a defense mechanism. I’m aware that this is an unhealthy habit and this may cause others to see me as being negative. 

To be completely honest, I don’t know how to break this habit. I know that this may be the cause of my unhappiness or shall I say my general dissatisfaction with things. As an overthinker, I think and overthink things. There’s always these voices warning me that this person is up to no good or that person is out to get me and hence, my elusiveness. Negativity is all around and I don’t know how to shut it out. I try my best to avoid it, but that’s just a form of escapism. I need to look for better ways to deal with this. 

Just like a mirror, if I am negative, those around would be negative too. Clearly, two negatives don’t make a positive. Therefore, I think besides separating myself from toxic people, I too need to detox the negativity out of myself. I’m referring to my mind, body, and soul. “If I surround myself with positive things”, as the song Survivor goes, “I’ll gain prosperity”. That said, I am my worst enemy. If I can control my thoughts as well as emotions, and maintain a clear perspective, the outside won’t be able to affect me. So, I gotta think positive thoughts, use positive words, and practice positivity. 

This day forward, I refuse to be anything less than positive. We shall take it a step at a time and repeat the mantra “I know I can.”