Autism at 32. Now what?

To recover, you literally need to manually learn skills that most people learn as a toddler

You need to learn what makes your body uncomfortable, and what to do to fix it

If you are high-masking, that usually means that you have learned to ignore every distress signal your body sends unless it is a distress signal that a neurotypical person would recognize. People have likely been unintentionally gaslighting you about your lived experience your entire life

If you feel bad or panicked for no reason, stop and try to pay attention to your body. Are you tense? You are likely feeling physical pain somewhere. If you've been gaslit about your pain your entire life, you might not be able to identify it.

Go through a sensory checklist.

SIGHT: Try closing and covering your eyes. If this gives you relief, the lights are probably too bright. You may also need differently-colored lights

SOUND: Cover your ears. Does this give you relief? If so, you may need earplugs or noise canceling headphones. You may also benefit from a neutral or pleasant background noise, like soft music or brown noise.

TOUCH: Are your clothes uncomfortable? Your chair? Your body? Do you feel greasy, like you need a shower? Do you need softer, sensory-friendly clothing?

TASTE: Do you need to brush your teeth or tongue? Would chewing on something help?

SMELL: Is there a strong or unpleasant smell in the room? Do you need to clean or empty a trash can? Would an air purifier help? Would a pleasant smell like a candle help?

INTEROCEPTION: Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? How is your posture? Are any of your muscles tight or sore? Scan your body slowly from head to feet, tensing and loosening each group of muscles. Going for a walk or doing a series of quick stretches may help a lot.

Learning how to do this stuff is not intuitive, if you've had an entire lifetime of gaslighting telling you that everything hurting you isn't a big deal and you're being dramatic over nothing.

This takes time, it takes work, it's not intuitive, and it's hard. Most people forget how hard it is, because they learned this as toddlers.

And that's because adults love punishing children but hate holding themselves and other adults accountable.

When I hear the phrase "bullying someone for being autistic", this is what comes to mind:

Spanking your child for their tone, facial expression, or body language.

Adding hidden meanings to what someone says then reprimanding them for those hidden meanings you added.

Taking it as an argument when someone asks for a reason.

Assuming that someone is guilty of something because they can't maintain a straight face when denying it.

Labeling someone as "smart" because of one special talent and expecting them to be smart at everything else also.

Using "you did it before" as a reason to expect something, ignoring any possibility of the situation being different this time.

Expecting socializing to be as easy as "just talk to people".

Judging someone for doing something wrong without telling them specifically what they did wrong and what they should have done instead.

Requiring someone to pass an interview in order to get a job.

Judging someone for living with their parents as an adult.

Believing that someone is suspicious or on drugs because they're acting different.

Believing that using drugs is a moral failure deserving of punishment.

Abusive therapies that cause pain in order to force someone into hiding their differences.

Police literally murdering people for misinterpreting unclear orders (Philando Castile) or for something mistaken as a threat (Sonya Massey).

Source ~ Neurodivergent_Lou

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I have absolutely no issues understanding metaphors or idioms. When someone says their heart is on their sleeve they mean they’re emotionally expressive and openly display their feelings, not that they have a chunk of cardiac tissue on their shirt. I very rarely have issues with sarcasm. I sometimes have issues telling when someone who’s said something mean is about to say “just kidding”, but tbh I think that’s more on them than me.

BUT

My grandmother asked me “Do you know when the trash was taken out last?” and I said “I think Eliot took it out yesterday” and a few hours later she yelled at me for “not taking out the trash when I asked you to” and I was like???? You didn’t ask me????

I dread filling out forms and am crap at filling out diagnostic tests or personality quizzes because there are always questions I don’t know the exact answers to (how am I supposed to know what day I got dental surgery seven years ago?) or don’t understand exactly what they’re asking or the wording’s unclear and they could mean this or the wording says this but I’m pretty sure what they actually meant was this and should I answer what they said or what they meant, and how does everyone else just whip through the form when surely they can’t know all the answers either? Does everyone else remember the day they got dental surgery seven years ago?

I get tangled up by bureaucracy because the rules on the website say that for this you need that and for that you need the other and for the other you need something else for which you need the first thing, and I go in circles for hours or days or weeks or months or years because their stated rules say there is no way to get what I need, and when I talk to somebody else they’re like “just call them?” and I’m like “how could that help? the rules say that what I’m trying to do is impossible”

Edit:

@callmemanatee told me about this awesome new questionnaire they're creating called CATI. It's still in development, but from what I've seen, it's already looks really good. They're open to feedback, and they actually listen to autistic people about ways to improve the wording.

If you would prefer to try that instead, here's the link! The wording is better, and it makes an effort to not pathologize Autism like the RAADS-R test does.

Can’t get out of bed, leave the house, feed themselves, use the toilet, or perform other ADLs without assistance. I see you and you are not gross or weird or lazy or broken. You deserve a good caretaker.

Cannot communicate in any way. Like even AAC doesn’t work for you effectively, so someone else might have to speak on your behalf.

Can’t hold down a job, stay in school, or live independently.

Isn’t a savant, isn’t skilled with their special interests, or can’t do anything without immediate access to their special interests.

Has an intellectual or learning disability.

Has level 2 or level 3 autism that can’t be masked away so that you’re pretty much visibly autistic.

Has disturbing intrusive thoughts. They don’t define who you are, your actions do. You’re not a bad person for having intrusive thoughts; you can’t control them.

Experience delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thinking, or any other psychotic traits. You’re not crazy or scary, and you’re welcome into this space.

Dissociate, have amnesia from trauma, have gaps in your memory, have an identity or personality disorder, etc.

I feel like so much of my life has been spent trying to find this effortless sort of middle ground everyone else seems to automatically already know, and I'm always swinging too far one way or the other. I'm lucky to have neurodivergent friends who grok me, but goddamn I wish that I could just like, exist without the constant background script in my brain that's like "you're being too loud. You're not talking enough. you're being self-centered. you're being boring. you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong." I feel like I'm back in high school trying to make friends but stuck as the eternal "weird kid"